Got a Buck? Go Elsewhere

Throughout my many years in the publishing and advertising fields, I've learned and accepted this simple fact: clients and advertisers love to idiot-proof the hell out of their advertisements. "If we don't put the price 10 times bigger than the rest of the type, they'll think it's free"; "If we don't put our name and phone number 15 different places, they won't know who to call..."; "More color means more sales, add more color!" So it really cracks me up when I see marketing that completely abandons this concept. Case in point: I came across a store in a strip mall yesterday whose name pretty much said it all: "Things Over $1.00". Yes, that was the name of the store; it was not just a sign in the window, it was not in front of a single aisle; you have Target, you have Best Buy, and you have Things Over $1.00. Just the title alone made my eyes roll in astonishment, wondering what chimp got paid millions of dollars for that genius bit of marketing. But it's the implication that really gets me. Things over $1. They sell things that cost more than a dollar. Doesn't really leave much out, does it? I mean, does that imply that I can go in there and buy, say, a phone, or a pool, or a welcome mat, or a motorcycle, or a beret, or an air conditioner, or a couch, or a suit, or a python, or a calendar, or a shovel, or a hamburger, or a set of speakers? Last I checked these things all cost more than a dollar, so hypothetically I should be able to find any one of these items there. What am I supposed to expect to buy when walking into this store?

Finally, a true one-stop shopping experience

I mean, I get it. I know what they're trying to do. They're in the same field as those "99¢ Stores" and "Under $1" places. But there are two flaws in their strategy: First off, The whole appeal of a "99¢ store" is just that: everything is 99 cents. You can go in with a few bucks and leave with several things. It's almost like a garage sale, without worrying about whose feet those nailclippers touched last. What exactly is the appeal of a store that touts everything in their store as costing "over a dollar"? Sure it could mean some things are, like, $1.09, but it also means some might be $2.09, or $4.99, or $9.99. At that point they're really no better than any other store that sells low-end crap, so why bother?
The second point is simply this: it's a grim reminder of today's economic environment. Over at the Thymenage blog, Steve wrote about a similar phenomenon having to do with gumball machines and the inflation from 10 cents to 25 cents to now up to 50 cents plus, all for the same crap you got 15 years ago. Click here to read. This is similar to the trend we're seeing here: first the "Under $1" store, then the "99¢" Store, now the "Over $1" Store. I for one am putting my foot down here and now; I refuse to shop at any crappy merchandise establishment selling their cheap sub-standard goods for anything over a dollar! Join me, and we'll ensure a future free of overpriced knick-knacks and clothes hangars, knock-off batteries and plastic tools.

Torture!! Bloody Torture!!

I try not to do "hey, this happened to me today" blog entries, but this I think deserves an exception. I've been following this game 'Bioshock' closely for almost a year; it's the first of many Next Gen PC games coming out in the next few months, and it's finally being released August 21st, a day after my birthday. I had heard rumors that some stores were selling it already, even though they were supposed to wait until the 21st by law, but I never thought anything of it, figuring it was only the XBox version that was circulating around and I'd never have the luck to come across a store that was selling them anyway. I decided I wanted the Collector's Edition, which comes with a whole mess of geeky goodness to satisfy my thirst for tacky extras, including a figurine of the main baddie of the game, the Big Daddy; a soundtrack; a bonus behind-the-scenes DVD; and other fun stuff. So today I figured I'd check in at the local Gamestop store during lunch to see what the deal was, as the Collectors Edition was supposedly a Gamestop exclusive. Here's the dialog, in a nutshell:

Gamestop Employee: "Can I help you find something?"
Paul: "Sort of, are you guys getting the Collector's Edition of Bioshock for the PC?"
GE (slowly): "Yeeees.... yes we are"
Paul: "Um..Ok....."
GE: "Here's the story on that..."
Paul: "There's a story?"
GE: "Yes, the story is we're only getting one Collector's Edition in this store on release day...."
(OK, I thought, here comes the high pressure sell, even though I already decided I was pre-ordering it....)
GE: "...and it's waiting to be reserved"
(At least he didn't say it was already reserved... I don't care if there was one or one hundred, as long as they keep one for me.)
Paul: "Ok, sounds good."
(slight pause)
GE: "Wanna know the worst thing?"
Paul: "Um, OK, what's that?"
GE: "It's sitting in our back room there, but we can't sell it until the 21st."
Paul: "WHAT? You guys got them in already? How'd that happen? I thought it went Gold only a few days ago."
GE: "No idea. They came in early, but we're not allowed to sell them until Tuesday."
Paul: "Arg! You gotta be kidding me! It's the collectors edition?"
GE: "Yep"
Paul: "With the porthole window box?"
GE: "Yep."
Paul: "And the Big Daddy figurine looking out the porthole?"
GE: "Yep."
Paul: "Aagghhh! You're killing me! Hey, does it make a difference that my birthday is Monday??"
GE: "Nope"
Paul: "DAMMIT!"
GE: So...would you like to pre-order it?"
Paul: "Son of a.....(sigh).... yeah."



"you will be mine Big Daddy, oh yes, you will be mine"


So now I have to freakin' wait until Tuesday to pick up the most highly anticipated game of the year while it sits on a back shelf in Gamestop's inventory room. I know what you're all thinking... you're thinking, "Geez, I'm surprised you didn't ask to see it and hold the box in your grubby little hands...you freak." Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't STRONGLY consider asking him to bring it out to see what it looked like, but decided to salvage what little dignity and self-respect I had left and departed. I can wait another few days, I guess.

Stupid People in the News

I'm sorry, I tried to come up with a more clever title for this blog entry, but sometimes the direct approach just works the best. I usually don't do commentary on news events, but this one just had me so baffled I felt the urge to write and let the world (or at least my circle of readers) know these people exist.
You may recall a few years back a very bizarre event which occurred in Erie, PA. A pizza deliveryman walked into a bank with what appeared to be a bomb locked around his neck, and demanded money. After the robbery he left the bank and was soon stopped by police, to whom he explained that he had been taken hostage while delivering a pizza, forced to wear the collar bomb and told to rob the bank. He insisted the bomb was set to go off if he did not return, and sure enough shortly after being handcuffed to a police vehicle, was killed when the bomb detonated. What prompted me to run to my computer and blog was the news article I read today, announcing police had arrested two individuals as co-conspirators to that bank robbery plot. One of the two, Marjorie Armstrong (the apparent ringleader) is currently serving time in prison for the murder of her boyfriend. She was linked to the robbery scheme when the body of her boyfriend was discovered in a freezer in a house near the building to which the pizza deliveryman was delivering a pizza at the time of his abduction. Let me repeat: She's already been prosecuted and imprisoned for the murder of her boyfriend, and has now been charged with plotting a bank robbery. OK, now for the 'stupid' part. In defending his client, Miss Armstrong's attorney denies she could have had any part in the planning and execution of the bank robbery, saying (and this is a direct quote), "Margie's bipolar and has other problems...She won't get off of something until that thing is settled. So it's hard for me to believe she'd be planning a bank robbery when she's concerned about her boyfriend's body."

I'll pause to let that sink in............

This statement, I believe, is proof positive that evolution has officially stopped, reversed course and is now racing backwards. I don't even know where to begin to describe how many ways this single quote justifies EVERY dead lawyer joke I've ever heard in my life. His defense... of this woman..... is she's bipolar and therefore incapable of dealing with two heinous crimes simultaneously. Wow... who knew the mental illness card could now be taken to such a new low. I can see where we're heading: "Your honor, my client couldn't possibly have committed this murder, because she has OCD, and there were dirty dishes left at the scene of the crime, which my client would NEVER have left without washing......" Wait for it... you know it's coming.

Rock On, You Crazy Hero

Damn you Joe. Damn you to hell.

For all of you who are NOT Joe, let me explain: I have this problem you see. My head is like a fertile garden; once a seed is planted it takes root and grows at an extraordinary pace until I satisfy it. Knowing this, and knowing how susceptible I am to suggestion, especially when it comes to gaming, my friend Joe maliciously and with intent to disrupt my life planted a seed that would spread and take over my mind like a parasitic weed. This seed: Guitar Hero 2.

I don't think even Joe expected what happened next.

I generally don't like console games, and never really got into them. I didn't have Guitar Hero 2. I didn't have a Playstation 2. And I certainly didn't have not one but two Guitar controllers. But a week after being shown a video on YouTube of some kid rocking out to Rush's "YYZ" on Guitar Hero 2 Click here to watch , and a brief visit to eBay, I now do. And let me tell you, it was the best $200 I've spent in years! This game completely and unequivocally rocks. For those who live shielded from the video game world, a brief description may be in order. It comes with a guitar-shaped controller with five colored fret buttons on the neck and a strum bar in the body, essentially letting you mimic the act of playing a guitar while color-coded notes fly down your screen according to the song being played. The object of course is to hit the right colored notes in time with those on the screen, whilst hitting the strum bar to simulate strumming the strings of a guitar. If you've ever seen Dance Dance Revolution, it's along the same lines, but with less energy expended and alot more hand dexterity required.


Yes, Steve... I wore the "National Scream" shirt just for you.


The greatest appeal of the Guitar Hero series is simply this: it gives musically-challenged people like me the ability to feel as if I'm really playing guitar along to some of rocks greatest tunes, without having a clue how to actually play. Anyone who's ever fingered their steering wheel while driving along to "You Really Got Me" or "Sweet Child O' Mine" can understand the attraction of this game. It's basically air guitar with an added sense of skill and accomplishment. I've never played a real note on a guitar in my life, and yet can already nail riffs and chords on the Medium setting. Don't let me misguide you however; this game does NOT teach you how to play guitar, no more than playing a combat simulator teaches you to how to fly a fighter jet. But just like piloting a virtual jet into a virtual war is meant to be enjoyable to the typical gamer without being overly complicated (or dangerous), Guitar Hero is designed to let the average person enjoy the sensation of rocking out to the classics without years of music lessons or succumbing to stage fright.

I've come across a few discussions online as to whether musicians who actually know how to play guitar would find this game easier or harder than the average guitar virgin. The obvious answer would seem to be yes, of course, since the game is a watered down simplified version of the real thing; however, some argue that in actuality the strict nature of the game and the necessity to hit the notes EXACTLY as shown with no room for improvisation or adding one's own style makes it MORE difficult for a seasoned player to adapt to the game. Personally I don't believe in that poppycock; to be honest I don't believe in the use of the word 'poppycock' either, but it seemed to fit the idea I was trying to portray nicely, so there you go.

So now, with my little Vince Neil look-alike avatar strumming a Gibson Explorer with Rising Sun graphics (OK, maybe not so little, after all, I AM playing on my 67" widescreen!) I rock away to Cheap Trick's "Surrender", Black Sabbath's "War Pigs", Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name of", and of course, the Crüe's "Shout at the Devil". All I need now is a second player to explore the wonderful world of Co-op play; After all, what's the use in being a guitar hero if you can't share the limelight with your friends? So..... any takers? =)

Welcome to my wonderful world of obsessions.

No Purchase Necessary

I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch today. I know, I know, with my cholesterol, that's the last place I should have gone, but I was craving some hot wings and surprisingly, KFC has some pretty decent wings. So there I was, sitting down with my meal, and looking around for something to read. I like having something to occupy my eyes while I eat meals, whether it be a tv show, video game, or the placemat on the tray of a fast-food restaurant. To my dismay KFC's placemat had nothing of relevance to read, so I grabbed the receipt to check it out, and lo and behold, a contest! Well not really a contest, it was one of those opinion survey things, where you call or log onto their site, let them know how your experience was, and possibly win $1,000 for your troubles. These "E-pinion" things seem to have become very popular lately, as if restaurant owners suddenly realized that 'Customer Satisfaction' is not just a empty promise scrawled across a mission statement. While reading the contest info and rules, I came across a frequently used term in contests: No Purchase Necessary. I found this quite odd, for a number of reasons. First, I would never have known about the survey unless I actually purchased something and found it on the back of the receipt; but more importantly, the whole point of the contest was to encourage patrons who are buying things to take a survey to rate the service received. If there was no transaction, no purchase and no interaction with the staff, how am I supposed to rate them on a service I didn't receive? What am I supposed to say if logging on to the site after NOT having made a purchase? Is there an entire column labeled "Not applicable" for those that just decided to take the survey for the hell of it, having never stepped into the restaurant?
Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole "No Purchase Necessary" thing is pretty standard on most contests, especially those that are instant winning types or those in which you need multiple pieces to win, such as the McDonald's Monopoly game. These also crack me up though, because along with the whole "No Purchase" thing they also state that you can "write in for a free gamepiece" or "free scratch-off game", as if they're really going to send a million-dollar winning gamepiece to some loser who couldn't even be bothered eating at their restaurant.
Anyway, as far as KFC's "Opinionport.com" survey went, I decided to call them on it, wondering if maybe they had some kind of contingency for those who actually did walk in and out of the store without purchasing a single item. Sure enough, the first screen I get to: "Look on the front of your receipt and find the store number.... Enter the number in the space below exactly as it appears on the receipt." Hmmm... OK, kinda hard to do if one HAS no receipt, but whatever. As I was in fact lucky enough to have one, I punched in the number, answered 3 little questions, and was coldly told I was not this weeks winner, and to try again in six weeks. SIX WEEKS? The receipt confirms this: "Limit 1 entry every 6 weeks". I had to wonder how they plan on monitoring this, given I supplied absolutely no information about myself save for the 7-digit store number. I input the number again, and this time I get a much longer survey. Ah...filled it out and again was told I'm not $1,000 richer. Tried one more time, and their records showed I already filled out a survey from this machine. Ah ha, that explains that. But I'd still like to know how I'm supposed to participate without a purchase!

I'm a Stinkin' Liar.....

Well, what can I say? It's been exactly 2 months since I left my second job to persue more free time, a more relaxed lifestyle, and the ability to chew my food instead of choking down a meal in 10 minutes. Two months since I last wrote on my blogs, promising more frequent updates due to my newfound freedom, more tales of adventures permitted by all the free time I would now have.

And what has happened since then?

Nothing.

Well, nothing is obviously an understatement. I mean, things happen all the time; to reword, nothing BLOGWORTHY has happened, or more specifically, no blogworthy ideas have sprung into mind as of late. The first month after my escape I was preoccupied with a wedding album job my dad had given me, one of those "coffee table" books that we've been talking about having me do for his studio. That occupied every waking moment of my consciousness; it was a pretty big book. Meanwhile, my other freelance work picked up and I was told to come two days a week rather than the usual one. So, even though I left Star Community Publishing with the hopes of having more free time, the first few months my friends have seen little change in my availability.

Oh, one thing that has happened, I decided to treat myself to another computer. Oh, yes, if there's one thing I like doing, it's treating myself to new computers. So getting this behemoth to work properly has been the focus of my attention the last few weeks; why would I need to get a brand new computer working properly, you ask? Very good question, you attentive little readers, you. Well, I have the unfortunate tendency to buy computers just as they're releasing new operating systems, this time around it's Windows Vista. And just like any new Operating System, it's riddled with compatability and performance issues. Add to that the fact that my new video and sound cards are too new to have working drivers for them, and we have a brand new system virtually useless to me. So I've been spending weekends moving harddrives, reloading software, downloading drivers, moving more hardware, and overall trying to get this to work within my acceptable parameters. It's not quite there yet. Some call it a sickness... I call it a hobby. All for the sake of amazing graphics at a reasonable framerate.

So, I'm not going to lie to you again and say I'll be back to blog soon; I really just don't know when I'll have something worthy to enter, could be tomorrow... could be another 2 months. Right now I have to catch up on everyone else's blogs to see what I've been missing. Thank you for being patient with my lax attitude; I can only hope it will eventually get better. =)

A New Year, a (belated) New Beginning

The comedian Lewis Black stated in his "Goodbye to 2006" Comedy Central Special that time is an illusion; the recording of time (minutes, days, weeks, years, etc.) is something we humans made up to keep track of things, and doesn't really exist. I've always believed this fundamental truth, all you need to do is count how many "calendars" exist in the world today. For starters, look at the dates created just for new years: there's the standard Catholic New Year, the Chinese New Year, the Jewish New Year, and I'm sure several others not commonly known. Who's to say which one is 'correct'? The answer: none of them are. They're all fabrications surrounding events in each cultures history, and have no real bearing on what goes on in physical world. Yes, technically a 'year' is the time it takes the Earth to circle around the sun, but the "New Year" could have been set at any point, and weeks and months were just convenient ways to divy up the time between now and the next time the Earth is here.
Case in point: Birthdays. Birthdays are randomly selected for you. They can happen on any day. When people ask, "How does it feel to be so-and-so?", usually at the milestone 18, 21, 30, or 50 year marks, do they really expect an answer such as, "Well, Bob, yesterday I was fine, things were going great, life was good... as SOON as 4:28pm rolled around on my 30th birthday my pancreas exploded, my left arm doesn't work anymore, and my hair hurts. Damn it feels aweful being 30, but thanks for asking." Chances are it feels EXACTLY the same as being 29. So why ask? Because human beings have this need to set time markers; hell, we created time as a measurable element, why not utilize it as such. When people ask how it feels to be 30, they're not talking physically; rather the question can be reworded "how do you feel about your life at 30? Is it where you expected to be? Have you fullfilled all the goals you set to have accomplished by 30?" Nothing physical actually happens on the day of your birthday to make it feel any different than the day before.
Another example of marking time: New Year's, more specifically New Year's resolutions. Any one of us at any time can decide to go on a diet, why wait until January 1st? Somehow it makes it all official, giving us a hard line in the sand that says, from this point ON I will eat better, exercise more, not kick puppies, etc... Plus, let's be honest, it allows us a buffer zone to splurge until then. I always found it amusing that December 31st and January 1st are just two regular days next to each other, most of the time just thrown somewhere in the middle of the week, yet everyone's mindset changes drastically from "the end of a year, out with the old" to "the beginning of a brand new year" along with the hopes and dreams that somehow this new year will be better than the last. Again, nothing actually physically changes. In fact, we don't even celebrate it at the same time on this planet, rather we take turns in 1/24th divisions as each time zone floats past the imaginary 12 midnight mark. Hell, most people have broken their New Years resolutions before the rest of the planet even gets there.
As for me, I too have a marker coming up. No, it's not New Year's, and it's not a birthday; for me, the date I eagerly await as the start of a new era and chapter in my life is January 25. If you don't already know, I've had two jobs for the past 9 years, not including all the freelance and occasional wedding work for my dad. Last year I resolved to leave my night job in an effort to get my life back, and last week my 2-weeks notice was handed in. The significance of this is simple: I was tired of using that job as an excuse for not having time for life's other duties. Whether it was not spending time with friends and family, not going food shopping, not entering a blog entry, or simply not being able to do laundry, I finally got fed up with feeling as though my entire life was rushed going from one job to another, and I was getting burnt out. Recently I refinanced my apartment and took the extra money to pay of my gigunda credit card bill, and now I can finally say I'm debt free, and no longer in need of working 65 hours a week. It feels good. But what does this all mean? Well, first off, it means I'll have alot more time during the week to see the people in my life. It means I'll be able to exercise more and hopefully control my high cholesterol and get in shape. It also means I hope to have more frequent blog entries submitted, of better quality. So you see, everybody wins! I know I haven't been the best friend/family member/blog author the past few years, if only because of my inaccessibility, but I hope to rectify that with my own belated New Years Resolution: to finally gain control of my life and enjoy as much of it as I can. Because between January 25th and 26th, something DOES change, something IS very different; I will have my life back. I hope to make the most of it; only time will tell.

The Way It Should Be

People everywhere....... confetti and balloons scattered about........ tables jam-packed with food....... and a virtual Yule Log the size of a compact car.
This was the scene on New Year's Eve at my place, moving forward into the year 2007. As I looked around, I couldn't help but feel a great sense of pride, surrounding myself with so many people I'm proud to call friends. If there is one thing I can honestly say I'm good at, it's the ability to hand-pick the finest group of personalities to associate myself with. And if there's one thing I can honest say I completely suck at, it's the ability to gauge the amount of food needed to feed these personalities. I will be eating Italian hero for the rest of the month.
When hosting a party with so many people from so many places, it's hard to truly show your appreciation to everyone on an individual basis. Running around, trying to be a part of every conversation, cleaning up the odd spill, and making sure food is always available, it may sometimes seem that I'm not there at all. Since most (if not all) of my blog readership happened to be at this, my second New Year's party, I wanted to take this quick opportunity to sincerely thank everyone for coming, for contributing to the fine cuisine, and for personally making this one of the best gatherings of friends I could ever have hoped for. Despite illness, travel hardships and other obstacles, everyone managed to make it in some capacity and hopefully was able to enjoy themselves as much as my meager little home would allow. No kids were hurt, property damage was kept to a minimum and, in contrast to last year's festivities, everyone took their belongings back home with them. The Peter Gabriel concert from last time was replaced by the craptacular performance of Fergie, the more-than-a-little-uncomfortable swooning of aged rockstar Meatloaf to his teenaged-looking co-singer, and some group that seriously looked as if they just jumped onstage from the crowd and started dancing for no reason. Luckily were were all spared the 'singing' attempts by Regis this year.

A Letter to my Future Kin

Dear sons/daughters/grandchildren,

I'm writing this letter to you in hopes it may retroactively avoid any hard feelings and prevent the unnecessary waste of your presumably hard-earned dollars, or whatever form of currency you crazy kids have in the future. You see, I don't know how it's like in your time, but here in 2006 (and in fact for the past several decades) it's always been reasonably acceptable for children, grandchildren and wives to buy the men in their lives cutesy little t-shirts, license plate frames, trophies and other paraphanelia regarding fatherhood, grandparenting and the like. Well, I'm going on record here and now to tell you I will never wear or otherwise display any such item, whether it be a sweatshirt proclaiming I'm the "#1 Dad" or a license plate frame ordering people to "Drive Carefully, This Is My Pop-Pop". Things like these have no place in my universe. You're my offspring, you know me, and should know better. For instance, you should know I would never wear any t-shirts or other articles of clothing that refers back to myself, especially as something that hasn't been scientifically proven as fact. Let's face it, there's a very slim chance I actually AM the #1 greatest dad living on earth to date. And if some third-party independent government-sponsored study does declare that I am, without a doubt, THE number one father figure of all time, I'd damn well better get more than a shirt for it. And honestly, any car with a bumper sticker or license plate frame that suggests I drive safer just because there's a "special person" occupying their vehicle seriously needs to be run off the road and into a very deep ditch. These 'adornments' have the same inherent flaws the old yellow "Baby Onboard" signs used to have: Nobody gives a shit. In fact, it makes people MORE nervous about driving near or around your car, increasing the chance of an accident. Then of course there's the worst-case scenario: Advertising to criminals. "Hmm.. there's a baby in that car, I'll have to take note; babies go for alot on the black market"; "Oh, there's a very special 'old lady' driving that car? Won't she make a good target for a carjacking.." I hate to put it that way, but you know there are people thinking it...
So, to sum up, my future offspring, please don't embarrass me with offerings of lame merchandise. They will most definitely end up in the very next garage sale. Don't say I didn't warn you. Love ya!

Religion in the news

Post 1:
Dateline November 20, 2006: Churchgoers were stunned today when it was learned that Reverend Thomas G. Saloy of the Queen of the Most Holy Rosary Church in Roosevelt, Long Island was arrested on federal child pornography charges. Though taken completely by surprise by these allegations and saddened by the downfall of their Reverend, most parishioners were glad to see the issue would not be ignored or quietly slip through the cracks. However, in a vain attempt to explain how a man of such religious composition falls victim to such sinful behavior, One man had this to say, "We're just shocked, I guess we're all humans and he's in a position of trust as a priest." Another woman was quoted as saying "Maybe in this day and age with the Internet and all of the sex that's out there people can't help themselves, it's human nature."

Excuse me for a second, since when is it 'human nature' to want to masturbate to images of children having sex? Last time I checked, not only was it morally reprehensible but it is, in fact, a federal crime and as such, very illegal; Yes, generically speaking, having sex is a basic primal human instinct, but to use it in defense of a sex crime is as abhorrent as saying, "We're shocked that O.J. brutally slaughtered his wife and her friend, but hey, he was just jealous, he's only human...."
The old "With the internet..people can't help themselves" excuse is a pile of horsecrap, as is the "I guess we're all humans" argument. First off, anyone who thinks of priests, ministers, clerics, rabbis, etc. as anything other than human should just go and try walking on water over a shark tank. And so can the masses that believe people aren't to blame because of the availability of illegal goods. It's called free-will, people. You CAN choose not to download illegal child-porn... Then again, free-will isn't exactly what the Catholic Church has ever promoted, is it?


Post 2:
Kudos go out to Rocker Sir Elton John for chastising the Catholic Church and, more specifically, organized religion in an magazine interview last month. Says John, ""I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people," adding that he "would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings." While I personally don't really know how much religion has really fueled the fire for homophobia, it is very apparent that the Catholic Church has their priorities totally screwed up. If you're going to worry about homosexuals, how about focusing on the ones committing crimes, like, oh say, fondling little boys....

Oh, snap.

Tivo, you have failed me for the last time...

I'm going through withdrawal. Seriously, I have the shakes. I had a long day at work, and an even longer night at work; the only thing keeping me going all day was the knowledge that soon I would be watching a new "Lost" episode. I even had my friend Michelle come over to see it, since she was at a rehearsal and couldn't see it live. We were all ready, got our drinks and settled in our respective couch positions.
"Oh wise and all-powerful Tivo, give us our weekly fix of the most addictive television show in all of history!"
Blip...
Blip...
Blip...
Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...BONK!

WHAT THE?!?! It didn't record??? Aw HELL no... It recorded LAST week! What the (insert long string of very naughty expletives here)

Well, it turns out after all the hailing and preaching about the Tivo and it's many wondrous features I've done, and praising it as the world's single greatest invention of all time, I neglected to learn it's single most important yet simplest of features: Prioritizing. Seems I had a programming conflict, and not inherently knowing my psychotic raging addiction to "Lost", my naive little machine defaulted to the first show on the list: Mythbusters. Now I like Mythbusters, don't get me wrong, but they replay those damn episodes 38 times a week, and "Lost" gets played... yup, ONCE! The only thing that saved my ass from being hurled through my television by Michelle was the fact that the website, as well as iTunes, will have the episode online tomorrow, albeit in tiny computer-window mode as opposed to glorious 67" widescreen. But much like a crackhead struggling to light the tiny last bits of ashes in his crackpipe, we'll take whatever we can get until next week.

As far as Tivo's concerned, "Lost" got bumped to the highest priority possible, and several Season Passes were deleted entirely just to make sure there are no future conflicts. Michelle will not be so forgiving next time.

Paul the Photographer

"Hey Paul!" you may be thinking to yourself. "What the hell's with the new banner ad on the side of your blog? Did you finally sell out and accept advertising for crappy companies in the hopes of making a few cents a year?"

Why no, actually.... but thank you for bringing it up.

You see, I found this great website. Actually, a co-worker found it and spread the news to all the artists of my company. It's a stock photography website you can search through for keywords and download images for a small fee, and.....

"But Paul, what the frig's so special about that?? Don't you realize there are thousands of sites that do the same thing? What the HELL man??"

(whistles..)
Are you done interrupting? If so, I can explain. You see, this particular Stock Photography site is member supplied; Meaning when you sign up, not only can you purchase and download images to use, but you can also upload your own photography and, pending approval, have people purchase your images while you make a commission. So, I've decided to become a member and start uploading pics, and the first few have just been approved! The banner ad links up to my currently uploaded pics for purchase, while the link in the "useful sites" section of my margin links to an area to become a member, while giving me a finder's commission for anyone who signs up!

In all honesty, there's a great selection of images available for anyone who uses stock photography, and much cheaper than sites like Eyewire or Photodisc. I encourage you to check it out, if for nothing else, to see my photographs! And don't forget to check back in every so often to see more uploaded imagery.

You'll Thank Me Some Day

I try to be organized. I really do. I have this inate need to have everything categorized, labeled, and easily searchable. Which is why I love things like my iPod: All my music, right there, no swapping CDs or tapes. I want a song, BAM! I'm listening to it within seconds. Or why I finally settled on Canon's ImageBrowser software to organize all my digital images. I want a picture, I know exactly where it is. So I didn't think anything of it when I decided to print and archive all the blog entries and comments from the Coffee Crew Blog, Steve's Thymenage Blog, Toni's "Much Ado" site and the Encyclopedia Giachettica collection. In my mind, it was totally rational: A hardcopy backup of some of the best darned writing this side of the world wide web. I figured it served two purposes: One, is gives me a nice (albeit gigunda-sized) book to be able to pull out weeks, months, or even years later to reminisce over with my friends; and two: it's a physical backup in case something catastrophic happens, such as Blogger going out of business or terrorists blowing up the internet. I never liked the idea of all these masterpieces of literary genius (or even this blog) residing solely in cyberspace; it just made me nervous. So two trips to Office Max and $80 later, I now have a hardcopy backup of everything up to August. It was a just and noble cause. Until Toni questioned why the hell I would ever go through such lengths, and noted I was the only person she knew who would go BACKWARDS in technology and print a hardcopy of an online archive.

Sigh...

Some people just don't understand.

All I can say to that statement is this: What about people who use their fancy $200 cell phones to TYPE messages back and forth? Tell me THAT'S not pushing technology back! So there.

Now Steve, my blogging mentor, would probably love the fact that I'm into the blogs so much that I'd take the time to lovingly collect all the works into a single binder. But I would be remiss if I didn't point out the single flaw which would probably prevent him from trying the same thing: Anybody's comments posted after archiving are not included in the hardcopy, and that's enough to give Steve the shakes at night. I, however, am willing to risk it.

Mourning: 101

I need something explained to me. Maybe I'm missing the point, maybe I'm just a cold-hearted bastard, but occasionally while driving on the highways and parkways of Long Island I'll come across a makeshift memorial on the side of the road, flowers and signs and whatnot, honoring someone who presumably lost their life in an accident at that very site; and I have to tell you... I don't get it. Is it just a Long Island thing, or do people across the country feel the need to make public highways they're own little shrine to the deceased? Honestly, I'm really not that calloused, and no, I've never lost anyone in a horrible car accident so I have no right telling people how to mourn, but I just don't see the point. To me, it just seems, I don't know, trashy, like people can't be bothered with actually making a trip to the cemetary. With the obvious exception of tragedies like 9/11 we don't do that for anything else; my grandmother passed away in an assisted living home, I don't go to the room where she stayed and leave flowers every year, I go to her grave, that's what it's for: to honor and remember loved ones. Why do people feel the need to show everyone on their way to work that someone died at exit marker 3515 on the L.I.E.? One may argue that we need little reminders like this in our lives to remember our own loved ones and even our own mortality, and that may be fine for others, but I'll be just fine without the sidewalk shrine.
So having said all that, I'm officially going on the record to all my friends and family: If God-forbid I perish in a car accident on the side of the road, do NOT waste your time and money decorating the site with flowers and hand-written notes and signs; if you do I will haunt you for the rest of your life.
You've been warned.

Say, "Cheese"

Every so often I'll discover something new about myself, whether it be a quirk, personality trait, or some other thing that up until now has remained undefined. Recently I've come to the conclusion that I seem to have an affinity for "cheese"; no, not the dairy product, in fact despite my Italian heritage I tend to avoid that particular section of the food pyramid; I'm talking the other kind, the "so bad it's good" variety. I'm not sure when this affliction began, but the most obvious place to start would be around the 80s, when "cheese" was basically the rule, however ignorant we might have been to the fact. These days I am a huge 80's music junkie, particularly the "one hit wonders" and, even moreso, the rap music of the era. People, this IS the musical embodiment of cheese. Witness: "The rhymes I say are sharp as a nail, witty as can be and not for sale, always funky fresh could never be stale, took a test to become an M.C. and didn't fail." * I challenge anyone to find lyrics as awesomely bad as these from the last 20 years.
But my fondness for cheese didn't end there, oh no. In fact, it mutated. Fast forward several years, I find myself listening to things like Metallica, music I had shunned in my earlier years. Why was this, I asked myself? Turns out that not only do I enjoy cheesy things, but also things that are just plain over the top and ridiculous to the point of hilarity, such as the insane speed and intensity of "Master of Puppets".

So where does that leave me today? Well, In terms of music, Marilyn Manson sits side by side with Weird Al Yankovich in my library, as does Rage Against the Machine and the Monkees. Movies like Doom, Resident Evil, Ultraviolet and Sound of Thunder were purchased (never having been seen in the theatres) knowing full well how God-awful they would turn out to be. I recently dove into the new Doctor Who series, not because of any good acting, dialog or special effects, but because Doctor Who is the very essence of over the top corniness. I purchased the 10-disc collectors edition box set of the Matrix Trilogy, again not necessarily because I thought all the movies were great, but: A) because they were so insanely crammed with special effects, features and bonuses, that an effects buff like me couldn't resist; B) It came in a really cool clear cube disc holder, satisfying my hunger for cool packaging and presentation, and most importantly C) It included an obscenely ugly bust of Neo to be displayed in the case, which is so incredibly bad it's awesome! And it doesn't stop there. Nothing quite screams "painfully outdated" better than the old Atari 2600 games, which I had to buy just to remind myself how perfectly awful videogames used to be, compared to today. I also became temporarily obsessed with the game Dance Dance Revolution (having played only once) and found two professional-grade regulation size DDR Pads on Ebay just to be able to play at home. And if that wasn't corny enough, I then obtained a copy of Nintendo's DDR Mario Mix, enabling me to 'dance' along to classic Mario Bros. music! Oh yeah...don't TELL me you're not jealous!
Most recently I found a website that prompted me to write this piece on cheesiness; it's hysterically funny without ever meaning to be. It's called freekaraoke.com, and allows you to download quicktime movies that you can sing along to karaoke-style. What makes it funny, however, is the 80's sounding Casio keyboard versions of all the songs, including the afore-mentioned Master of Puppets. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard listening to music before. It truly is the epitome of Cheesy Goodness. Check it out.


(* Run DMC - Rock Box)

Random Observation of the Day...

Today I realized: It's virtually impossible to hold a banana in your hand in an elevator full of women.

You just can't do it. Any way you try, it just feels...wrong. Now I'm pretty fidgety with my hands to begin with, but slap a banana in there and push me into an elevator with 3 or 4 women, and I have no idea what to do with them. Probably just my overactive imagination, but it just isn't the most comfortable situation.

Sorry, that's all I got for now.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 2

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jack Thompson's an ass.

To me, the idiocy of using religion to promote government action on violent and obscene media is eclipsed only by the outright hypocrisy of it, without even getting into the whole "Separation of Church and State" debate. But before we get into that, let's take a look at the issues being fought.
According to Mr. Thompson, violent video games are "simulators" for destructive behaviors, and argues that in every instance of school shootings, the kids involved are found to be video gamers, therefore it must be the games driving them to this behavior. Wow.... there's a thought, kid's playing video games! Who'd have thought? Using this kind of ass-backwards asinine logic is like saying "We interviewed 10 crackheads, and found that, astonishingly, ALL ten were jobless! Therefore, EVERY jobless person you see on the street must be a crackhead. Or here's a simpler example... what if they did a rigorous study and found that every single kid involved in school shootings happened to really like roast beef sandwiches... would you then tell me that roast beef sandwiches drive people to kill?? That's a perfect parallel to what they're trying to tell us about video games. Perhaps Mr. Thompson forgot to ask the other 99.9% of the school population if THEY played video games, afraid he might find that, perhaps, a whopping majority of them ALSO engage in this carnal activity, without ever having the urge to blow away their classmates. How about reporting on the fact that, out of all these shootings most, if not all, of these shooters were considered "outcasts" by their peers, who were never accepted by the popular circles and usually came from broken homes or abusive parents? Why not? Because it's much harder to sue the jocks and socialites, or the parents and guardians, than a big game company. And you won't get as much media coverage. Jack Thompson is a D-level politician fighting trivial battles because he doesn't have the talent, clout, or intelligence to take on the bigger issues. He's like the big stupid bully that picks on the weaker nerds because he knows he can win, only to be laughed at and mocked when the nerd outsmarts him. How about fighting for better education? How about fighting for better family counseling? Or... oh my God, dare I say it?? How about fighting for better FUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS!! How exactly is it fair and just to sue a game company for putting out a game (which is fictional entertainment) because some unstable lunatic can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, but it's wrong and unconstitutional to sue A) The gun company for producing a product whose SOLE purpose is to kill, and/or B) the lazy-ass father who can't keep his "hunting" guns out of the hands of his kids? It only makes sense in the narrow-minded head of a religious fanatic. Without going too far off course, let me give you a little glimpse into the mind of a religiously-run entity: The website Christ-Centered Game Reviews is a site dedicated to rating games of all kinds based on their moral standings. Here's how they rated the "appropriateness" of the content in my favorite current game, Oblivion:

Violence: -4
Swearing: -5
Blaspheming: -5
Sexual references: -4
Magic use: -5
Prejudice against other races: -1.5
Characters sleeping in their underwear:-3.5

So, to compare: Blaspheming, Swearing and Magic use gets a -5, but Violence gets a -4, and Prejudice gets a -1.5! It great to see their priorities are straight. Lets also keep in mind that 1) It's a Medieval fantasy roleplaying game, so of COURSE there's going to be some sort of violence; 2) The swearing they're referring to is made up of mostly fictional words created for the gameworld, and doesn't even begin to compare with games such as GTA or even some WWII shooters I've played; 3) The blaspheming they allude to refers to the nine in-game gods that characters worship, and not the Catholic Church's one and only God; and 4) Characters sleeping in their underwear??? Is there really a whole category just for this?? Give me a freaking break. Besides, it's not underwear as in frilly lingerie, it's like a permanent loincloth, used only when the characters aren't wearing any armor... which I would imagine is hard to sleep in. Idiots.

So the question remains: If not video games, what should these people really focus their efforts on? What is the real threat to the moral fiber of this great country...neigh, this great WORLD? Well, if these delusional fanatics and politicians were rational sorts, I would suggest things that, oh, I don't know, actually MATTERED, like the aforementioned real causes for teenage violence - the need for better education, better parental guidance, better counseling, maybe creating afterschool programs to help promote social skills; as well as the obvious things like better gun control or harder punishments for individuals responsible for putting guns in the hands of teens. Then of course there are other equally important issues with today's society, such as poverty, hunger, healthcare, etc., areas in which a real man with conviction can do some real good, things that people like Thompson wouldn't know the first thing about.
Having said that, however, I realize that these are NOT rational people, who base their actions on rational thought, and therefore we must try to think on their level to come up with a viable solution for them to support. Stay with me people, I know it's tough. (Please note the numbers used for this comparison are the most accurate I could find on the internet and may not represent exact figures, so don't sue me if I'm wrong!) I put forth the following argument: Let's assume we go strictly with the "games simulate violence and cause deaths" argument. There have been around 12 instances that I could find on the internet of deaths relating to video games, and most of them to the player him/herself due to stresses brought on by excessive playing, not behavioral modification. OK, let's round that up to 15, just to be fair. 15 deaths, in the world, EVER. NOW:

• According to ESPN.com, football attributed to 15 deaths in America in 2002 alone, that number having gone down from 23 the previous year. That's just players, and doesn't include the anti-social behavior it causes in fans, such as beer-chugging face-painted maniacs, violence erupting in stadiums, betting and gambling, football dads pummeling coaches and rivals' dads, etc. According to this data, it's clear football needs to be eradicated from society if we are to survive as a civilized world. Hell, wipe out ALL the major sports, better safe than sorry.

• According to wrongdiagnosis.com, around 98,000 people die in America each year by the actions (or inactions) of doctors. Surely a man who's 650,000 times more likely to kill you than the dreaded video game is a force to be reckoned with. Line 'em up, I say, I don't care how much good they've done, doctors are clearly a major threat.

• According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), 16.5 out of every 100,000 people in the U.S. were killed in an automobile accidents in 1996. That's in ONE year, PER 100,000 people, in ONE country. Obviously automobiles are also a menace, and car companies should immediately halt production.

• According to the CDC, approximately 438,000 people die prematurely each year due to smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke. Again, that's each year, in the United States alone. Why this malevolent behavior is still allowed to this day is beyond me.

And my personal favorite:
• According to historians, RELIGION accounts for several BILLION deaths throughout the world's history. This includes, but is not limited to: The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, The Massacre of St. Bartholomew, The Thirty Years War, Nazism, Islamic Jihads, various civil wars based on religious differences throughout the world, and general religious intolerance/fanaticism. Christianity alone makes up a huge percentage of these conflicts.

So, it seems that Mr. Thompson's platform to eliminate violent and malevolent practices turns out to be a much bigger CAUSE of it than any of the issues he fights. Which is no surprise when you think about it; If one man can fight so feverishly for such an insignificant cause in the name of religion, think of what a few, or many, or a nation, would do.

And people wonder why kids play video games to escape reality.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 1

(This blog entry eventually grew too big to be absorbed in one sitting, so it was necessary to break it up into parts, sorry for any inconvenience)

This entry was prompted by a recent news article about Jack Thompson, notorious lawyer and part-time politician known for his unwavering, if misguided, battle against "harmful influences" to minors, including movies and video games. The article stated that Mr. Thompson posted an open letter to Bono, headman of the band U2 and possible buyer of the software publisher Take Two. For those that don't know, Take Two is responsible for publishing such games as, you guessed it, Grand Theft Auto, a title repeatedly heralded as the single largest contributor to anti-social behavior in young adults.
Here is a portion of the letter:

"Dear Bono:
I write you as a fellow brother in Jesus Christ, appreciative of your bold witness to the transforming truth of the Gospel, in both your words and your deeds. You daily "fight the good fight," serving Him as salt and as light in an unbelieving world. You inspire other Christians to confront the "culture of death" that surrounds us all, and I thank you. Because of what you do, it is easier for me to do what I have been called to do.

I write to encourage you, respectfully and in a spirit of brotherly love, not to purchase Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc. . . .

Bono, whom are you going to believe as you make a decision whether to buy Take-Two? Are you going to believe the liars who got caught lying, or are you going to believe a fellow believer in Christ who has been targeted for actual harm by Take-Two and its dissembling Philadelphia lawyers at Blank Rome? . . .

I am trying to keep you, dear brother, from being run over by a careening bus. I do this to help you. A brother in Christ has now warned you. Now, do the right thing, in His powerful name I pray.

In Jesus Christ, Jack Thompson"

I'm writing this blog basically for two reasons: One - as a reputed video gamer myself I feel the need to defend my hobby and the companies that support my hobby; and Two - To convey my strong distaste for Mr. Thompson's methods and tactics in trying to convince people to see his viewpoint.

Now, I am neither a politically active person nor a religiously active person; in fact, this one example pretty much exemplifies WHY I am neither. This one man embodies the very worst of BOTH entities, the double-standards and hypocrisy of a slimy underhanded corrupt politician/lawyer, and the fanatical Bible-thumping brainwashings of a religious zealot. The fact that this man is still around spewing his absurd accusations after years and years of being humiliated in the public eye is surprising to me. Need a sampling of his purported crusade against indecency? Go to www.wikipedia.com and type Jack Thompson. Enough said.

So what exactly does he have against video games? Well, besides a majority of them containing indecent and violent content (content which, mind you, is equally prevalent in today's movies, tv shows, commercials, music, news reports, magazine ads, etc.) It turns out video games kill. Oh yes, according to Mr Thompson, video games are linked to several deaths across the globe, and therefore must be eradicated from the face of the earth. These deaths occurred either by violent or antisocial behavior being mimicked in real life by players of a game, or directly to the player by suicidal tendencies inflicted by stress over a game, or by physical stress of prolonged gameplay in excess of several hours.

To put it simply, there are those that feel that video games are greatly contributing to the moral decline of today's society, and must be censored, regulated, or altogether removed from store shelves. This of course goes against every anti-censorship movement's belief that the government should mind it's own business when it comes to the media we enjoy. But even beyond that, its such a ridiculous accusation to say that a game is responsible for a person's actions, just as it's preposterous to blame a movie for a crime committed while imitating a scene. The bottom line is this: These people are unstable to begin with, and are just as prone to commit a crime after watching an episode of "The Simpsons" as anything else. The fact that these things are linked to video games, a typically shunned activity in the grown-up responsible circles of society, is as factitious as blaming Ozzy Osbourne for a fan's suicide back in the 80s. Removing the catalyst will not necessarily remove the danger; the person will simply find some other outlet for his malevolent ways. And of course, the reverse is also true... There have been plenty of psycho-bastard characters from our history doing naughty things well before any of Mr. Thompson's suspects ever hit the streets: admittedly I'm not up on my history facts, but I'm pretty darned sure Hitler never played video games, Genghis Khan never listened to gangsta rap, and Vlad the Impaler never saw a Quentin Tarrantino movie.
And would you look at that.... these people are more horrendous and evil than anything you'll ever see in today's age... so what does THAT tell you?

Part two will discuss the sheer stupidity of a campaign against video games, and asks the question, "What is the REAL threat??" Stay tuned.

Name your child responsibly....

I read a sign a while back (again with the signs) for a fundraiser for a child with a certain kind of affliction, to be honest I didn't even read the whole thing, I just remember the name of the event: "Nickels for Nicky"; asking people to donate their nickels to this charity. Now I'm all for catchy names and such, but being the cynical person I am, naturally the first thing that went through my mind wasn't "Aw, how nice that someone wants to do something for this child", but rather, "Gee it kinda sucks that this poor kid's name is Nicky, and not maybe Danny, he coulda made TWICE as much money!" Hell, he could've even raked in the bucks with the "Dollars for Danny"campaign. Even a Kenny could have fared five-times better than poor Nicky! And although it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like its brethren, the "Half-Dollars for Hailey" drive could make up in value what it lacks in participation. Of course, any higher than that and you run the risk of ostracizing the very people who want to help. However well the the "Fivers for Freddy" or "Tens for Timmy" fundraisers may do, few people would be able, or willing, to attend the "Benjamins for Billy" or "C-Notes for Sammy" events.

Naturally things could always be worse..... personally I'm hoping I never need a charity event to pay for my costs... I could very well be screwed.

"Well, Paul, the good news is that 8, 642 people attended the charity event for your new spleen... the bad news is, it won't even cover the gas to get to the hospital..."

This is how my mind works people. Love it or leave it. =)

Everybody still with me?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to pop in to the Blogs to say that yes, I'm still alive, and to apologize for not having anything up on the blogs for quite some time. I can't even use Steve's favorite excuse "I was just so busy" because honestly, I had a whole week off, and just couldn't get myself up here to put anything down. Things have been blah, spirits have been lower than usual, maybe it's the change of season that gets people in a funk, maybe it's the slight changes in my life that I'm not sure how to deal with, maybe it's that money has been exceedingly tight this month, which never has a good impact on my disposition. But I'm hopeful it'll all pass. In the meantime, thanks for continuously checking in, I promise to have some goodies up for you soon.