Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Holiday Negotiations

It's that time of year again, and as much as I love the holidays, there's always been one aspect of it that has gnawed at my tiny little conscious. We're all familiar with the symbols and traditions surrounding many of the well-known holidays – Santa and gift-giving for Christmas; bunnies, ducks and coloring eggs for Easter; pumpkins and trick-or-treating for Halloween; placing the fate of the world's climatic system in the paws of a large rodent in Pennsylvania for Groundhog's Day — All fairly harmless, good clean fun. But then there's one, gruesome holiday; one based on lies; whose traditions are built on the mass murder of millions of innocent creatures. I am, of course, referring to the genocide known as...

...the Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner.

"And why is this so terrible?", you may ask. "After all, we eat turkey every day." This is of course very true; it just seems to me, I don't know, cruel and somewhat zombie-like to all set our sights on one specific animal for one specific holiday just for the sake of tradition. But I'm not going to go on some lunatical rant about the morals of butchering entire lots of flightless fowl so American families have a reason to sit down at the dinner table together; oh no, this blog addresses the bigger question, the question nobody bothers to ask.

Who the HELL did the turkeys piss off to get THAT gig?

Seriously, when it came time for the powers-that-be to negotiate holiday contracts with various bidders, who exactly represented the turkey population? What kind of Bernie Madoff/Joe Jackson mutherfucker were they stuck with as an agent, because as little as I know about the legal process and contract negotiations, even I can tell they got a bum deal. Image with me, if you will, how it must have gone down:

Turkeys: Phew! Sorry we're late, travel's a real bitch, what with being flightless and all... anyways, what'd we miss?

Agent: Well, it was a real circus in there, all the major holidays were up for bid, but I think you'll be happy with the one we got....

Turkeys: Awesome! What happened?

Agent: Well, first off, we couldn't get your own holiday like you requested; turns out the Groundhogs have a knack for seasonal predictions, which the Committee felt was a much better selling point than your ability to solve a Rubiks Cube in under ten minutes; I couldn't really argue against their case...

Turkeys: Damn! Well, it was a longshot...

Agent: We almost got you into Easter, but ultimately it was decided that your brightly-colored plumage would conflict with the pastel colors the committee had chosen for the holiday, so it went to the chicks. Unfortunately the Chicken Labor Union, which was funded by the Toledo Dye Corporation, teamed up with the Bunny Rabbit Worker's Force, which received major backing by the Hershey's Corporation; so now the official symbols of the Easter holiday are brightly colored chicken eggs and chocolate rabbits; what any of that has to do with the resurrection of Christ I have no idea, but their agent was fantastic!

Turkeys: What the?? Please tell us we're not so convolutedly shoved into a holiday like that....

Agent: Oh no no no.... your role is very significant to the holiday.

Turkeys: Oh wait... is it Christmas? Did we get Christmas? Because, you know, we ARE cold-weather fowl....

Agent: No, unfortunately the state assigned that one to some pediphile as community service; they WERE looking for animals to pull the flying sled though.....

Turkeys: Perfect!

Agent: However, I had left the meeting to go get some Jujubes, and the reindeers grabbed the contract..

Turkeys: The REIN.... what the FUCK? They're not even birds!! Maybe we can't fly, but at least we have freaking FEATHERS! And who the hell eats Jujubes anymore?? So what was left? Halloween?

Agent: Apparently turkeys aren't scary enough for...

Turkeys: SCARY? you want to see SCARY you sonofabitch?!?! Tell me what we got stuck with! Valentine's Day??

Agent: I'm sorry, no... independent studies showed that 98% of all regional turkeys can't shoot a bow and arrow with any real degree of accuracy, so they went with the cherubs.

Turkeys: For the love of.... just tell us...

Agent: Well, it turns out there actually WERE turkeys at the Thanksgiving festivities.

Turkeys: Oh.... well.... that's not bad, not bad at all, right guys?


Agent: Yeah, and they were even present during the gigantic Harvest Feast they had that day..

Turkeys: Wow! That's great! Were they the guests of honor?

Agent: Sure, let's go with that.

Turkeys: This is fantastic! So... what do we do.......


Steve said...

Very good.

I like the ability to solve a Rubik's cube. A nod to my recently developed skill?

My thing about the turkeys and Thanksgiving is this: a very popular Christmas song lyrically states that "Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright." My initial reaction is always, "Um, no... Turkey's are a given at Thanksgiving. But you don't necessarily have them at Christmas, right?" I know we do Italian sometimes.

It just seems that they should have shoved the Turkey reference in that "Over the Hills and Through the Woods Song," which is basically the only traditional Thanksgiving "carol" that anyone knows, right? And, conversely, they should take the snow and sleigh from that song and put it into "Chestnuts." It could be an even swap.

But, really, what I think of even more when I hear that one line is...and I'm really not kidding here: I think of it every time I hear that "everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright." I think, "Everybody does NOT know that." I, for one, don't know that happens to be true. I'm kind of of the opinion that it doesn't. But that's just me. And I am part of "everybody," right? They're making too many generalities.

Well, anyway, if you miss this kind of nonsense from me, know that the plan is for the Heart & Mind blog to return from its 2010 sabbatical in 2011, which is fast approaching. Stay tunes.

rassmguy said...

I doff my hat to you, sir. Your best blog to date. Bravo.