Say, "Cheese"

Every so often I'll discover something new about myself, whether it be a quirk, personality trait, or some other thing that up until now has remained undefined. Recently I've come to the conclusion that I seem to have an affinity for "cheese"; no, not the dairy product, in fact despite my Italian heritage I tend to avoid that particular section of the food pyramid; I'm talking the other kind, the "so bad it's good" variety. I'm not sure when this affliction began, but the most obvious place to start would be around the 80s, when "cheese" was basically the rule, however ignorant we might have been to the fact. These days I am a huge 80's music junkie, particularly the "one hit wonders" and, even moreso, the rap music of the era. People, this IS the musical embodiment of cheese. Witness: "The rhymes I say are sharp as a nail, witty as can be and not for sale, always funky fresh could never be stale, took a test to become an M.C. and didn't fail." * I challenge anyone to find lyrics as awesomely bad as these from the last 20 years.
But my fondness for cheese didn't end there, oh no. In fact, it mutated. Fast forward several years, I find myself listening to things like Metallica, music I had shunned in my earlier years. Why was this, I asked myself? Turns out that not only do I enjoy cheesy things, but also things that are just plain over the top and ridiculous to the point of hilarity, such as the insane speed and intensity of "Master of Puppets".

So where does that leave me today? Well, In terms of music, Marilyn Manson sits side by side with Weird Al Yankovich in my library, as does Rage Against the Machine and the Monkees. Movies like Doom, Resident Evil, Ultraviolet and Sound of Thunder were purchased (never having been seen in the theatres) knowing full well how God-awful they would turn out to be. I recently dove into the new Doctor Who series, not because of any good acting, dialog or special effects, but because Doctor Who is the very essence of over the top corniness. I purchased the 10-disc collectors edition box set of the Matrix Trilogy, again not necessarily because I thought all the movies were great, but: A) because they were so insanely crammed with special effects, features and bonuses, that an effects buff like me couldn't resist; B) It came in a really cool clear cube disc holder, satisfying my hunger for cool packaging and presentation, and most importantly C) It included an obscenely ugly bust of Neo to be displayed in the case, which is so incredibly bad it's awesome! And it doesn't stop there. Nothing quite screams "painfully outdated" better than the old Atari 2600 games, which I had to buy just to remind myself how perfectly awful videogames used to be, compared to today. I also became temporarily obsessed with the game Dance Dance Revolution (having played only once) and found two professional-grade regulation size DDR Pads on Ebay just to be able to play at home. And if that wasn't corny enough, I then obtained a copy of Nintendo's DDR Mario Mix, enabling me to 'dance' along to classic Mario Bros. music! Oh yeah...don't TELL me you're not jealous!
Most recently I found a website that prompted me to write this piece on cheesiness; it's hysterically funny without ever meaning to be. It's called freekaraoke.com, and allows you to download quicktime movies that you can sing along to karaoke-style. What makes it funny, however, is the 80's sounding Casio keyboard versions of all the songs, including the afore-mentioned Master of Puppets. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard listening to music before. It truly is the epitome of Cheesy Goodness. Check it out.


(* Run DMC - Rock Box)

Random Observation of the Day...

Today I realized: It's virtually impossible to hold a banana in your hand in an elevator full of women.

You just can't do it. Any way you try, it just feels...wrong. Now I'm pretty fidgety with my hands to begin with, but slap a banana in there and push me into an elevator with 3 or 4 women, and I have no idea what to do with them. Probably just my overactive imagination, but it just isn't the most comfortable situation.

Sorry, that's all I got for now.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 2

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jack Thompson's an ass.

To me, the idiocy of using religion to promote government action on violent and obscene media is eclipsed only by the outright hypocrisy of it, without even getting into the whole "Separation of Church and State" debate. But before we get into that, let's take a look at the issues being fought.
According to Mr. Thompson, violent video games are "simulators" for destructive behaviors, and argues that in every instance of school shootings, the kids involved are found to be video gamers, therefore it must be the games driving them to this behavior. Wow.... there's a thought, kid's playing video games! Who'd have thought? Using this kind of ass-backwards asinine logic is like saying "We interviewed 10 crackheads, and found that, astonishingly, ALL ten were jobless! Therefore, EVERY jobless person you see on the street must be a crackhead. Or here's a simpler example... what if they did a rigorous study and found that every single kid involved in school shootings happened to really like roast beef sandwiches... would you then tell me that roast beef sandwiches drive people to kill?? That's a perfect parallel to what they're trying to tell us about video games. Perhaps Mr. Thompson forgot to ask the other 99.9% of the school population if THEY played video games, afraid he might find that, perhaps, a whopping majority of them ALSO engage in this carnal activity, without ever having the urge to blow away their classmates. How about reporting on the fact that, out of all these shootings most, if not all, of these shooters were considered "outcasts" by their peers, who were never accepted by the popular circles and usually came from broken homes or abusive parents? Why not? Because it's much harder to sue the jocks and socialites, or the parents and guardians, than a big game company. And you won't get as much media coverage. Jack Thompson is a D-level politician fighting trivial battles because he doesn't have the talent, clout, or intelligence to take on the bigger issues. He's like the big stupid bully that picks on the weaker nerds because he knows he can win, only to be laughed at and mocked when the nerd outsmarts him. How about fighting for better education? How about fighting for better family counseling? Or... oh my God, dare I say it?? How about fighting for better FUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS!! How exactly is it fair and just to sue a game company for putting out a game (which is fictional entertainment) because some unstable lunatic can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, but it's wrong and unconstitutional to sue A) The gun company for producing a product whose SOLE purpose is to kill, and/or B) the lazy-ass father who can't keep his "hunting" guns out of the hands of his kids? It only makes sense in the narrow-minded head of a religious fanatic. Without going too far off course, let me give you a little glimpse into the mind of a religiously-run entity: The website Christ-Centered Game Reviews is a site dedicated to rating games of all kinds based on their moral standings. Here's how they rated the "appropriateness" of the content in my favorite current game, Oblivion:

Violence: -4
Swearing: -5
Blaspheming: -5
Sexual references: -4
Magic use: -5
Prejudice against other races: -1.5
Characters sleeping in their underwear:-3.5

So, to compare: Blaspheming, Swearing and Magic use gets a -5, but Violence gets a -4, and Prejudice gets a -1.5! It great to see their priorities are straight. Lets also keep in mind that 1) It's a Medieval fantasy roleplaying game, so of COURSE there's going to be some sort of violence; 2) The swearing they're referring to is made up of mostly fictional words created for the gameworld, and doesn't even begin to compare with games such as GTA or even some WWII shooters I've played; 3) The blaspheming they allude to refers to the nine in-game gods that characters worship, and not the Catholic Church's one and only God; and 4) Characters sleeping in their underwear??? Is there really a whole category just for this?? Give me a freaking break. Besides, it's not underwear as in frilly lingerie, it's like a permanent loincloth, used only when the characters aren't wearing any armor... which I would imagine is hard to sleep in. Idiots.

So the question remains: If not video games, what should these people really focus their efforts on? What is the real threat to the moral fiber of this great country...neigh, this great WORLD? Well, if these delusional fanatics and politicians were rational sorts, I would suggest things that, oh, I don't know, actually MATTERED, like the aforementioned real causes for teenage violence - the need for better education, better parental guidance, better counseling, maybe creating afterschool programs to help promote social skills; as well as the obvious things like better gun control or harder punishments for individuals responsible for putting guns in the hands of teens. Then of course there are other equally important issues with today's society, such as poverty, hunger, healthcare, etc., areas in which a real man with conviction can do some real good, things that people like Thompson wouldn't know the first thing about.
Having said that, however, I realize that these are NOT rational people, who base their actions on rational thought, and therefore we must try to think on their level to come up with a viable solution for them to support. Stay with me people, I know it's tough. (Please note the numbers used for this comparison are the most accurate I could find on the internet and may not represent exact figures, so don't sue me if I'm wrong!) I put forth the following argument: Let's assume we go strictly with the "games simulate violence and cause deaths" argument. There have been around 12 instances that I could find on the internet of deaths relating to video games, and most of them to the player him/herself due to stresses brought on by excessive playing, not behavioral modification. OK, let's round that up to 15, just to be fair. 15 deaths, in the world, EVER. NOW:

• According to ESPN.com, football attributed to 15 deaths in America in 2002 alone, that number having gone down from 23 the previous year. That's just players, and doesn't include the anti-social behavior it causes in fans, such as beer-chugging face-painted maniacs, violence erupting in stadiums, betting and gambling, football dads pummeling coaches and rivals' dads, etc. According to this data, it's clear football needs to be eradicated from society if we are to survive as a civilized world. Hell, wipe out ALL the major sports, better safe than sorry.

• According to wrongdiagnosis.com, around 98,000 people die in America each year by the actions (or inactions) of doctors. Surely a man who's 650,000 times more likely to kill you than the dreaded video game is a force to be reckoned with. Line 'em up, I say, I don't care how much good they've done, doctors are clearly a major threat.

• According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), 16.5 out of every 100,000 people in the U.S. were killed in an automobile accidents in 1996. That's in ONE year, PER 100,000 people, in ONE country. Obviously automobiles are also a menace, and car companies should immediately halt production.

• According to the CDC, approximately 438,000 people die prematurely each year due to smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke. Again, that's each year, in the United States alone. Why this malevolent behavior is still allowed to this day is beyond me.

And my personal favorite:
• According to historians, RELIGION accounts for several BILLION deaths throughout the world's history. This includes, but is not limited to: The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, The Massacre of St. Bartholomew, The Thirty Years War, Nazism, Islamic Jihads, various civil wars based on religious differences throughout the world, and general religious intolerance/fanaticism. Christianity alone makes up a huge percentage of these conflicts.

So, it seems that Mr. Thompson's platform to eliminate violent and malevolent practices turns out to be a much bigger CAUSE of it than any of the issues he fights. Which is no surprise when you think about it; If one man can fight so feverishly for such an insignificant cause in the name of religion, think of what a few, or many, or a nation, would do.

And people wonder why kids play video games to escape reality.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 1

(This blog entry eventually grew too big to be absorbed in one sitting, so it was necessary to break it up into parts, sorry for any inconvenience)

This entry was prompted by a recent news article about Jack Thompson, notorious lawyer and part-time politician known for his unwavering, if misguided, battle against "harmful influences" to minors, including movies and video games. The article stated that Mr. Thompson posted an open letter to Bono, headman of the band U2 and possible buyer of the software publisher Take Two. For those that don't know, Take Two is responsible for publishing such games as, you guessed it, Grand Theft Auto, a title repeatedly heralded as the single largest contributor to anti-social behavior in young adults.
Here is a portion of the letter:

"Dear Bono:
I write you as a fellow brother in Jesus Christ, appreciative of your bold witness to the transforming truth of the Gospel, in both your words and your deeds. You daily "fight the good fight," serving Him as salt and as light in an unbelieving world. You inspire other Christians to confront the "culture of death" that surrounds us all, and I thank you. Because of what you do, it is easier for me to do what I have been called to do.

I write to encourage you, respectfully and in a spirit of brotherly love, not to purchase Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc. . . .

Bono, whom are you going to believe as you make a decision whether to buy Take-Two? Are you going to believe the liars who got caught lying, or are you going to believe a fellow believer in Christ who has been targeted for actual harm by Take-Two and its dissembling Philadelphia lawyers at Blank Rome? . . .

I am trying to keep you, dear brother, from being run over by a careening bus. I do this to help you. A brother in Christ has now warned you. Now, do the right thing, in His powerful name I pray.

In Jesus Christ, Jack Thompson"

I'm writing this blog basically for two reasons: One - as a reputed video gamer myself I feel the need to defend my hobby and the companies that support my hobby; and Two - To convey my strong distaste for Mr. Thompson's methods and tactics in trying to convince people to see his viewpoint.

Now, I am neither a politically active person nor a religiously active person; in fact, this one example pretty much exemplifies WHY I am neither. This one man embodies the very worst of BOTH entities, the double-standards and hypocrisy of a slimy underhanded corrupt politician/lawyer, and the fanatical Bible-thumping brainwashings of a religious zealot. The fact that this man is still around spewing his absurd accusations after years and years of being humiliated in the public eye is surprising to me. Need a sampling of his purported crusade against indecency? Go to www.wikipedia.com and type Jack Thompson. Enough said.

So what exactly does he have against video games? Well, besides a majority of them containing indecent and violent content (content which, mind you, is equally prevalent in today's movies, tv shows, commercials, music, news reports, magazine ads, etc.) It turns out video games kill. Oh yes, according to Mr Thompson, video games are linked to several deaths across the globe, and therefore must be eradicated from the face of the earth. These deaths occurred either by violent or antisocial behavior being mimicked in real life by players of a game, or directly to the player by suicidal tendencies inflicted by stress over a game, or by physical stress of prolonged gameplay in excess of several hours.

To put it simply, there are those that feel that video games are greatly contributing to the moral decline of today's society, and must be censored, regulated, or altogether removed from store shelves. This of course goes against every anti-censorship movement's belief that the government should mind it's own business when it comes to the media we enjoy. But even beyond that, its such a ridiculous accusation to say that a game is responsible for a person's actions, just as it's preposterous to blame a movie for a crime committed while imitating a scene. The bottom line is this: These people are unstable to begin with, and are just as prone to commit a crime after watching an episode of "The Simpsons" as anything else. The fact that these things are linked to video games, a typically shunned activity in the grown-up responsible circles of society, is as factitious as blaming Ozzy Osbourne for a fan's suicide back in the 80s. Removing the catalyst will not necessarily remove the danger; the person will simply find some other outlet for his malevolent ways. And of course, the reverse is also true... There have been plenty of psycho-bastard characters from our history doing naughty things well before any of Mr. Thompson's suspects ever hit the streets: admittedly I'm not up on my history facts, but I'm pretty darned sure Hitler never played video games, Genghis Khan never listened to gangsta rap, and Vlad the Impaler never saw a Quentin Tarrantino movie.
And would you look at that.... these people are more horrendous and evil than anything you'll ever see in today's age... so what does THAT tell you?

Part two will discuss the sheer stupidity of a campaign against video games, and asks the question, "What is the REAL threat??" Stay tuned.

Name your child responsibly....

I read a sign a while back (again with the signs) for a fundraiser for a child with a certain kind of affliction, to be honest I didn't even read the whole thing, I just remember the name of the event: "Nickels for Nicky"; asking people to donate their nickels to this charity. Now I'm all for catchy names and such, but being the cynical person I am, naturally the first thing that went through my mind wasn't "Aw, how nice that someone wants to do something for this child", but rather, "Gee it kinda sucks that this poor kid's name is Nicky, and not maybe Danny, he coulda made TWICE as much money!" Hell, he could've even raked in the bucks with the "Dollars for Danny"campaign. Even a Kenny could have fared five-times better than poor Nicky! And although it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like its brethren, the "Half-Dollars for Hailey" drive could make up in value what it lacks in participation. Of course, any higher than that and you run the risk of ostracizing the very people who want to help. However well the the "Fivers for Freddy" or "Tens for Timmy" fundraisers may do, few people would be able, or willing, to attend the "Benjamins for Billy" or "C-Notes for Sammy" events.

Naturally things could always be worse..... personally I'm hoping I never need a charity event to pay for my costs... I could very well be screwed.

"Well, Paul, the good news is that 8, 642 people attended the charity event for your new spleen... the bad news is, it won't even cover the gas to get to the hospital..."

This is how my mind works people. Love it or leave it. =)

Everybody still with me?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to pop in to the Blogs to say that yes, I'm still alive, and to apologize for not having anything up on the blogs for quite some time. I can't even use Steve's favorite excuse "I was just so busy" because honestly, I had a whole week off, and just couldn't get myself up here to put anything down. Things have been blah, spirits have been lower than usual, maybe it's the change of season that gets people in a funk, maybe it's the slight changes in my life that I'm not sure how to deal with, maybe it's that money has been exceedingly tight this month, which never has a good impact on my disposition. But I'm hopeful it'll all pass. In the meantime, thanks for continuously checking in, I promise to have some goodies up for you soon.

I Need a New Travel Agency

Next week I'm taking vacation time. I've already informed both my jobs, put in the required forms, and wrapped up all the loose ends. I'm ready for my week off. I'm ready to explore the countryside, visit exotic locales, meet fascinating new people, and embark on fantastic journeys. The place I've chosen to visit on my vacation in Cyrodiil, the Imperial Provence of Tamriel. There's only one slight problem: It doesn't exist.



Well, not in the real world, anyway... you see, I've taken time off to play a computer game. "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" hits store shelves on March 21st, and I plan on being there first thing. Now before you scrunch your collective eyebrows and judge me, let me explain myself.
This is my hobby. This is what I do in my spare time. Some people go fishing, some people travel, some people play sports. I like to marvel at wonderful 3D graphics, pit myself against cunning AI enemies, and team up with friends to outwit the opposition. Yes, today's society views computer gaming somewhere between D&D gaming and being a trekkie, especially at my age, but the truth is, I enjoy it. Sure, I'd love to travel the world, meet 'actual' fascinating people, and go off on real-life adventures, but that costs considerably more money than my $50 game. $50, mind you, that gives me an average of 20-30 hours of enjoyment, compared to say, a movie which is $10 for +/- 2 hours of questionable enjoyment.



So, yes, I took off to play a computer game. Why a whole week?? Why not just a day or two? Well, simply put, this is a very unique game. It's the sequel to Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, which in my book is one of the all-time greatest RPG's of all time. It's completely open-ended, which means that you have total freedom to go exploring throughout the world without being restricted by a linear storyline. I've been anticipating this game since it's announcement back in 2004, and once I have it, I know myself well enough to know that I'd be way too preoccupied to actually get any work done, and the hour or so I'd manage to squeeze in after work every night would only serve to frustrate me. So when you think about it, I'm actually being a RESPONSIBLE adult by taking off! At least, that's how I'M rationalizing it.

Besides, I do plan on doing other things during my time off… I plan on getting through a ton of DVD's that I have yet to watch, like the Matrix Trilogy with it's 10 discs of bonus materials, and possibly start my first season of Oz which I've had since Christmas. I'd also like to throw some things up on eBay, to contribute to my "Get Paul Out Of Debt" fund. And if I'm lucky, I might even get a blog or two written and posted. So, you see, it's not all fun and games.

Mostly, yes, but not all.

WHO? WHO Speaks Spanish?!?

Hi there.... it's good to be back...

So, I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard a commercial that just got me shaking my head. It wasn't the whole commercial, just one line, one sentence, and it was in spanish. Let me preface this:

I'm not known for my tolerance for ultra-PC thinking. That doesn't mean that I'm a racially slurring, gay-bashing, handicapped-hating, sexually harassing asshole; I'm all for the equality of everyone, I just despise when the 'equality" is taken too far, or to places where it's just not necessary. The Braille instructions on the bank drive-thru instantly comes to mind. Another is the 500 page manual that came with my stereo, of which 20 are actually in english, the rest in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, Lebanese, Ancient Egyptian, Klingon, and Latin. But, whatever, I've learned to deal. But then I heard this commercial and I had to laugh. I honestly don't know what it was for, since I don't pay attention to commercials all that much, I think it may have been for a construction company or plumber. So let's just say for the sake of argument it was for a plumber. The announcer went through his shtick, "We unclog drains, fix bathtubs, emergency 24 hour service," etc. etc. Then he says, "Se habla espanol", meaning, obviously, "we speak Spanish". Which would have been somewhat acceptable had I been watching a TV commercial - visually seeing a man doing plumbing stuff, or even a newspaper ad - with some nifty little plumber clipart, you know, SOMETHING to let me know what the advert was about without knowing the language. But this was a RADIO COMMERCIAL. So, in essence, a spanish-speaking person was driving through town listening to the radio, and a commercial comes on: "BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, We speak spanish, BLAH BLAH." What the?!? I can just see the bewildered look on this anonymous person's face, as he tries to decipher who exactly speaks spanish and whether or not he requires their services... Totally wasted three seconds of airtime, if you ask me.

Still not convinced? Try it: You're driving through some country, know little to nothing of the language, and your car breaks down. while trying to start it up again, a commercial comes on, " Veristi mauble dudoni co pilgrehanda em tutonici ferol plistic. Garblo fecitan tualtin feistu. We speak english. Corbunico flees! Fee Shindo Shindo, hoder vevin, shindo cond."
Yes, the fact that the towtruck driver (who's commercial you just heard) speaks english really helps out here.

The doors have swung open!

OK, I've since opened up the blog for comment from anyone, regardless of whether they're a member of Blogger or not. Personally I don't like forcing people to join things just to participate in something I'm doing, but sometimes it's important to keep the riff-raff out. But I'm now inviting everyone, even the riff-raff in, with the knowledge that I can snuff them out on a whim if necessary. It's my own little geeky high-tech version of a power trip... bear with me. =)

New and Improved Fun Blog!

Taking a cue from Toni, I have now added a section on the side of interesting and/or fun little websites that I have come across in my travels on the information superhighway. Feel free to check in periodically to take a gander!

As an added bonus, let me share with you the funniest thing I recieved in e-mail in 2005:

The first case of Bird Flu in Florida......

Trash knows no color

This post may change some readers opinion of me, however I feel it necessary to post. I tried to write with the most open-minded intentions possible, but sometimes people annoy me to the brink of irrational thought.
I have a confession. Yesterday I was rendered temporarily racist. I'm not happy about it, in fact I'm ashamed, but it was a fleeting moment and does not represent my general feeling towards people of other races. Here's the story: Toni and I went to the movies. To see "Chronicles of Nardia" in fact. Yes it was meant to be a kid's film, and yes there was a high chance there would be kids there, but we went anyway. Everybody knows the old cliche gripe about why people bring their kids to the movies, but this particular example needs describing to explain my apology. OK, a couple and their three kids were right behind us, a toddler and 2 kids around four or five. Throughout the movie: The toddler proceeded to blurt out baby talk periodically; the 2 older kids had complete discussions about the action on the screen; food wrappings were being wrustled throughout the film; somehow soda was splashed on me not once, but twice; and the parents did nothing to prevent any of this. And they were black. This final note needs pointing out only because on our way out of the theatre, as Toni and I were discussing the inconsideration of bringing toddlers to movies, I said to her, "I'm sorry, this is going to sound racist, but for God's sake, get a job and hire a babysitter..." Yeah, incredibly un-PC of me, for sure. I'm not sure why I felt the need to tag it as a racial statement, as it could have just as easily been a white couple with their rowdy little kids behind us, but for some reason for that split second I rationalized that a white couple would have just been plain inconsiderate (however employed) as opposed to the black family. And I apologize for that.
But this incident made me think about a few things. First, I don't discriminate against race, I discriminate against assholes. Specifically assholes that lower my quality of life. Whether it be someone who harasses me in a parking lot, someone who runs a red light and almost hurts or kills a member of my family or a friend (or myself for that matter), or someone who brings a crying child to a movie. Color is definitely not a factor in this. A real racist may argue that most blacks or Puerto Ricans or Jamaicans or whatever fall under this category.... but I don't buy it. I've met plenty of decent hardworking respectable ethnic people, and have run into PLENTY of white scum in my time, mostly in the form of "White Trash". And then I started thinking about this term: White trash.
The label "white trash" is almost racial in itself, but not in the way you might think. Think about it: if you listen to other people tell stories about their encounters with problematic people, they always feel the need to label them. "This black guy harassed me for change", "This Hispanic woman hit my car..." This white-trash couple stole silverware from the restaurant..." AHA! back up... Why not just "this white couple..."? Why do we have to specify that THEY are trashy, but it seems to be automatically assumed in the other cases. This, my friends, seems very racist to me. I'm sure many of us are guilty of this too, it's just the way society seems to have dictated our way of communicating. But it doesn't make it right. Therefore I am vowing to try to avoid describing people less by their ethnic background (except where in pertains to the story) and more by their tendency to piss me off. "That Jerk... That Asshole...... That Trash......." What color was he?? It just doesn't matter.

Master of the shadows

This started off as a comment on Steve's Blog entry "Why "Hide and Go Seek" is Ultimately a Crappy Game" but decided it was too long and would make a better entry on my own blog. I suggest reading http://thymenage.blogspot.com/2005/12/why-hide-and-go-seek-is-ultimately.html as a prerequisite to understanding this post, as it's too much trouble trying to retrofit this comment to stand on it's own.

Once again Steve, you and I share similar stories. I have actually endured BOTH sides of your hide and seek experiences. First, when we played hide and seek in our basement, we had even fewer choices than you... we had about four halfway decent hiding spots.... and one really really good one. Naturally before finding this spot games lasted no more than a minute or two, as the finder casually walked through the basement jabbing a stick into the darkened areas or punching the unusually large kid-shaped pile of clothes on the floor, a pile that wasn't there 10 minutes ago. But I always prided myself at being a master of the shadows, and one time found this perfect spot, one no one dared look in, for it was certain no one would be hiding there... on top of the oil tank behind the pipes. You see, we played in the dark, increasing the average game from 10-15 seconds to 1-2 minutes. Spying this primo spot, I concluded that if I lay on top of the tank, pressed up against the wall and remained motionless, I would never be seen unless someone actually climbed up to look. What made it great was the fact that the pipes made it look like no one could even fit back there; however a scrawny little master hider like myself could, and did. Thus enters point number 2 of your blog..... the long boring wait to be found. I must have been up there nearly a half hour at least before the seeker went away, allowing me to escape without giving away my position. I think I must have used that spot four or five times before I either got found, or got so sick of waiting to be found I just jumped up and yelled "ALRIGHT, I'M HERE ALREADY!" I don't remember which it was.
But as we got a little older, we had a new game to play. This new game was the epitome of survivalism. It was Ringalerio, and it was Uber-Hide and Seek, on a grand level. The playing field: The entire block. Every backyard, every bush, every deck crawlspace, no rules except one: It had to be on the block. It was riddled with dangers: chain link fences, barking dogs, irate homeowners, you name it. And I was the master. This was around the time the Rambo movies were coming out, and I fancied myself the ex-marine on the run from authorities. Nobody found me. And I waited. A long time. But the giddy feeling I felt knowing I bested my enemies more than made up for the hours spent in thorn bushes, buried in leaves and crunched under decks.

Blogging in the New Year

Hello my faithful and resilient readers! Thank you all for patiently awaiting my return from Blog-hiatus; I know I have been negligent in my writing duties, but on top of the usual "Holidays are crazy" business, the truth is: nothing much has been going on, at least nothing blog-worthy. However, I did want to drop in and say that I'm still very much alive, and will hopefully be blogging in full force in the upcoming weeks.
I also wanted to give a big thanks to my closest friends that made my first New Years bash a fun and festive event. Not all of my good friends could make it unfortunately, but our thoughts were with them nonetheless. Thanks to Linda, Tim, Rich & Jill & the kids Emily and Josh, Michelle, Toni, Liz & son Alex, Steve, Sue and Joe for choosing to spend their New Years with me. Special honorary mention goes out to Steve's wife Sue, who sacrificed her night to watch the kiddies so that Steve may join us. Despite having three kids in my incredibly un-kid-friendly apartment, injuries were minimal, structural damage was much less than anticipated and noise levels were.... well, OK, it was damned noisy. But having learned from previous New Years parties that it is wise to hold back on the noisemakers until the last minute when kids are involved, we were able to avoid having the neighbors call the police. The new 67" TV accommodated everyone well, although Regis's huge-honkin head is even scarier in wide screen, especially when attempting to sing. Almost everyone managed to leave something at my place interestingly enough, regardless of their state of intoxication. Sadly, undergarments were not among the items left behind. And if there's one thing we all learned that night, one thing that we could take home with us, it was the knowledge that Peter Gabriel has finally gone of the deep end.
One last note: The Paulanoma blog now has a confirmed 8 total readership, with an estimated 10! These numbers are indeed staggering, and increasing every year! I hope to hit a cool dozen by the end of the decade. Until then, keep warm, keep cool, and have a very wondrous and exciting new year!

(Addendum: Does anyone else find it ironic that the Spellcheck on a BLOG-specific website does not recognize the word 'blog'??)

It Blows to Suck

Pumping gas the other day, I noticed that my tires looked a little low, and decided to go to the air pump to fill them up. Nowadays it costs 50¢ for air... you know, the stuff that's all around us for free. I remember when air was free, back when free air was a service of the gas station. Now free air is 50¢. But that's not what this gripe is about, I've come to terms with paying for my air a long time ago. No no, what shocked me was when I turned around and decided my mats were dirty, and maybe I should vacuum them. I typically don't use the gas station vacuums, because you have to pay for that too, but it IS my new car, and my friends Sue and Joe are coming down from Michigan for Thanksgiving, so I wanted the car to look somewhat presentable, and not having the time to run extension cords down my stairs to plug in the vacuum at home, I decided what the hell. Figuring it couldn't be more than the air pump, I took out another two quarters, only to look up at the sign that said "$1.50". Not wanting to make a scene, I casually shook my head and went on my merry way, dirty mats and all.

Dissecting the fundamental logic of this scenario, I'm at a loss to explain how it could be more money to vacuum than to pump air. Breaking it down into simpler terms, it's 50¢ to blow air, $1.50 to suck air. Or in a different but equally accurate term, it costs me half a buck to give me air that's ALREADY free, but it's a dollar more to suck it away from me!

Now one may argue that there are different variables involved in each machine. OK, let's go over them: One blows air, one sucks air. Assuming the pressure is equal, it doesn't cost any more money to run a fan one way versus the other. But it's not equal, is it? There's no way it takes less pressure to push air into a tire at 40 psi then it takes to suck up some dirt particles. Hence the reason the pump uses an air compressor, which if you've ever been to Home Depot, is alot more money than a vacuum. So that's out.

Supply and demand? Every one of us with a car has had to use the air pump at one time or another, but honestly, how many people really use the gas station vacuum? Seems there's a much more demand for something you can't regularly get on your own, unless you own one of the above mentioned air compressors. Vacuums, however, are much more commonly found in households across America, and as such is not as aggressively sought out elsewhere. Really, why pay $1.50 for something I can do at home? 50¢? Sure, it pays for the convenience of not having to lug your vacuum outside, and is admittedly more powerful than a Dustbuster. But I'd rather save the extra buck and do it at home, thank you. So you're charging fifty cents for something everyone needs, and one fifty for something people can do at home. If I recall economics class correctly, that's the exact OPPOSITE of the supply and demand concept.

So what does that leave? The fact that once a month a minimum waged gas attendant has to trek on out to the vacuum and empty the dirt bin? Sorry, not seeing the value there. The fact that the vacuum is left on longer? It's certainly not 3 times as long. Any way you slice it, my friends, you're getting ripped off to suck.

I'm not by any means suggesting they raise the price at the air pump to compete with the vacuum, no sir; it's ridiculous to have to pay any amount for either service. My job here is to simply point out the inconsistencies in everyday life.

Living the Vida Solo [edited 11/20/05]

Life as a bachelor is often lived by trial and error. Having lived on my own for nearly 11 years now, I'd like to share some of the insights into my little world of bachelorism:

1) Liquid dishwashing soap is not meant to be used in the dishwashing machine.
2) Left long enough in the freezer, even ice will go bad.
3) Just because you can't smell it, does not mean there's no odor.
4) It's probably a good idea to have a fire extinguisher handy when experimenting in the kitchen.
5) The dishwasher is a great place to store dirty dishes.
6) It takes practice to pee and brush your teeth at the same time.
7) Don't bother saving soy sauce from chinese take-out; you will never, EVER use them. I've been in my house for three and a half years, and I have three and a half-year-old soy sauce packets in my fridge.
8) You can forget to take your clothes out of the dryer, but NEVER forget the clothes in the washing machine.
9) No matter how well you think you know home electronics, MARK your wires before taking apart your home theatre system.
10) If you say to yourself "I'm never going to remember where I put this." when putting something away, you won't.
11) The best plant to get a man is a Jade plant; it can go for months without watering, and even when almost dead, a healthy dose of water will make it spring back to life.
12) Don't forget to remove the porno tape from the VCR before selling it to a friend for his daughter. (yes this actually almost happened).
13) Never iron in the nude.

More to come, as I learn.

Every Car Has Their Day....

As I'm sitting here at work, waiting for the inevitable flood of projects to come down the pike and wondering what to post next in my blog, I happened to glance over on my desk to the latest issue of Locksmith Ledger magazine, a publication I happen to be the layout artist on, and decided to write about that. Why the hell would anyone reading this care? Ah, my loyal subjects, because like every other month, I recieved little to no help in getting materials for the cover art of this issue, and being the topic of the month was "Automotive 2006", I decided to chance it and put my own car up on the cover. No one complained, so up it stayed.

So now my car's famous. Thinking back, I probably should have picked a photo where I was visible in the reflection, just so I can say that I, too, was on the cover of an international trade magazine. Actually, my torso IS slightly visible, so if I wanted to get real technical, I can say I have a famous pelvis... but that would only serve to open me up for a huge amount of wisecracking jokes at my (and my pelvis') expense. And nobody wants that.

Bif Naked in NYC

Last night I was finally able to cross off a big item at the top of my life's "To Do" List.... I saw Bif Naked in concert. Those that know me can tell you that I don't get all that excited about too many things in life; sure I may obsess about the next great computer game coming out in 6 months, and I did check the forums every day for a month before getting my Scion tC for any relevant news, but other than that I don't really have a strong opinion about too many things, especially in the way of music. Up until recently there was not one band I would undeniably say is my favorite, a band that I would buy anything they put out, with the possible exception of Rage Against the Machine. That has changed with the discovery of Bif. Out of maybe....MAYBE four bands I would spend the money to see in concert nowadays, she was #1 on my list. Was it worth it? You have no idea.



Everyone knows I'm a big worrier. I worry... alot. This night was no exception. I was worried about: Being late; not getting a good seat; not being able to see Bif; was the venue going to be too big? too small? Were they going to take my camera away? Hell I was even worried about meeting Bif in person. Why? Because I'm not cool. That's not a put down, it's not low self-esteem, it's just a simple fact, like saying "I'm not blonde". I've come to accept this. Just the fact that I thought I MIGHT actually meet her is evidence that I'm clueless. Need more proof? How about the fact that I spent $50 on tickets, then come to find out she put a password up on her website prior to the concert that lets you in for free? Yeah, I'm a chump. But at least I feel better knowing I'm contributing to the arts, I just hope she got a decent portion of the proceeds.



Anyway, long story short, all my worrying was for not. We were early (2 HOURS early, thanks to an apparent mix-up with the time). Being so early allowed us first choice and essentially got a spot right up against the raised stage, about 3 feet from the mic stand. The venue was slightly larger than my apartment, so it was pretty intimate. I could see her just fine, especially when she sang to the girls right next to me. I was able to snap over 100 photos, although most ended up being of her elbow or back of her head, since she was moving around the stage faster than my crappy camera could capture. And no, I didn't get to meet her.



So, the concert was awesome. Short, but awesome. I was surprised that she didn't play every song off her new album, given that it was what she was there to promote. And she didn't sing my favorite song 'Religion', but in the hour or so she had to squeeze in her songs, a few of my favorites were bound to be missed, and I was just happy enough that she dove back and played some earlier stuff. Lyrically Bif's music is unlike any other band I've heard. Every song is intensely personal drawing from her own life experiences; it seems almost autobiographical in nature. And as such, I almost feel like I know her as a real person as opposed to just some rock star, and when she took the stage it was almost like watching a good friend playing in a band.



Suffice to say, I'm really glad I finally got a chance to see Bif Naked live, up close and personal. Even if I never get another chance, this experience will last a lifetime. And Bif, if you're reading this, I was the annoying F**ker to your left taking all those pictures... Sorry!

Film Review: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

One of the things I always wanted to do, either for the Coffee Crew readings or on my own website, was movie reviews(with my own twisted warped point of view, naturally.) Here is as good a place as any to jot them down. So here it is, my first official movie review. (warning: possible spoilers here.)

Review: The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy

First off, let me say this first and foremost: I loved this movie. Was it a masterpiece? No. Did it have a mind-blowing plot? Not really. Was it particularly well acted? Eh. So why did I love it? Because 1) I'm a huge fan of the HHGTTG universe, and 2) They didn't screw it up... at least not as much as I was expecting, and a fraction of the amount they could have. Not perfect, but for the most part, they got it right.
If you are a fan of the series, if you've read at least the first few books, watched the 6-episode mini series, and/or heard the BBC radio broadcast of the Hitch Hikers Guide, or even played the infocom text adventure game, then you know the story, and chances are this movie will definitely appeal to you. If you've never heard the phrase "Don't Panic!", are clueless as to what to do with a Babel fish, or the number "42" just doesn't do it for you, you may be a bit lost with this latest installment of the Guide. This movie tries to stand on it's own while keeping remarkably faithful to the original material; however without some background knowledge of the story, the characters and even the Guide itself, newcomers may find themselves wondering what the heck it's all about. Scenes and concepts that naturally flow together in the mind of veteran fans may seem disconnected and random to the average patron. Naturally (being the former) I can only give my opinion in the gleeful subjectivity of an avid fan. And I won't even apologize for it.
The movie roughly covers the content of the first book (or first 3 episodes of the miniseries), occasionally straying from the original material to connect the dots left open due to time restraints of a feature film. Unfortunately it's difficult to tell the story of the Guide in the 1 1/2 hour span of a film, and because of this the movie feels crammed, as though they are trying to jam in as many jokes as possible. Much of the brilliant writing and dialog between characters tends to simply get lost in the rush to get it all out. Also, the addition of a love interest between main characters doesn't really fit into the whole "Guide" story; I assume it was put in to appease those that would otherwise be completely lost as to what's going on.
Despite this, there was much included for the fans of the Guide. Snippets of familiar sound bytes; cameos of several actors and characters; even the occasional appearance of the late Douglas Adam's likeness. And let's not forget the main attraction: the Guide entries themselves. There was much concern that these would be left out, in favor of a more cinematic blockbuster feel. Have no fear, the Guide is in, and as campy and endearing as ever. Rather than update the entries with fancy computer generated 3-d holographic images, the producers chose to stick with the basic line drawing feel of the original series which, in my opinion, makes it that much funnier, given what today's technology would have allowed them to do.
So, the bottom line is: If you're a fan of the guide, this movie doesn't disappoint. If you're not, well, nobody's perfect.

Paul's Movie Ranking: 7.5 out of 10

Peer pressure

Well, I'm officialy screwed.

It seems that everyone and their mother (what about fathers, or siblings?) has a blog now. Out of my carefully selected hand-picked group of friends, 4 of them now have blogs other than me. And out of them, 3/4ths are professional writers by trade, and the other 1/4 is an English Lit major. So where does that leave me? Naturally this is not some contest, there's no award for coming up with the most posts, the best blog entry, or the wittiest comments; but still it seems slightly competitive to me. Knowing that my little corner of the world can't possibly be as well written or more enjoyable than the others tends to discourage me from trying. Conversely, reading the threads and threads of blogs being submitted by my cohorts fills me with this dreadful need to catch up and keep my own blog updated regularly.. in other words, to 'keep up with the Jones'. Ah, to have been born into the Jones' family, they always have such nice things....
Ahem... anyway, why stress about it? It's not that important, nobody will think less of me, at least not any less than now. Why not just put down my musings like I have been, and let it flow naturally like it's meant to? Well, 2 reasons: One, when I feel like I have to do something rather than doing it just for fun, it becomes a job or a chore, and therefore I have less of a desire to continue it. This is why I could never become a comedy writer or comedian; as soon as I was required to spit out funnies on demand, I'd never be able to do it. Some of (in my opinion) funniest moments were in the middle of random conversations with friends which spiralled into ludicrous scenarios, something not easily duplicated in a lab.
The second reason for my lack of blog upkeeping is simple: Time. Yes, I seem to use this excuse excessively for just about any and all of my problems and shortcomings; everything from "My bathroom is moldy because I don't have time to clean" to "I haven't gotten laid lately because I just don't have time to meet people". Cooking? HA! No time. Reading? Nope, too busy. Updating a blog? When you spend roughly 60 hours in front of a monitor a week, the last thing you want to do is sit down and start typing. "But Paul, you come home at 11:30 at night and start playing computer games... Why do you make time for THAT and not blogging, you jerk!" one may ask. A valid question, if not for the plain fact that it's not even remotely the same. Games are an escape, a recreation, requiring little to no actual thought, and to me it's immensely entertaining. Not that blogging isn't fun mind you, but it's the equivilent of having company over and having to be "on" all the time, versus just wanting to wind down and walk around in your underwear.
So here I am, unwittingly pressured to blog away, keeping it fresh and humorous for the lucky few that have found my site. Thanks to this update, I can sleep well tonight.

The Faux Pas of Film, Pt. 2

...continued


• Obvious Product Placement
This one may seem to be an obvious pet peeve, as most people with reasonable intelligence can pinpoint product placement in television or movies and roll their eyes exclaiming, Gee, you think Lexus paid ‘em any money?” I’m not talking about the ‘casual’ placements, such as someone using an Apple computer or something. No, the ones that drive me over the edge are the incursions so blatantly obvious, you can almost envision the executives being handed bags and bags of cash, while laughing sadistically at the thought of ruining another film just to buy another 50 kilos of coke. There are two such over-the-top placements in recent memory that particularly struck a cord with me.

Example 1: Matrix.

Setting: Our protagonist, computer hacker Thomas Anderson, has just been instructed via cell phone to escape capture by climbing out onto a window ledge. This he does reluctantly, as he is naturally several stories high, but not without the cliché slipping-and-almost-falling-to-his-death scene. In the middle of slipping-and-almost-falling-to-his-death, he loses his grip on the aforementioned cell phone, and as it is flung into the air, it pauses momentarily on it’s faceplate, clearly showing the world that this is, in fact, a Nokia-brand phone, before continuing it’s fall to the ground. I could almost picture the words “4 out of 5 Computer Hackers recommend Nokia for their cell-phone needs” as it pauses so unnecessarily for the audience. Now, the so-called “bullet-time” effect was pioneered and used in this particular movie several times, but mostly to demonstrate how the characters could move much faster than normal, dodging bullets and the like, hence the name “bullet time”. Our Mr. Anderson had no such powers at the time, so there was absolutely no reason to slow down his falling phone other than to sell Nokias to the viewer. I would have accepted this commercial a lot more readily had our character dropped his phone while having this ability to slow time, and as the phone slowly reveals it’s make and model, he grabs it quickly to demonstrate he now has this amazing ability. No, come to think of it, it would still piss me off, but not nearly to the extent it does as it stands now. Had I owned a Nokia phone at the time I, too, would have flung it out the nearest window.

Example 2: I, Robot
There is absolutely no excuse for this one, no matter how you look at it. The movie is set in the future, 2035 to be exact, the last place you’d expect a new sneaker from 2004 to show up, right? EERRR!!! Wrong! Within the first few moments of the film Del Spooner, a Chicago city cop with a pension for chasing down robots, displays his winning online bid: a brand new pair of “vintage” 2004 Nike’s! If that didn’t remind me of the purposely blatant product placement in “The Truman Show”, I don’t know what does.