Go Fish

No, not the game. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that made me laugh. I didn't chuckle right away; it was only after I thought about it's message a little did the absurdity of it really kick in. It said, simply:



The idea, of course, is the driver is so extraordinarily good at fishing, the mere mention of his name (to fish) strikes fear into the hearts... of fish.

Here's what I found amusing about this particular statement: Of all the Game and Wildlife sports, fishing seems to me to be the most... I don't know, passive. Now I'm in no way putting down, making fun of or belittling fishing; I'm sure there's a certain amount of skill and knowledge involved in successfully catching fish, and if that's your outdoor sport of choice, then enjoy to the fullest. But let's face it, of all the sports which involve stalking, hunting and killing prey, a worm on a hook seems the most easily avoidable. Guy sits in boat, plunks down line, and waits for hungry fish to come to him. There's nothing to justify any fish fearing him... just simply avoid the bait! At least with hunting there's a real sense of, well... being HUNTED. The deer, rabbit or duck has a reason to fear the hunter.... they're actively being tracked, stalked, chased. No matter where the animal goes, the hunter could show up and BLAM! at any minute. That's a man to be feared; not the man whose line you happen to stumble upon and think looks yummy. If you're going to personify fish to the extent that they know a man's name when they hear it, then it's reasonable to assume they're intelligent enough to sidestep the hook and be on their way.
Think of it this way: Which man would you actually FEAR, the enemy with a sniper rifle who could pick you off at any moment, or the guy that lays the minefield? Sure both are deadly, but one's actively trying to kill you, while the other is passively hoping you just happen to step on one of his mines. I think the minelayer would get laughed out of the bunker if he went around claiming the enemy shakes at the sound of his name.

Of course, if the driver of the vehicle with the bumper sticker had a row of fishheads on spikes lining his bumper, well that's a different story... even I'D be scared of that guy!

Got a Buck? Go Elsewhere

Throughout my many years in the publishing and advertising fields, I've learned and accepted this simple fact: clients and advertisers love to idiot-proof the hell out of their advertisements. "If we don't put the price 10 times bigger than the rest of the type, they'll think it's free"; "If we don't put our name and phone number 15 different places, they won't know who to call..."; "More color means more sales, add more color!" So it really cracks me up when I see marketing that completely abandons this concept. Case in point: I came across a store in a strip mall yesterday whose name pretty much said it all: "Things Over $1.00". Yes, that was the name of the store; it was not just a sign in the window, it was not in front of a single aisle; you have Target, you have Best Buy, and you have Things Over $1.00. Just the title alone made my eyes roll in astonishment, wondering what chimp got paid millions of dollars for that genius bit of marketing. But it's the implication that really gets me. Things over $1. They sell things that cost more than a dollar. Doesn't really leave much out, does it? I mean, does that imply that I can go in there and buy, say, a phone, or a pool, or a welcome mat, or a motorcycle, or a beret, or an air conditioner, or a couch, or a suit, or a python, or a calendar, or a shovel, or a hamburger, or a set of speakers? Last I checked these things all cost more than a dollar, so hypothetically I should be able to find any one of these items there. What am I supposed to expect to buy when walking into this store?

Finally, a true one-stop shopping experience

I mean, I get it. I know what they're trying to do. They're in the same field as those "99¢ Stores" and "Under $1" places. But there are two flaws in their strategy: First off, The whole appeal of a "99¢ store" is just that: everything is 99 cents. You can go in with a few bucks and leave with several things. It's almost like a garage sale, without worrying about whose feet those nailclippers touched last. What exactly is the appeal of a store that touts everything in their store as costing "over a dollar"? Sure it could mean some things are, like, $1.09, but it also means some might be $2.09, or $4.99, or $9.99. At that point they're really no better than any other store that sells low-end crap, so why bother?
The second point is simply this: it's a grim reminder of today's economic environment. Over at the Thymenage blog, Steve wrote about a similar phenomenon having to do with gumball machines and the inflation from 10 cents to 25 cents to now up to 50 cents plus, all for the same crap you got 15 years ago. Click here to read. This is similar to the trend we're seeing here: first the "Under $1" store, then the "99¢" Store, now the "Over $1" Store. I for one am putting my foot down here and now; I refuse to shop at any crappy merchandise establishment selling their cheap sub-standard goods for anything over a dollar! Join me, and we'll ensure a future free of overpriced knick-knacks and clothes hangars, knock-off batteries and plastic tools.

No Purchase Necessary

I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch today. I know, I know, with my cholesterol, that's the last place I should have gone, but I was craving some hot wings and surprisingly, KFC has some pretty decent wings. So there I was, sitting down with my meal, and looking around for something to read. I like having something to occupy my eyes while I eat meals, whether it be a tv show, video game, or the placemat on the tray of a fast-food restaurant. To my dismay KFC's placemat had nothing of relevance to read, so I grabbed the receipt to check it out, and lo and behold, a contest! Well not really a contest, it was one of those opinion survey things, where you call or log onto their site, let them know how your experience was, and possibly win $1,000 for your troubles. These "E-pinion" things seem to have become very popular lately, as if restaurant owners suddenly realized that 'Customer Satisfaction' is not just a empty promise scrawled across a mission statement. While reading the contest info and rules, I came across a frequently used term in contests: No Purchase Necessary. I found this quite odd, for a number of reasons. First, I would never have known about the survey unless I actually purchased something and found it on the back of the receipt; but more importantly, the whole point of the contest was to encourage patrons who are buying things to take a survey to rate the service received. If there was no transaction, no purchase and no interaction with the staff, how am I supposed to rate them on a service I didn't receive? What am I supposed to say if logging on to the site after NOT having made a purchase? Is there an entire column labeled "Not applicable" for those that just decided to take the survey for the hell of it, having never stepped into the restaurant?
Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole "No Purchase Necessary" thing is pretty standard on most contests, especially those that are instant winning types or those in which you need multiple pieces to win, such as the McDonald's Monopoly game. These also crack me up though, because along with the whole "No Purchase" thing they also state that you can "write in for a free gamepiece" or "free scratch-off game", as if they're really going to send a million-dollar winning gamepiece to some loser who couldn't even be bothered eating at their restaurant.
Anyway, as far as KFC's "Opinionport.com" survey went, I decided to call them on it, wondering if maybe they had some kind of contingency for those who actually did walk in and out of the store without purchasing a single item. Sure enough, the first screen I get to: "Look on the front of your receipt and find the store number.... Enter the number in the space below exactly as it appears on the receipt." Hmmm... OK, kinda hard to do if one HAS no receipt, but whatever. As I was in fact lucky enough to have one, I punched in the number, answered 3 little questions, and was coldly told I was not this weeks winner, and to try again in six weeks. SIX WEEKS? The receipt confirms this: "Limit 1 entry every 6 weeks". I had to wonder how they plan on monitoring this, given I supplied absolutely no information about myself save for the 7-digit store number. I input the number again, and this time I get a much longer survey. Ah...filled it out and again was told I'm not $1,000 richer. Tried one more time, and their records showed I already filled out a survey from this machine. Ah ha, that explains that. But I'd still like to know how I'm supposed to participate without a purchase!

I Need a New Travel Agency

Next week I'm taking vacation time. I've already informed both my jobs, put in the required forms, and wrapped up all the loose ends. I'm ready for my week off. I'm ready to explore the countryside, visit exotic locales, meet fascinating new people, and embark on fantastic journeys. The place I've chosen to visit on my vacation in Cyrodiil, the Imperial Provence of Tamriel. There's only one slight problem: It doesn't exist.



Well, not in the real world, anyway... you see, I've taken time off to play a computer game. "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" hits store shelves on March 21st, and I plan on being there first thing. Now before you scrunch your collective eyebrows and judge me, let me explain myself.
This is my hobby. This is what I do in my spare time. Some people go fishing, some people travel, some people play sports. I like to marvel at wonderful 3D graphics, pit myself against cunning AI enemies, and team up with friends to outwit the opposition. Yes, today's society views computer gaming somewhere between D&D gaming and being a trekkie, especially at my age, but the truth is, I enjoy it. Sure, I'd love to travel the world, meet 'actual' fascinating people, and go off on real-life adventures, but that costs considerably more money than my $50 game. $50, mind you, that gives me an average of 20-30 hours of enjoyment, compared to say, a movie which is $10 for +/- 2 hours of questionable enjoyment.



So, yes, I took off to play a computer game. Why a whole week?? Why not just a day or two? Well, simply put, this is a very unique game. It's the sequel to Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, which in my book is one of the all-time greatest RPG's of all time. It's completely open-ended, which means that you have total freedom to go exploring throughout the world without being restricted by a linear storyline. I've been anticipating this game since it's announcement back in 2004, and once I have it, I know myself well enough to know that I'd be way too preoccupied to actually get any work done, and the hour or so I'd manage to squeeze in after work every night would only serve to frustrate me. So when you think about it, I'm actually being a RESPONSIBLE adult by taking off! At least, that's how I'M rationalizing it.

Besides, I do plan on doing other things during my time off… I plan on getting through a ton of DVD's that I have yet to watch, like the Matrix Trilogy with it's 10 discs of bonus materials, and possibly start my first season of Oz which I've had since Christmas. I'd also like to throw some things up on eBay, to contribute to my "Get Paul Out Of Debt" fund. And if I'm lucky, I might even get a blog or two written and posted. So, you see, it's not all fun and games.

Mostly, yes, but not all.

WHO? WHO Speaks Spanish?!?

Hi there.... it's good to be back...

So, I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard a commercial that just got me shaking my head. It wasn't the whole commercial, just one line, one sentence, and it was in spanish. Let me preface this:

I'm not known for my tolerance for ultra-PC thinking. That doesn't mean that I'm a racially slurring, gay-bashing, handicapped-hating, sexually harassing asshole; I'm all for the equality of everyone, I just despise when the 'equality" is taken too far, or to places where it's just not necessary. The Braille instructions on the bank drive-thru instantly comes to mind. Another is the 500 page manual that came with my stereo, of which 20 are actually in english, the rest in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, Lebanese, Ancient Egyptian, Klingon, and Latin. But, whatever, I've learned to deal. But then I heard this commercial and I had to laugh. I honestly don't know what it was for, since I don't pay attention to commercials all that much, I think it may have been for a construction company or plumber. So let's just say for the sake of argument it was for a plumber. The announcer went through his shtick, "We unclog drains, fix bathtubs, emergency 24 hour service," etc. etc. Then he says, "Se habla espanol", meaning, obviously, "we speak Spanish". Which would have been somewhat acceptable had I been watching a TV commercial - visually seeing a man doing plumbing stuff, or even a newspaper ad - with some nifty little plumber clipart, you know, SOMETHING to let me know what the advert was about without knowing the language. But this was a RADIO COMMERCIAL. So, in essence, a spanish-speaking person was driving through town listening to the radio, and a commercial comes on: "BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, We speak spanish, BLAH BLAH." What the?!? I can just see the bewildered look on this anonymous person's face, as he tries to decipher who exactly speaks spanish and whether or not he requires their services... Totally wasted three seconds of airtime, if you ask me.

Still not convinced? Try it: You're driving through some country, know little to nothing of the language, and your car breaks down. while trying to start it up again, a commercial comes on, " Veristi mauble dudoni co pilgrehanda em tutonici ferol plistic. Garblo fecitan tualtin feistu. We speak english. Corbunico flees! Fee Shindo Shindo, hoder vevin, shindo cond."
Yes, the fact that the towtruck driver (who's commercial you just heard) speaks english really helps out here.