Tuesday, December 19, 2006

A Letter to my Future Kin

Dear sons/daughters/grandchildren,

I'm writing this letter to you in hopes it may retroactively avoid any hard feelings and prevent the unnecessary waste of your presumably hard-earned dollars, or whatever form of currency you crazy kids have in the future. You see, I don't know how it's like in your time, but here in 2006 (and in fact for the past several decades) it's always been reasonably acceptable for children, grandchildren and wives to buy the men in their lives cutesy little t-shirts, license plate frames, trophies and other paraphanelia regarding fatherhood, grandparenting and the like. Well, I'm going on record here and now to tell you I will never wear or otherwise display any such item, whether it be a sweatshirt proclaiming I'm the "#1 Dad" or a license plate frame ordering people to "Drive Carefully, This Is My Pop-Pop". Things like these have no place in my universe. You're my offspring, you know me, and should know better. For instance, you should know I would never wear any t-shirts or other articles of clothing that refers back to myself, especially as something that hasn't been scientifically proven as fact. Let's face it, there's a very slim chance I actually AM the #1 greatest dad living on earth to date. And if some third-party independent government-sponsored study does declare that I am, without a doubt, THE number one father figure of all time, I'd damn well better get more than a shirt for it. And honestly, any car with a bumper sticker or license plate frame that suggests I drive safer just because there's a "special person" occupying their vehicle seriously needs to be run off the road and into a very deep ditch. These 'adornments' have the same inherent flaws the old yellow "Baby Onboard" signs used to have: Nobody gives a shit. In fact, it makes people MORE nervous about driving near or around your car, increasing the chance of an accident. Then of course there's the worst-case scenario: Advertising to criminals. "Hmm.. there's a baby in that car, I'll have to take note; babies go for alot on the black market"; "Oh, there's a very special 'old lady' driving that car? Won't she make a good target for a carjacking.." I hate to put it that way, but you know there are people thinking it...
So, to sum up, my future offspring, please don't embarrass me with offerings of lame merchandise. They will most definitely end up in the very next garage sale. Don't say I didn't warn you. Love ya!

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