Encyclopedia Giachettica

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.

2011-03-27T21:14:00.050-04:00

No, faithful blog readers, today's entry is not about the ridiculously apocalyptic weather Mother Nature has blessed the Northeast with this winter. Today's selection is a combination "I freaking need to update this blog NOW"/shameless promotion piece about a little known television series called Red Dwarf. Why, you may ask, am I writing a blog about this particular show, when I watch hundreds of hours of other sci-fi and/or comedy television, probably on a monthly basis, and never bothered to write about any of them? Well, you inquisitive and nosy little reader you, I'm writing about it because I WILL be writing about it. A LOT about it. A whole book's worth, actually.

For those that don't already know, one of my "extra-curricular" activities involves being co-owner and art director for Hasslein Books, a little venture my good friend and author Rich Handley and I created to publish unofficial sci-fi genre reference books. To date we have published two well-received guides to the Planet of the Apes mythos: Timeline of the Planet of the Apes and Lexicon of the Planet of the Apes. Having sucked the last bit of life out of that particular universe, we decided to expand our lineup to include other franchises; currently Rich and fellow author Greg Mitchell are teaming up to tackle the Back to the Future universe, no small task by any means.

As with the Apes projects, my involvement in production of these new books won't really kick in until after the manuscripts are written which, given the depth and detail to minutia these books typically include, can be well over a year. I've now watched Rich do this twice, and both times I had wondered: as big a 'fan' as I claim to be about certain franchises, television shows, movies, bands, etc., was there actually anything I truly felt so passionate about, wanted to know about in such intimate detail that I'd spend years hunting down, pouring over and dissecting every last scrap of material I could find? Invariably there was only one series I could ever see myself even attempting to do: Red Dwarf.

If you're unfamiliar with the show, I only need three words to describe it – British. Sci-Fi. Comedy. That's all you need to know (that, and the term Red Dwarf refers to an immense crimson mining ship in space and not, as some people have actually asked me, about actual dwarfs). Trying to describe it any further than that would ultimately do the show a major disservice; Like most brilliant sci-fi television shows, it's not so much the overall premise that hooks you, so much as it is the characters (and more importantly the interaction between these characters), and how they play with the conventions of science fiction. And when it comes to Red Dwarf... oh, how they play; and sometimes not very nicely. Logic holes, plot holes, inconsistencies and whatnot, things that would normally drive a nitpicker like myself absolutely insane within a more serious program, are absolutely accepted (and in fact encouraged) in a typical Dwarf episode. It's the juxtaposition of simultaneously mocking and embracing science fiction clichés that makes the show more than just a comedy, but a smart comedy.

And I've just tasked myself with writing the comprehensive encyclopedia on it.

Fortunately for myself, there's not a huge amount of material to sift through... 'huge' being a relative term, of course. Some may consider meticulously analyzing 51 television episodes, 4 novels, 23 issues of fanzines, an official website, a roleplaying game and several other books on the subject a 'huge' amount; comparatively speaking, however, it's quite small compared to many sci-fi franchises such as, say, Planet of the Apes, which had literally hundreds of comics, books, novels, shows, unpublished scripts and other media in addition to the original movies.

Despite the limited amount of resources to go through, I'm already finding myself running into a few interesting challenges. For one, much of the humor of Red Dwarf depends on the use of similes, metaphors and references to fictional and real-life people, places and things. So even though a serial number on a robot is easy enough to log an entry about, a character referencing Mary, Queen of Scots requires a pause, a google-search of "Mary, Queen of Scots" to verify it's in fact a real person, a stopover to wikipedia to get a brief history, and writing an entry that not only includes some real-world info but how the reference was used and in what context. And there are dozens of such references in every episode, including things like basic british vernacular and slang, which I have to decide whether to even include. Suffice to say, a half-hour episode could end up taking upwards of 9 or 10 hours to get through. The other issue I face is basic continuity; despite what I said earlier about inconsistencies being part of the charm of Red Dwarf, in reality it wrecks havok when trying to write a compendium on it. From what I remember of the novels, for example, entire premises have been altered, characters have been replaced, and descriptions have been completely changed. Most of these discrepancies will probably just be mentioned in notes, but the bigger ones will have to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, something I'm hoping will get easier as time goes on.

In spite of these challenges, though, I'm finding the process incredibly fulfilling. The biggest thrill is hearing things for the first time; with much of british comedy it always difficult to get everything the first time around, indeed I've watched these shows several times over and still pick up on a new joke or comment here and there. Now, watching the episodes with captions (an absolute necessity when writing about them) allows me to soak in every word and absorb every last joke, and having to research references makes many of them that much funnier, now knowing the source.

Of course, getting my hands on new material (in the form of books, novels, etc.) is always part of the fun. I have noticed, though, an attempt by several authors of these books to adhere to the same off-the-wall comic tone as the show, with varying degrees of success. As much as I appreciate that type and style of humor, I'm trying to maintain a more reserved approach when writing the encyclopedia, treating it as more of a serious reference book and less as an extension of the show. The reason is three-fold: first, I'm not convinced their particular style of humor translates well to the written form. Without mentioning names, a few of the books reviewed for this project came across to me as somewhat trite and forced, as if the writers wanted to say, "Look at me, I can write comedy for them too!" The second reason is time; it would literally take twice as long to come up with funny filler material in between actual facts. And the third is quite simply a legal matter. This is an unauthorized book; trying to add original jokes in the same vein as the show would eventually involve me creating new material, which is strictly forbidden in an unlicensed reference book. I can report the facts of the material, as they are presented, but cannot create new fiction. Don't get me wrong, that's not to say the book will be dull and completely devoid of any humor; those facts I'm reporting on are inherently hysterical by their very nature, so no matter how 'straight' I try to make the entries, the humor cannot help but seep through. I'm hoping it'll ultimately make for a good balance of fun and informative reading.

I will say from what little I've done so far, I now have a newfound respect for the amount work Rich puts into writing these books. It makes my few months of graphic work on the projects seem pale in comparison, and committing myself to this project gives me a real sense of finally 'pulling my own weight', as it were. I can only hope to do the series justice, and create a book not only worthy of the 'Hasslein' name, but of the Red Dwarf moniker as well.

Holiday Negotiations

2010-11-17T12:12:00.026-05:00

It's that time of year again, and as much as I love the holidays, there's always been one aspect of it that has gnawed at my tiny little conscious. We're all familiar with the symbols and traditions surrounding many of the well-known holidays – Santa and gift-giving for Christmas; bunnies, ducks and coloring eggs for Easter; pumpkins and trick-or-treating for Halloween; placing the fate of the world's climatic system in the paws of a large rodent in Pennsylvania for Groundhog's Day — All fairly harmless, good clean fun. But then there's one, gruesome holiday; one based on lies; whose traditions are built on the mass murder of millions of innocent creatures. I am, of course, referring to the genocide known as...

...the Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner.

"And why is this so terrible?", you may ask. "After all, we eat turkey every day." This is of course very true; it just seems to me, I don't know, cruel and somewhat zombie-like to all set our sights on one specific animal for one specific holiday just for the sake of tradition. But I'm not going to go on some lunatical rant about the morals of butchering entire lots of flightless fowl so American families have a reason to sit down at the dinner table together; oh no, this blog addresses the bigger question, the question nobody bothers to ask.

Who the HELL did the turkeys piss off to get THAT gig?

Seriously, when it came time for the powers-that-be to negotiate holiday contracts with various bidders, who exactly represented the turkey population? What kind of Bernie Madoff/Joe Jackson mutherfucker were they stuck with as an agent, because as little as I know about the legal process and contract negotiations, even I can tell they got a bum deal. Image with me, if you will, how it must have gone down:

Turkeys: Phew! Sorry we're late, travel's a real bitch, what with being flightless and all... anyways, what'd we miss?

Agent: Well, it was a real circus in there, all the major holidays were up for bid, but I think you'll be happy with the one we got....

Turkeys: Awesome! What happened?

Agent: Well, first off, we couldn't get your own holiday like you requested; turns out the Groundhogs have a knack for seasonal predictions, which the Committee felt was a much better selling point than your ability to solve a Rubiks Cube in under ten minutes; I couldn't really argue against their case...

Turkeys: Damn! Well, it was a longshot...

Agent: We almost got you into Easter, but ultimately it was decided that your brightly-colored plumage would conflict with the pastel colors the committee had chosen for the holiday, so it went to the chicks. Unfortunately the Chicken Labor Union, which was funded by the Toledo Dye Corporation, teamed up with the Bunny Rabbit Worker's Force, which received major backing by the Hershey's Corporation; so now the official symbols of the Easter holiday are brightly colored chicken eggs and chocolate rabbits; what any of that has to do with the resurrection of Christ I have no idea, but their agent was fantastic!

Turkeys: What the?? Please tell us we're not so convolutedly shoved into a holiday like that....

Agent: Oh no no no.... your role is very significant to the holiday.

Turkeys: Oh wait... is it Christmas? Did we get Christmas? Because, you know, we ARE cold-weather fowl....

Agent: No, unfortunately the state assigned that one to some pediphile as community service; they WERE looking for animals to pull the flying sled though.....

Turkeys: Perfect!

Agent: However, I had left the meeting to go get some Jujubes, and the reindeers grabbed the contract..

Turkeys: The REIN.... what the FUCK? They're not even birds!! Maybe we can't fly, but at least we have freaking FEATHERS! And who the hell eats Jujubes anymore?? So what was left? Halloween?

Agent: Apparently turkeys aren't scary enough for...

Turkeys: SCARY? you want to see SCARY you sonofabitch?!?! Tell me what we got stuck with! Valentine's Day??

Agent: I'm sorry, no... independent studies showed that 98% of all regional turkeys can't shoot a bow and arrow with any real degree of accuracy, so they went with the cherubs.

Turkeys: For the love of.... just tell us...

Agent: Well, it turns out there actually WERE turkeys at the Thanksgiving festivities.

Turkeys: Oh.... well.... that's not bad, not bad at all, right guys?

Other Turkeys: GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE

Agent: Yeah, and they were even present during the gigantic Harvest Feast they had that day..

Turkeys: Wow! That's great! Were they the guests of honor?

Agent: Sure, let's go with that.

Turkeys: This is fantastic! So... what do we do.......

The Game of Perfection (or, 'My First Stress Test')

2010-01-21T21:54:00.012-05:00

Remember that 'ol Milton Bradley game, Perfection? The one with oddly-shaped pieces that needed to be placed in their respective holes on a big plastic board before the timer ran out, lest it all spontaneously springs up, tossing your well-placed shapes everywhere and giving you a near-heart attack in the process? Yeah, I hated that game.
In the classic Chicken-and-Egg conundrum, I'm not quite sure which came first; my intense and primordial hatred and loathing for strictly-timed mental-aptitude tests which therefore governed the deeply rooted anxiety that game brought out; or the deeply rooted anxiety that game brought out, which in turn fed my intense and primordial hatred and loathing for strictly-timed mental-aptitude tests. In other words, do I despise the game because of what it is (basically a stress test) or do I hate what it is because of the game?

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I say I'll take my chances...

Because let's face it, that's really what this torture-chamber-in-a-box really is; an adolescent mental stress test. I don't know about you, but MY face never looked so happy and entertained as the cheery little cherubs on the box would suggest -- more often it would be decidedly more frowny in appearance, with possibly a bead or two of sweat forming on the brow as the incessant ticking of the timer distracted me from finding the hexigonally-shaped hole.

I do find it amusing there's a warning label on the box that simply says, "Choking Hazard...not suitable for children under 3", as if that's the only danger this game poses. I believe it should really say: "Psychological Hazard - may cause aneurysms due to exceedingly-high stress levels... may scar your child for life and cause him/her heightened anxiety when placed in similarly stressful situations down the road.... Side effects may include heightened agitation near clocks, an unnatural fear of geometric shapes, and a constant feeling of being 'rushed'... " To this day I can't play games (board, video, or otherwise) which force players to complete a certain amount of tasks before time runs out. And despite working in the publishing field, the thought of strict deadlines makes my heart palpitate. Sometimes, while working on a desperately-needed layout, I feel as if any minute my keyboard may go BAM!!! and spray key shrapnel everywhere like a Vietnamese booby-trap.

Thank you, Milton Bradley, you sons of a bitch.

(NOTE: Thanks to Steve for the inspiration to write this entry, who somehow was able to recite the entire Perfection jingle on cue.)

Technology turns 360°

2009-10-20T16:22:00.019-04:00

No, that's not a typo; I'm not referring to technology taking "2 steps back" as I have in the past

(See "You'll Thank Me Someday...") which of course would be technology turning 180°... This is more about technology going through several steps to arrive at the exact spot is started, more along the lines of this entry ("Call, Click, and Come on in") over at the Heart and Mind Blog. In order to begin, though, I do need to refer back to the former post.

Back when I first started archiving the blogs on paper, an argument was made about the redundancy of typing, posting and storing a blog electronically, only to go back and print an archaic 'paper copy' of it as backup, and if this practice was in fact going against the grain of technology. My counter-argument referred to people who buy expensive phones with the capability to actually talk to people, only to use them to hold entire conversations via texting, which is arguably much slower and more painstaking. I pointed out how that practice has become the norm and "acceptable" in today's world, and the people who were ribbing me about printing a book off of an electronic medium should just get off my damn back already.

We're still only talking a technological 180° turn here (going from "talking" to "texting"), but what inspired this entry is what apparently is coming next. Because Congress is only now starting to realize that texting while driving could potentially kill you and others, companies are starting to develop speech-to-text technology for phones which will, brace yourselves, convert your spoken words into text, which will then be sent through your phone. Let me reiterate that. You can now SPEAK into your PHONE, which will convert into TEXT, which will be sent through your PHONE, to be read... on another PHONE. I'm guessing its only a matter of time before the other end gets converted by text-to-speech software, making this ludicrous circle complete. Now it can take a full half hour to have a ten minute conversation!

I'm not sure how many lives this will eventually save, or how many accidents this will really avoid; but I can already foresee the damage this can potentially cause to the fragile relationships between shallow narcissistic people who simply can't wait to get to their destination before texting about weekend barhopping. Let's face it, no technology is foolproof; a girl may get a text asking what she wants to do tonight, and she verbally answers, "Club Houstead", which her phone translates as "club you in the head" and sends on its merry way... and she'll forever wonder why that friend suddenly turned really bitchy and seemed to lose interest in hanging out. Or what happens if you're listening to your iPod whilst dictating a message to your mom? Listening to Nine Inch Nails might not be a good idea while making dinner plans... "I'll be over around 6 to f*ck you like an animal..." Yikes.

Totalitarianism, Anarchy, and Utopia: The Goldilocks Syndrome

2009-08-31T09:14:00.001-04:00

I am by no means a scholar, so anyone expecting a deep philisophical discussion on the political climate of today's world can just skip to the next person's blog. No, this is merely an attempt to straighten out the thoughts in my head, which at this moment involve the means to a Utopian Society, and why humanity's abusive nature will never allow one. But first a prologue to that idea.

I am a big believer in the 'universal balance', the idea that light cannot exist without dark, good without bad, the duality of the cosmos, karma, etc. It is the fundamental Yin-Yang theory, and one of the reasons for getting one tattooed on my leg; the other was to symbolize my personality in general. That's not to say I have a split personality; it's more about the duplicity in my beliefs, the ongoing series of arguements between the devil and angel on my shoulders, with rarely a clear winner. I tend to see both sides of a story as having legitimately good and bad points, with different shades of gray, and have a hard time deciding which side I'm on. In trying to resolve conflicts, both internally as well as externally, rarely do I find one side unequivically right and one side inarguably wrong; to me life has always been a wide spectrum of grays, the trick is to determine which side has the lesser amount of it. Unfortunately human beings are probably the single biggest gray area in the cosmos, which makes them the hardest to figure out and predict. Here's why: the more complex you make a mechanism, the more chances there are for things to go horribly wrong. You see it in cars, you see it in computers, and you see it in living things. A grasshopper is not as likely to maul you unprovoked as a dog would; likewise, a dog is not as likely to imprison members of your family in a power struggle to gain control over the household as, say, some humans might do to a country. The human brain is the single most complex mechanism known to exist, and thus the most unpredictable. Yes there are 'good' people and 'bad' people, (and let's not forget these very concepts are based on perspective) but very few of us are totally 100% saintly (yin) or completely 100% evil (yang). We all have that little spot of contrast within that adds a gray tinge to the mix. It makes for an extremely diverse world.

So what does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, I often find myself looking around the world and saying to myself, "Well, this sucks". Mostly it's while reading the news. And being me, I frequently try to think of solutions to the various problems I see, if only in hypothetical terms. I ask myself, "What would need to change in order to obtain the level of peace and harmony so often seen in science fiction's version of the future? What do we need more/less of in order to create a Utopian society? What exactly IS the definition of a 'Utopian' society?" Well, a generally accepted perception of the perfect society seems to be one with no crime, no poverty, no disease, no hate, no corruption; where everyone lives harmoniously and no one is left wanting. Where the need for material gain is replaced by the need to improve the society as a whole. And that, I'm sorry to say, will never happen. It's not being pessimistic, it's not being fatalistic; it's being a realist; unfortunately being realistic oftentimes tilts towards the pessimistic side. It will never happen primarily due to the reasons above; There are too many people, with too many different beliefs, that are too set in their own ways. I'll break it down: In order to have a purely Utopian society, you'd have to convince everyone on Earth to:

Have the same ideals, ethics and values;

Have the same beliefs and belief system or at the very least TRULY and TOTALLY believe in religious tolerance.

Have the same perception of justice, and agree on a system of law and a method of enforcing it;

Have the utmost respect for and faith in their fellow man.

Agree on the eventual goal and purpose of humankind.

Yikes.

Living in America, the perverbial melting pot that it is, I see cultural, religious and societal differences every day of my life. As much goodness and kindness as I witness, I've seen an equal amount (if not a significantly higher amount) of people taking advantage of the system, acting as if they are more important than their fellow man, showing no respect to others, having no tolerance for others beliefs, and generally living as though the rules don't apply to them. and that's just in ONE country. So how do we get people to change, to all think the same way? The bigger question is...

SHOULD we?

First things first.

The 'how' has been a question of the ages. Well if we were starting from scratch, you might say 'religion'. Sure, give everyone a set of standards, a way of thinking, a moral guideline. In theory, a sound idea. In practice.... well, we've all seen how well THAT worked out. Religious differences account for more deaths in human history than probably every disease combined. So what next? Ah, maybe Government. Have a ruling governing body dictate one way to live, what morals to have, the one way to think. I'm sure I don't have to point out how horribly bad THAT idea was, specifically when the Germans had it.

The fact of the matter is, had we as a species evolved together, in one unified society, and developed a moral and ethical way of life together, we may have had a fighting chance to create and maintain a civilization where we all thought and felt the same and had a common goal for our world. Not likely, but possible. Now, however, with our gaping cultural differences, there's no way we as a people can overcome the huge diversity of our species without someone taking charge and forcing it upon us. Which leads to the second question: Should we even try?

Probably not. As was mentioned, forcing a way of life, even a Utopian way of life, on people is still trying to remove their individuality. People would resist, and the only way to ensure the masses act according to utopian doctrine is to have complete control over what they can and can't do, which ultimately defeats the purpose of a utopian society; laws would be so micromanaged as to allow very little personal freedoms.

Conversely, if we remove government involvement completely, we'd have total pandimonium. Everybody doing whatever they want, however they want, whenever they want, wouldn't last a week. Even assumedly rational people who more or less think and behave the same way would eventually come at odds with each other over how to handle the tiniest situation. You simply cannot have any group of people live together without some sort of governing body, someone who decides what is right and wrong for the group.

Thus we come across the Goldilocks Syndrome: Too hot, too lumpy, Too much governing.... Too cold, too soft, too little governing. And 'just right'? Well, that's the big question, isn't it? And the answer is very simple, if disheartening. The answer is: There is no answer. Because everyone has a different opinion on where that sweet spot is, we may never see world peace in the near, or even not-so-near, future. The simple fact that we are such complex organisms gives us the gift of being uniquely different from each other, yet at the same time curses us to see different paths to Utopia, if they care to see it at all.

Random Boba Fett Thought of the Day

2009-08-28T14:54:00.004-04:00

Do you think Boba Fett was a little freaked out while working for the Empire, you know, with all his clones walking around working for Vader? I mean, now that we know the stormtroopers are just 2nd generation Clone Troopers, all made from the same genetic material as Jango and thus, Boba himself, and not having lived among them since childhood, wouldn't you be a little creeped out walking around Cloud City knowing everyone in shiny white plastic suit looks and sounds exactly like you? I don't know, maybe not... maybe it was just killing him not to be able to teach them to shoot straight or give them armor that can actually block a laser....

I watch the Watchmen

2009-03-08T00:56:00.021-05:00

"The studios are extended gutters and the gutters are full of garbage; the accumulated filth of all their greed will foam up about their waists, and all the studio execs and publicity whores will look up and shout 'make us a sub-par movie with over-rated actors while defiling the source material and compromising integrity for a quick buck', and Zack Snyder will look down and whisper, 'no.'"

While it's very likely this exchange never actually took place, it may as well have, as it's perfectly clear having just seen Watchmen that director Zack Snyder not only lived and breathed this epic comic series (my friend Rich would kill me if I used the term 'graphic novel') during production of this movie, but also refused to buckle under any pressure that may have been applied by the suits to make just another run-of-the-mill blockbuster action flick. The end result of this resolve is a film worthy in every way of the name 'Watchmen', a story long considered to be ultimately unfilmmable. That's not to say that the film is without it's issues; I'd be hardpressed to find any film I couldn't nitpick a few points on, especially when it comes to adaptations. However they're mostly issues born out of necessity; problems that arose because bigger problems needed to be solved, and in this respect I consider them minor at best.

<< This review contains major plot spoilers. If you plan on seeing the film as a Watchmen virgin, enter at your own risk. >>

Before I get started, a word of warning: This film is not for everyone. People who know very little of the Watchmen universe, it's characters, backstories, and the comic may find this film extremely disjointed and very hard to follow. Had I not just recently read the novel, I may have had a very different reaction to the film. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that people who aren't well-versed in the Watchmen universe should avoid it; quite the contrary, by all means book your tickets now, if for any other reason than to whet your appetite enough to want to run to the bookstore to learn more about these fascinating characters and their motivations. Just don't go into it thinking you're getting the full story - the book, having originally been 12 separate issues of a comic, is disjointed enough; add to that the various elements that needed to be cut or condensed to fit into a feature film and you may walk away with a lot of questions.

For those that ARE well versed, you're in for a major treat. It's clear this movie was directed at the fans, but not in an in-your-face kind of way that cheapens many other film adaptations. Although storyboarded directly from the comic panels (there are certain scenes you can literally overlay over the film and not see a difference), it never comes across as forced or out of place. One of the many concerns most people had was how the dialog would come across; whether it would be word-for-word and thus sound like, well, cheesy comic book dialog, or fleshed out enough to keep it from being cringe-worthy. Fortunately the answer is the latter. Most of the key dialog is there verbatim, from Rorschach's journal entries and trademark "hurm" grunt (and no, he doesn't actually SAY 'hurm', much to my delight) to Dr. Manhattans miracle speech on Mars. But it never comes across as a bad audition read; Proof positive that writing is only half the battle, you need good actors to give the words life.

Speaking of actors, it'd be damned near impossible to collect a better cast to play these characters. If you've read every other review of this movie, you know by now that Jackie Earl Haley deserves an Oscar nomination for portraying one of the most fascinating characters ever created on paper, Rorschach. Certain actors were born to play certain roles, and Haley has finally fulfilled his destiny. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the living embodiment of the Comedian. And Patrick Wilson will have future generations of viewers wondering whether the book was actually illustrated AFTER the film, basing the character of Dan Dreiberg directly off of Wilson's performance. Even the actors other reviewers considered weak links were perfectly cast. I thought Matthew Goode, despite straying the furthest away from his 2-dimensional counterpart, was perfect in the role of Ozymandias. And Malin Akerman did as good a job as Laurie Jupiter as I felt could be done with the limited character she was given.

Which brings me to my only real point of contention which, again, I can't really blame Snyder for. As a point of reference, the Motion Comic DVD release of Watchmen, which is essentially a word -for-word, page-by-page narration of the comic, animated for viewing, is 6 hours long. The feature film is just shy of 3, meaning just about half of the material had to be cut from the book. In most cases the cuts were obvious; the Black Freighter sub-story and the Under the Hood entries, while enjoyable, were unnecessary to the film as a whole. Some, while unfortunate, were acceptable losses given the time restrictions; Rorschach's first visit to the bar looking for Edward's killer, his description of the origin of his mask or the police raid on Dreiberg's apartment failed to make the cut. Still others were combined/condensed to squeeze further. For the most part it works; however things like the Keene Act, Laurie's animosity towards the life she was forced to lead by her mother, Ozymandias' past or Jon's slow journey into apathy for mankind are all glossed over too quickly. If you've read the book it shouldn't matter as much because you already have knowledge of these things and your mind automatically fills in the gaps, but the uninitiated may be left scratching their heads wondering why characters act the way they do. Thankfully rumor has it, as another tribute to Snyder's integrity, the DVD will contain an extended version of the movie, promising to have another hour's worth of footage edited back in. We can only hope some of the character development material, especially Ozymandias, is among it.

Other than that, the only real quibbles I have with the film are the occasional choice of soundtrack song which, although fitting for the time and place, tended to somewhat pull me out of the moment, and the use of ultra-graphic violence, but ONLY when it was ad-libbed; if it was in the book I'm all for it, but the book had enough without showing bones being splintered.

Now for the stuff that worked: Edward's murder was fantastic, he actually puts up a real fight in the movie, which was a treat to watch. Rorschach's capture literally sent chills down my spine, from the moment he realizes he's been duped all the way through to the gut-wrenching "GIVE ME BACK MY FACE!" In fact, let me backtrack and just say pretty much any scene with Rorschach was nothing short of cinematic brilliance. Adrian's (Ozymandias') assassination attempt works so much better in the film than on paper, where he seemed to just push his secretary in the way. And the ending.... oh, the ending. I'm usually not one for changing what is already established, but in this case I support the decision for an altered ending 100%, for the simple reason that it doesn't actually change the outcome of the story, only the mechanic by which that outcome is achieved, and quite frankly works SO much better than the convoluted "Master plan" of the book. Kudos to Snyder for risking the fury of the purists for the sake of a better film for all.

In the end, this is easily one of the best comic adaptations to date, even nudging V for Vendetta off to the side. If you've read the book, go see it now. If you haven't, go see it now, then read the book. It's as simple as that.

Worst-case scenario

2008-11-14T16:48:00.004-05:00

I'm going to take a literal lesson from my friend Steve over at the Heart and Mind Blog and deconstruct a popular modern phrase which seems to have lost it's meaning through repetitive use. Today's victim:

PHRASE: "Worst-case scenario"

USAGE: Typically used by someone attempting to help another make a choice or decision; for example, taking a job or asking a girl out –

FORMAT: Stating the preferred choice, followed by the phrase "Worst-case scenario:____ then what the person perceives as the worst outcome, which usually ends up not being so bad, in an attempt to convince the other person to follow their advice.

EXAMPLE: "Dude, I think you should ask your sister's friend out, Worst-case scenario: she says no, no big deal!"

VARIATIONS: "Worse comes to worst", "What's the worst that can happen?"

Now I'm certainly guilty of using this particular phrase ad nauseum, as I am constantly trying to convince other people to see my point of view or take my advice. It's a good method of weighing the pros and cons of a particular decision; when the benefits seem to be equally balanced, the other alternative is to choose the 'lesser of two evils' as it were. But it always nagged at me whenever I said it, because deep down I knew almost certainly that what I was suggesting couldn't possibly be the WORST case scenario. Realistically, things can always get worse.

Take the above example: Asking your sister's friend out. Is her just saying 'no' really the "worst" thing that can happen? Maybe she says no, slaps you, laughs in your face and stomps on your foot.... Maybe she says no, whips out a switchblade and starts wildly flailing about towards you, yelling "DIE, you disgusting pig!" Hell, maybe she says YES, you go out on a few dates, spend lots of money on dining out and movies, cuddling, kissing and canoodling every step of the way, and when it finally comes time to get your freak on, she gets undressed and you suddenly realize exactly what kind of 'operation' she's been going on about for the last few weeks.... You just never know.

Here's another example: You already gave your two weeks notice at work, and your boss is really ticking you off today. A co-worker may suggest that you go tell him off, the 'worst case scenario' being that he fires you... Har har. Well, yes, he may simply fire you on the spot, or he may dismiss you, then send assassins out to kill your entire family. He may choose to shrug it off, or he may grab you, beat the living crap out of you and push you out of the 12th story window his office just happens to be on. Or, he may just smile at you devilishly like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, fingering that button on his desk you always wondered about, finally realizing it's purpose... the quick release trap door to an underground alligator pit. With these alternatives possible, just firing you would seem to be the BEST case scenario, in my opinion.

But even those examples are not really the absolute WORST that can happen. You can ask the girl out, she says no, laughs in your face, and nuclear war breaks out and the entire earth is decimated and reduced to rubble. Sure, one event isn't actually related to the other, but you have to admit that's the worst it can get... or is it? Maybe you tell your boss off, he kicks you out of his office, and the world is attacked by hideously slimy diseased alien things that instantly enslave humanity, making us their sex toys; but since our puny little genitals aren't nearly enough for their 6 ft. tall vaginas, they need to use our entire BODIES to pleasure themselves. Within days every tall thin bald man is wiped out by suffocation, leaving the rest of us to suffer an excruciating life as human dildos. Now, you tell me.... does it get any worse than that? I think not.

So, rather than relaying this horrid tale every time we try to convince others to see things our way, maybe we should refrain from attempting to predict a future we obviously know nothing about. I'm just sayin'.

The System Works

2008-11-05T09:19:00.012-05:00

As I've stated in the past, I'm not a very politically-minded individual, and even when I do get worked up about who and what's going on I generally try to keep it off the blog, for fear of alienating a portion of my 5 readers. However, after watching the election coverage last night, my feelings can be summed up with this quote from the hit television series South Park; "Wow, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King!" (And no, the irony of that quote is not lost on me...) After the last few so-called elections I all but lost complete faith in humanity, fearing some other "technicality" would allow the empire to retain it's grip on the American people. But people had enough, there was to be no more. And that is Mr. Bush's legacy; not being the shiny beacon of light in a post-911 world, not being the man who brought justice to the powers that would seek to destroy us; no, his legacy is the ruination of the Republican Party and becoming almost as universally loathed and hated across the planet as the man he calls our enemy. The numbers say it all… a 2 to 1 lead in electoral votes? People lined up in Times Square? Cities in other countries having election day parties?? It was nothing short of a controlled revolution, and the people prevailed.
It actually felt good to be an American this morning; driving in to work I felt an enormous sense of pride in having had a hand in the change that is to come. As I looked in my rear-view mirror, I swore I saw a technicolor sunrise washing unnaturally vibrant colors over the eastern sky while "What a Wonderful World" played on the radio; looking ahead I swerved to miss a dozen or so little-people dancing in the roads singing "Ding Dong, the witch is dead..." Smiling, I looked off to my right and noticed the stark red neon lines outlining the topography softly change to a more comforting light blue. Off in the distance I could see a tall, slender building supporting a giant eye frantically searching around, then exploding in a violent fireball. With slight trepidation I glanced over to my left, and there they were: Jubilant Ewoks singing their "Yub Nub" song, watching X-Wing fighters soar overhead through a dazzling display of fireworks. It truly was a wonderful world.

(NOTE: The preceding was a dramatization and not a freaky drug-induced romp through cinema-land)

Go Fish

2008-09-18T15:42:00.012-04:00

No, not the game. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that made me laugh. I didn't chuckle right away; it was only after I thought about it's message a little did the absurdity of it really kick in. It said, simply:

The idea, of course, is the driver is so extraordinarily good at fishing, the mere mention of his name (to fish) strikes fear into the hearts... of fish.

Here's what I found amusing about this particular statement: Of all the Game and Wildlife sports, fishing seems to me to be the most... I don't know, passive. Now I'm in no way putting down, making fun of or belittling fishing; I'm sure there's a certain amount of skill and knowledge involved in successfully catching fish, and if that's your outdoor sport of choice, then enjoy to the fullest. But let's face it, of all the sports which involve stalking, hunting and killing prey, a worm on a hook seems the most easily avoidable. Guy sits in boat, plunks down line, and waits for hungry fish to come to him. There's nothing to justify any fish fearing him... just simply avoid the bait! At least with hunting there's a real sense of, well... being HUNTED. The deer, rabbit or duck has a reason to fear the hunter.... they're actively being tracked, stalked, chased. No matter where the animal goes, the hunter could show up and BLAM! at any minute. That's a man to be feared; not the man whose line you happen to stumble upon and think looks yummy. If you're going to personify fish to the extent that they know a man's name when they hear it, then it's reasonable to assume they're intelligent enough to sidestep the hook and be on their way.
Think of it this way: Which man would you actually FEAR, the enemy with a sniper rifle who could pick you off at any moment, or the guy that lays the minefield? Sure both are deadly, but one's actively trying to kill you, while the other is passively hoping you just happen to step on one of his mines. I think the minelayer would get laughed out of the bunker if he went around claiming the enemy shakes at the sound of his name.

Of course, if the driver of the vehicle with the bumper sticker had a row of fishheads on spikes lining his bumper, well that's a different story... even I'D be scared of that guy!

Quotey Fingers

2008-07-21T10:44:00.010-04:00

The other day I was writing an e-mail to a friend of mine, ribbing him about his new 'working at home' gig, and during my bashing I wrote something along of lines of "oh yeah, all that (quotey fingers) WORK that you do, doing all that (quotey fingers) WORKING." We all know what 'quotey fingers' means, it's that two fingered gesture one makes when stressing a point in a sarcastic tone. The late George Carlin even listed individuals using this gesture as "people he could do without." Anyway, I was trying to be funny by actually spelling out quotey fingers instead of just putting the text in quotes like normal people do, the humor being that not only was it an extra 17 characters of typing rather than just hitting ", but it forced the visual image of me actually making the finger gesture, while reading it in text form. It was only after thinking about the whole thing in greater detail (because, well... that's just what I do) that I realized the real absurdity of the whole quotey fingers phenomenon. Consider this:
If one wanted to determine the origin of using quotes to sarcastically stress a point (if one was, say, really really bored), then one could argue it started as a verbal method of slowing down and stressing a word or phrase to suggest an opposite meaning. "Oh, yeah, they went back to his place for CAWFFEEEEEE" suggests they were not, in fact, drinking coffee. This evolved into quotation marks when in written form in order to stress the point: "...and afterwards I'm sure they "went to sleep"" implies no sleep was had.
Then, not convinced the sarcastic tone of the spoken word was enough, people started supplementing the tone with using their fingers to mimic quotation marks above their heads, placing virtual punctuation around the phrase needing emphasis, hoping that will drive home the bitter sarcasm they were trying to get across. What resulted was essentially a redundant gesture, because it came from a written translation of a particular way of speaking. It's no different than asking a question (complete with raising the pitch on the last syllable, the tonal cue of a query) and squiggling your hand around in the shape of a question mark at the end. Yeah, we get it, it's a question, the fact that your pitched changed at the end gave it away, we didn't need the visual.

And that, my friends, is where my humor comes in. Writing "quotey fingers", the spelling out of a hand gesture derived from the written punctuation referring to a tonal difference of a spoken phrase meant to display sarcasm, is damned funny to me.

Yeah, sometimes even I worry about myself.

Judge Giachettica: The Waiting Room incident

2008-05-19T15:06:00.015-04:00

Wow, where has the time gone? I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since my last post; I blame it all solely on my bathroom project. Alright, I'm sure there were other factors as well, but it's just easier to say that lately all my time and money has been spent painting, flooring, caulking, nailing, and more painting in my bathroom. But it's almost done, the dust is beginning to settle, and I can finally get my head out of the glue and paint fumes and resume my duties as blogmaster. Today's entry deals with an encounter I had the other day in the waiting room of my allergist.

I consider myself a fair and just person. Occasionally I can let my emotions cloud my judgement and react without thinking through a scenario, but I believe fundamentally I have a good sense as to what's right and wrong. I was even almost... ALMOST... sad that I didn't get picked for jury duty when I got called in last month. As I grow older I've come to understand that resolving conflicts are almost never as simple as "he's right/he's wrong", but more about determining who's MORE right and/or MORE wrong. And the hardest conflicts to deal with, of course, are the ones where fair and just people look at both sides and say, "well, they BOTH have equally valid points, neither is more right or wrong than the other." Hence my little internal dilemma when the following example played out.
NOTE: The following descriptions are meant to paint a picture of the people and events that transpired, and are not meant to lead readers to prejudge or support either side.

A few weeks back, I was sitting in the waiting room of my allergist waiting to be called in for my weekly shots. There were a few other people in the room waiting for their turn as well; among them was a man appearing to be in his late 50's, with long white hair, beard and wearing I believe a leather vest, or something that looked like biker-wear. (we'll call him 'hippy biker' for lack of a better term) and a somewhat heavy-set black man in his early 40's talking on his cell phone (designated 'phone guy'). Now phone guy was talking away, but not particularly loud, and not at all offensively, but he was talking, despite the sign on the front door of the office that requested cell phones not be used. I didn't particularly care, having tuned him out and gone off into my own little world. Hippy biker, however, was not as passive, and asked in a not-so-completely-innocuous tone, "Excuse me, could you take your call outside?" My ears perked up... spidey senses tingling, I felt a sudden rise in tension. Phone guy just kind of stared at him for a moment, obviously dumfounded by the request. He asked again, "Could you take your call outside, it's very annoying". Phone guy stared some more, then simply replied, "You go outside." Hippy biker went on to explain how rude it was for people to talk on their cell phones in public (I assume he meant in close quarters, like buses, waiting rooms, etc.), phone guy responded by saying he didn't care, which was met by a very sarcastic "You're very considerate, thanks, very considerate." Some more words were exchanged, including phone guy addressing Hippy biker as "boy", then he was called in for his appointment. Now I really don't like confrontation and usually don't get myself involved, but my body was all stiffened up with adrenaline, because halfway through I decided if this escalated to blows I might need to intervene, and it looked like it might. With the danger now passed, I was left with several thoughts and questions in my head. Who did I think was right and wrong here? How would I have reacted had it been me on the phone? Would my knee-jerk reaction have been the same as a more thought-out analysis of the situation? As an exercise I'd like you to form your own opinion before reading on to my judgement. I'll wait.

OK, as I see it, on the one side you have hippy biker, who has his own opinions and ideals, and one of them is talking on a cell phone so everyone hears a one-sided conversation is rude and obnoxious. OK, I can see that. He has a right to speak up about something that is really bothering him, and I kind of admire someone who would stand up for himself and/or others. It IS kind of annoying to hear someone chatting to an unheard party, and technically he IS in the right, since there was a sign on the door asking people to refrain from phone use. One the other hand you have phone guy simply talking on the phone, not really bothering anyone (not me anyway, I can't speak for the others in the waiting room), and minding his own business. So who's right? It always gets a little sticky when you're talking about people's rights, because the term 'rights' is so broad and covers so much terrain, they're bound to intersect and conflict. Let's quickly take another example, smokers vs. non-smokers. Smokers have a right to poison their own body, and enjoy whatever vices they want; and non-smokers have a right to breathe clean air, and not have their environment stink of smoke. But it's a bit easier to decide right and wrong in this argument because of health concerns and quality of life issues, and the government seems to agree, siding with the non-smokers more often than not (which is perfectly fine by me). In the cell phone case, it's more abstract; yes it could still be considered a quality of life issue, but it's alot more subjective. I can just as easily say that two people talking in the waiting room annoys me, but should they stop? What makes ME more entitled to my rights than they to theirs? And I think that was the struggle I was having with this confrontation; to say either one of them is right is to admit that they have more of a right to their opinion than the other guy; that somehow they're better or more important. And I have a real problem with people thinking they're better than others, or worse yet acting on it. So if you're ready, here is my final verdict.

Society has deemed using a cell phone in public the 21st century equivalent of walking into a restaurant with no shirt and no shoes; if you're talking on a cell phone, you're considered rude and inconsiderate to those around you. Personally I find it mildly annoying, but nothing to make a big deal about, and certainly not something to cause a scene over. In my opinion it was much more rude to bother someone who's on the phone and request that he take his conversation outside, where he may miss his name being called for the doctor. From my perspective it certainly was much more annoying. Cell phones are part of life; they're here and not going away. While it would have been nice if phone guy initially made his call outside, I don't think Hippie Biker had more of a right to ask him to leave, especially since he was not being offensive or loud. I therefore rule in favor of Phone guy. Court adjourned.

Addendum: I'm starting to believe this tendency to bash, criticize and mock cell phone users is getting more annoying than the actual deed, especially when it comes from hippocrites. Between starting and finishing this entry I found myself in a pizza shop waiting for my food, and as I waited I spotted a sign next to the counter, "We'll be happy to help you once you're off your cell phone!" This by itself I thought was incredibly arrogant, as if being on the phone was akin to changing a baby's diaper on the counter. But what really got me was after reading the sign, I immediately looked over at the guy behind the counter (who I happen to know is the owner) and lo and behold, he's on his goddamned phone! I actually witnessed him take no less than three orders while on the phone; now granted he had one of those robotic bluetooth earpiece thingies, but what the hell?? How is it the guy who's taking my order, giving me change and preparing my food feels it's ok to be distracted and talk in front of his customers, but holy HELL is it wrong to make him wait a half a second to decide whether I want extra cheese because I'm asking my friend on the phone! I almost wished Hippie Biker was there to rip the sign off the wall and shove it down his throat...

Oh, Please sign my book.....

2008-02-29T14:28:00.002-05:00

OK, this may not exactly be real blogworthy material, but in case my readers don't scrutinize every square inch of my blog site every time they log on, I'd like to announce that to the right over there, under the "About this Blog" blurb, is a link to my newly formed guestbook. The reason for creating this section is simple: Newbies to the Wonderful World of Paul's Mind may not feel comfortable leaving comments on any of the specific topics posted here, or may not have a strong opinion on the most recent entry. In fact, it's pretty apparent they don't. This allows a place for visitors who, either by accident or intentionally, find my blog in their travels through the World Wide Web to comment on the overall experience of reading through my entries, or to simply stop in and say hi. I often joke about my loyal readers numbering in the single digits, that nobody else would read dreck like this, but in reality I've always been curious about how many people actually DO find the site and stop in to read. Hopefully this will give me a better idea of who and where my readers are.
Of course, to me this "Guestbook" idea always seemed like a throwback to the 'ol days of graduation, where throngs of students spend the last remaining days of their school career running around getting friends and people they barely know to sign their yearbooks, all in an attempt to look cool and feel good about themselves by having every page covered in signatures. Believe me, my creating this guestbook for total strangers to sign is in no way a sad attempt to relive that era and make up for the virtually unmarked yearbook I came out of high school with..... really. This apparent need to solicit every man, woman and child on the internet to sign my humble little guestbook does NOT stem from a feeling of inadequacy, low self esteem, and unpopularity... Honestly!

Now PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just sign the damn book!!

"Bring Me Elmo's Head on a Platter!"

2008-01-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

WARNING: GRUESOME CONTENT - For those with a weak stomach, click off this blog now. I cannot be responsible for any nightmares or breakdowns in mental stability that may ensue.

Unless your child is sadistic enough to demand this for their birthday, I strongly urge you to reconsider bringing them to Waldbaums to choose a cake for his/her next party. Strolling through the aisles of the supermarket while shopping (yes, I DO shop, and no, that's not the gruesome part), I unexpectedly happened across this hideous scene in the bakery department, a display more suitable for a Halloween wax museum or Horrorfest than a grocery store. I was appalled; Young children, innocently holding on to their mother's hand without a care in the world, should never have to be exposed to such horrors. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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Marie Antoinette suffered a similar fate when suggesting cake.

What would possess any parent to purchase this abomination for their child? Forgetting the whole "it's freaking Elmo's HEAD on a platter" thing, it's not even a close resemblance of the muppet; in fact, it really does look like a decomposing head! Scary by any means. And of course we all know the birthday traditions about the birthday boy/girl and the cake.... "Hey, let's traumatize Jimmy some more by forcing him to make the first incision into Elmo's skull!"

I implore you, do not put your child through such agony. You'll pay for it in therapy for years.

Seriously... WTF??

2007-12-17T12:02:00.000-05:00

I try, I really do try, not to make fun of the younger generation; if for any other reason than the mere fact that they're simply too easy a target. Anyone can make an 'underwear hanging out' joke referring to current styles, or a 'would you like fries with that' comment suggestive of the overall intelligence of today's youth. It's just too easy, and quite frankly makes me sound like an old friggin fart. Today however I'll run the risk and am willing to make an exception, because I ran into a situation the other day that left even me speechless. Let me set up the scenario:

Saturday afternoon; Smithhaven Mall. Spencers (big shock there). Shopping for a birthday card for my brother. (yes, Spencers sells birthday cards..) Finding a card a liked, I bring it up to the stoner cashier for purchase. Now, I'm calling him a stoner, because I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here; to say otherwise would imply that he really was, in fact, seriously mentally challenged. Now if that was the case then I must truly apologize in advance, I don't make fun of the handicapped; but I have a hard time believing that, equal rights aside, even Spencers would let a mentally handicapped individual handle the cash drawer by himself. So, for the sake of the story, we'll just assume he was a stoner. Anyway, I bring the card up to the stoner, who takes his sweet time ringing up the order... the order of ONE birthday card mind you. He asks me if that is all; I say yes. Time passes. He asks me if I'd like a Spencers preferred customer card. I say no. Time passes. He asks, "Are you sure?" I say yes, I'm sure. More time passes. He starts to say the price of the card.... "Twenty four............um, wait....." It takes him a full 15 seconds to realize a single birthday card shouldn't cost twenty four dollars. "$2.40" he finally says. I quickly hand him a five, my patience starting to wear thin. I never in my wildest dreams expected the next phrase...

"....would you like a gift receipt?"

"Uh... wha? Ummm.. aaaa....errrr... huh?" That's what went through my mind in the span of a split second. A gift receipt..... for a birthday card. I'd give real money to see the security camera footage of my face as the question was posed to me. As it stood I simply just said, "No" and forced the muscles in my eyes from rolling back in disbelief. Had it not already taken way too long to purchase a single birthday card, I might have actually called him on it, said "Yes, please", gotten a gift receipt and had my brother try to return it for a full refund... signed, licked and all. But I just wasn't in the mood, holiday shopping will do that to you.

Next time, however, I will be prepared.

Bush's Days are Numbered, Literally

2007-10-31T16:57:00.001-04:00

Taking a political cue from my friend Rich's blog (Criteria for Impeachment), I decided to write a small post about something I found in the mall while shopping the other day which confirmed the state of Mr. Bush's popularity. It still baffles me how it seems, at least in my daily life, that Bush denouncers outnumber Bush supporters about 100-1, yet he was elected not once but TWICE. It still baffles me that this man most likely holds the record as being the most loathed and hated U.S. President in the history of our country, and yet he still gleefully holds the reigns of our lives. "The most hated President? Isn't that a bit harsh?" you might say (you probably wouldn't, but you might just to keep the conversation going). Well, look, every President in my recent memory has had his fair share of foibles, and subsequently has been ripped apart by the media, late-night talk show hosts, and stand-up comedians worldwide. It comes with the territory, and Bush is no different. But what makes him stand out, however, is the LEVEL of abuse he elicits. Never before have I seen so many anti-presidential memorabilia sold in stores; entire books written JUST about a President's lack of verbal skills; movies made about a President's alleged involvement in terrorist activities, and now, this:

A calendar dedicated solely to counting down the final days of a President's reign of terror. Priceless. It's non-aggressive protestation at it's finest, and really gives a new literal meaning to the phrase "his days are numbered". What I found even funnier, however, was while looking for an image of this year's calendar, I discovered that for the past several years this company has put out this calendar, slowly counting down the days until this man is finally and forcefully removed from office. Now how many Presidents have you known to evoke this kind of animosity from the American people?

Got a Buck? Go Elsewhere

2007-10-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

Throughout my many years in the publishing and advertising fields, I've learned and accepted this simple fact: clients and advertisers love to idiot-proof the hell out of their advertisements. "If we don't put the price 10 times bigger than the rest of the type, they'll think it's free"; "If we don't put our name and phone number 15 different places, they won't know who to call..."; "More color means more sales, add more color!" So it really cracks me up when I see marketing that completely abandons this concept. Case in point: I came across a store in a strip mall yesterday whose name pretty much said it all: "Things Over $1.00". Yes, that was the name of the store; it was not just a sign in the window, it was not in front of a single aisle; you have Target, you have Best Buy, and you have Things Over $1.00. Just the title alone made my eyes roll in astonishment, wondering what chimp got paid millions of dollars for that genius bit of marketing. But it's the implication that really gets me. Things over $1. They sell things that cost more than a dollar. Doesn't really leave much out, does it? I mean, does that imply that I can go in there and buy, say, a phone, or a pool, or a welcome mat, or a motorcycle, or a beret, or an air conditioner, or a couch, or a suit, or a python, or a calendar, or a shovel, or a hamburger, or a set of speakers? Last I checked these things all cost more than a dollar, so hypothetically I should be able to find any one of these items there. What am I supposed to expect to buy when walking into this store?

Finally, a true one-stop shopping experience

I mean, I get it. I know what they're trying to do. They're in the same field as those "99¢ Stores" and "Under $1" places. But there are two flaws in their strategy: First off, The whole appeal of a "99¢ store" is just that: everything is 99 cents. You can go in with a few bucks and leave with several things. It's almost like a garage sale, without worrying about whose feet those nailclippers touched last. What exactly is the appeal of a store that touts everything in their store as costing "over a dollar"? Sure it could mean some things are, like, $1.09, but it also means some might be $2.09, or $4.99, or $9.99. At that point they're really no better than any other store that sells low-end crap, so why bother?
The second point is simply this: it's a grim reminder of today's economic environment. Over at the Thymenage blog, Steve wrote about a similar phenomenon having to do with gumball machines and the inflation from 10 cents to 25 cents to now up to 50 cents plus, all for the same crap you got 15 years ago. Click here to read. This is similar to the trend we're seeing here: first the "Under $1" store, then the "99¢" Store, now the "Over $1" Store. I for one am putting my foot down here and now; I refuse to shop at any crappy merchandise establishment selling their cheap sub-standard goods for anything over a dollar! Join me, and we'll ensure a future free of overpriced knick-knacks and clothes hangars, knock-off batteries and plastic tools.

Torture!! Bloody Torture!!

2007-08-16T13:25:00.000-04:00

I try not to do "hey, this happened to me today" blog entries, but this I think deserves an exception. I've been following this game 'Bioshock' closely for almost a year; it's the first of many Next Gen PC games coming out in the next few months, and it's finally being released August 21st, a day after my birthday. I had heard rumors that some stores were selling it already, even though they were supposed to wait until the 21st by law, but I never thought anything of it, figuring it was only the XBox version that was circulating around and I'd never have the luck to come across a store that was selling them anyway. I decided I wanted the Collector's Edition, which comes with a whole mess of geeky goodness to satisfy my thirst for tacky extras, including a figurine of the main baddie of the game, the Big Daddy; a soundtrack; a bonus behind-the-scenes DVD; and other fun stuff. So today I figured I'd check in at the local Gamestop store during lunch to see what the deal was, as the Collectors Edition was supposedly a Gamestop exclusive. Here's the dialog, in a nutshell:

Gamestop Employee: "Can I help you find something?"
Paul: "Sort of, are you guys getting the Collector's Edition of Bioshock for the PC?"
GE (slowly): "Yeeees.... yes we are"
Paul: "Um..Ok....."
GE: "Here's the story on that..."
Paul: "There's a story?"
GE: "Yes, the story is we're only getting one Collector's Edition in this store on release day...."
(OK, I thought, here comes the high pressure sell, even though I already decided I was pre-ordering it....)
GE: "...and it's waiting to be reserved"
(At least he didn't say it was already reserved... I don't care if there was one or one hundred, as long as they keep one for me.)
Paul: "Ok, sounds good."
(slight pause)
GE: "Wanna know the worst thing?"
Paul: "Um, OK, what's that?"
GE: "It's sitting in our back room there, but we can't sell it until the 21st."
Paul: "WHAT? You guys got them in already? How'd that happen? I thought it went Gold only a few days ago."
GE: "No idea. They came in early, but we're not allowed to sell them until Tuesday."
Paul: "Arg! You gotta be kidding me! It's the collectors edition?"
GE: "Yep"
Paul: "With the porthole window box?"
GE: "Yep."
Paul: "And the Big Daddy figurine looking out the porthole?"
GE: "Yep."
Paul: "Aagghhh! You're killing me! Hey, does it make a difference that my birthday is Monday??"
GE: "Nope"
Paul: "DAMMIT!"
GE: So...would you like to pre-order it?"
Paul: "Son of a.....(sigh).... yeah."

"you will be mine Big Daddy, oh yes, you will be mine"

So now I have to freakin' wait until Tuesday to pick up the most highly anticipated game of the year while it sits on a back shelf in Gamestop's inventory room. I know what you're all thinking... you're thinking, "Geez, I'm surprised you didn't ask to see it and hold the box in your grubby little hands...you freak." Well, I'd be lying if I said I didn't STRONGLY consider asking him to bring it out to see what it looked like, but decided to salvage what little dignity and self-respect I had left and departed. I can wait another few days, I guess.

Stupid People in the News

2007-07-12T09:26:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, I tried to come up with a more clever title for this blog entry, but sometimes the direct approach just works the best. I usually don't do commentary on news events, but this one just had me so baffled I felt the urge to write and let the world (or at least my circle of readers) know these people exist.
You may recall a few years back a very bizarre event which occurred in Erie, PA. A pizza deliveryman walked into a bank with what appeared to be a bomb locked around his neck, and demanded money. After the robbery he left the bank and was soon stopped by police, to whom he explained that he had been taken hostage while delivering a pizza, forced to wear the collar bomb and told to rob the bank. He insisted the bomb was set to go off if he did not return, and sure enough shortly after being handcuffed to a police vehicle, was killed when the bomb detonated. What prompted me to run to my computer and blog was the news article I read today, announcing police had arrested two individuals as co-conspirators to that bank robbery plot. One of the two, Marjorie Armstrong (the apparent ringleader) is currently serving time in prison for the murder of her boyfriend. She was linked to the robbery scheme when the body of her boyfriend was discovered in a freezer in a house near the building to which the pizza deliveryman was delivering a pizza at the time of his abduction. Let me repeat: She's already been prosecuted and imprisoned for the murder of her boyfriend, and has now been charged with plotting a bank robbery. OK, now for the 'stupid' part. In defending his client, Miss Armstrong's attorney denies she could have had any part in the planning and execution of the bank robbery, saying (and this is a direct quote), "Margie's bipolar and has other problems...She won't get off of something until that thing is settled. So it's hard for me to believe she'd be planning a bank robbery when she's concerned about her boyfriend's body."

I'll pause to let that sink in............

This statement, I believe, is proof positive that evolution has officially stopped, reversed course and is now racing backwards. I don't even know where to begin to describe how many ways this single quote justifies EVERY dead lawyer joke I've ever heard in my life. His defense... of this woman..... is she's bipolar and therefore incapable of dealing with two heinous crimes simultaneously. Wow... who knew the mental illness card could now be taken to such a new low. I can see where we're heading: "Your honor, my client couldn't possibly have committed this murder, because she has OCD, and there were dirty dishes left at the scene of the crime, which my client would NEVER have left without washing......" Wait for it... you know it's coming.

Rock On, You Crazy Hero

2007-06-29T09:29:00.000-04:00

Damn you Joe. Damn you to hell.

For all of you who are NOT Joe, let me explain: I have this problem you see. My head is like a fertile garden; once a seed is planted it takes root and grows at an extraordinary pace until I satisfy it. Knowing this, and knowing how susceptible I am to suggestion, especially when it comes to gaming, my friend Joe maliciously and with intent to disrupt my life planted a seed that would spread and take over my mind like a parasitic weed. This seed: Guitar Hero 2.

I don't think even Joe expected what happened next.

I generally don't like console games, and never really got into them. I didn't have Guitar Hero 2. I didn't have a Playstation 2. And I certainly didn't have not one but two Guitar controllers. But a week after being shown a video on YouTube of some kid rocking out to Rush's "YYZ" on Guitar Hero 2 Click here to watch , and a brief visit to eBay, I now do. And let me tell you, it was the best $200 I've spent in years! This game completely and unequivocally rocks. For those who live shielded from the video game world, a brief description may be in order. It comes with a guitar-shaped controller with five colored fret buttons on the neck and a strum bar in the body, essentially letting you mimic the act of playing a guitar while color-coded notes fly down your screen according to the song being played. The object of course is to hit the right colored notes in time with those on the screen, whilst hitting the strum bar to simulate strumming the strings of a guitar. If you've ever seen Dance Dance Revolution, it's along the same lines, but with less energy expended and alot more hand dexterity required.

Yes, Steve... I wore the "National Scream" shirt just for you.

The greatest appeal of the Guitar Hero series is simply this: it gives musically-challenged people like me the ability to feel as if I'm really playing guitar along to some of rocks greatest tunes, without having a clue how to actually play. Anyone who's ever fingered their steering wheel while driving along to "You Really Got Me" or "Sweet Child O' Mine" can understand the attraction of this game. It's basically air guitar with an added sense of skill and accomplishment. I've never played a real note on a guitar in my life, and yet can already nail riffs and chords on the Medium setting. Don't let me misguide you however; this game does NOT teach you how to play guitar, no more than playing a combat simulator teaches you to how to fly a fighter jet. But just like piloting a virtual jet into a virtual war is meant to be enjoyable to the typical gamer without being overly complicated (or dangerous), Guitar Hero is designed to let the average person enjoy the sensation of rocking out to the classics without years of music lessons or succumbing to stage fright.

I've come across a few discussions online as to whether musicians who actually know how to play guitar would find this game easier or harder than the average guitar virgin. The obvious answer would seem to be yes, of course, since the game is a watered down simplified version of the real thing; however, some argue that in actuality the strict nature of the game and the necessity to hit the notes EXACTLY as shown with no room for improvisation or adding one's own style makes it MORE difficult for a seasoned player to adapt to the game. Personally I don't believe in that poppycock; to be honest I don't believe in the use of the word 'poppycock' either, but it seemed to fit the idea I was trying to portray nicely, so there you go.

So now, with my little Vince Neil look-alike avatar strumming a Gibson Explorer with Rising Sun graphics (OK, maybe not so little, after all, I AM playing on my 67" widescreen!) I rock away to Cheap Trick's "Surrender", Black Sabbath's "War Pigs", Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name of", and of course, the Crüe's "Shout at the Devil". All I need now is a second player to explore the wonderful world of Co-op play; After all, what's the use in being a guitar hero if you can't share the limelight with your friends? So..... any takers? =)

Welcome to my wonderful world of obsessions.

No Purchase Necessary

2007-05-23T14:21:00.000-04:00

I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch today. I know, I know, with my cholesterol, that's the last place I should have gone, but I was craving some hot wings and surprisingly, KFC has some pretty decent wings. So there I was, sitting down with my meal, and looking around for something to read. I like having something to occupy my eyes while I eat meals, whether it be a tv show, video game, or the placemat on the tray of a fast-food restaurant. To my dismay KFC's placemat had nothing of relevance to read, so I grabbed the receipt to check it out, and lo and behold, a contest! Well not really a contest, it was one of those opinion survey things, where you call or log onto their site, let them know how your experience was, and possibly win $1,000 for your troubles. These "E-pinion" things seem to have become very popular lately, as if restaurant owners suddenly realized that 'Customer Satisfaction' is not just a empty promise scrawled across a mission statement. While reading the contest info and rules, I came across a frequently used term in contests: No Purchase Necessary. I found this quite odd, for a number of reasons. First, I would never have known about the survey unless I actually purchased something and found it on the back of the receipt; but more importantly, the whole point of the contest was to encourage patrons who are buying things to take a survey to rate the service received. If there was no transaction, no purchase and no interaction with the staff, how am I supposed to rate them on a service I didn't receive? What am I supposed to say if logging on to the site after NOT having made a purchase? Is there an entire column labeled "Not applicable" for those that just decided to take the survey for the hell of it, having never stepped into the restaurant?
Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole "No Purchase Necessary" thing is pretty standard on most contests, especially those that are instant winning types or those in which you need multiple pieces to win, such as the McDonald's Monopoly game. These also crack me up though, because along with the whole "No Purchase" thing they also state that you can "write in for a free gamepiece" or "free scratch-off game", as if they're really going to send a million-dollar winning gamepiece to some loser who couldn't even be bothered eating at their restaurant.
Anyway, as far as KFC's "Opinionport.com" survey went, I decided to call them on it, wondering if maybe they had some kind of contingency for those who actually did walk in and out of the store without purchasing a single item. Sure enough, the first screen I get to: "Look on the front of your receipt and find the store number.... Enter the number in the space below exactly as it appears on the receipt." Hmmm... OK, kinda hard to do if one HAS no receipt, but whatever. As I was in fact lucky enough to have one, I punched in the number, answered 3 little questions, and was coldly told I was not this weeks winner, and to try again in six weeks. SIX WEEKS? The receipt confirms this: "Limit 1 entry every 6 weeks". I had to wonder how they plan on monitoring this, given I supplied absolutely no information about myself save for the 7-digit store number. I input the number again, and this time I get a much longer survey. Ah...filled it out and again was told I'm not $1,000 richer. Tried one more time, and their records showed I already filled out a survey from this machine. Ah ha, that explains that. But I'd still like to know how I'm supposed to participate without a purchase!

I'm a Stinkin' Liar.....

2007-03-26T11:51:00.000-04:00

Well, what can I say? It's been exactly 2 months since I left my second job to persue more free time, a more relaxed lifestyle, and the ability to chew my food instead of choking down a meal in 10 minutes. Two months since I last wrote on my blogs, promising more frequent updates due to my newfound freedom, more tales of adventures permitted by all the free time I would now have.

And what has happened since then?

Nothing.

Well, nothing is obviously an understatement. I mean, things happen all the time; to reword, nothing BLOGWORTHY has happened, or more specifically, no blogworthy ideas have sprung into mind as of late. The first month after my escape I was preoccupied with a wedding album job my dad had given me, one of those "coffee table" books that we've been talking about having me do for his studio. That occupied every waking moment of my consciousness; it was a pretty big book. Meanwhile, my other freelance work picked up and I was told to come two days a week rather than the usual one. So, even though I left Star Community Publishing with the hopes of having more free time, the first few months my friends have seen little change in my availability.

Oh, one thing that has happened, I decided to treat myself to another computer. Oh, yes, if there's one thing I like doing, it's treating myself to new computers. So getting this behemoth to work properly has been the focus of my attention the last few weeks; why would I need to get a brand new computer working properly, you ask? Very good question, you attentive little readers, you. Well, I have the unfortunate tendency to buy computers just as they're releasing new operating systems, this time around it's Windows Vista. And just like any new Operating System, it's riddled with compatability and performance issues. Add to that the fact that my new video and sound cards are too new to have working drivers for them, and we have a brand new system virtually useless to me. So I've been spending weekends moving harddrives, reloading software, downloading drivers, moving more hardware, and overall trying to get this to work within my acceptable parameters. It's not quite there yet. Some call it a sickness... I call it a hobby. All for the sake of amazing graphics at a reasonable framerate.

So, I'm not going to lie to you again and say I'll be back to blog soon; I really just don't know when I'll have something worthy to enter, could be tomorrow... could be another 2 months. Right now I have to catch up on everyone else's blogs to see what I've been missing. Thank you for being patient with my lax attitude; I can only hope it will eventually get better. =)

A New Year, a (belated) New Beginning

2007-01-18T10:52:00.000-05:00

The comedian Lewis Black stated in his "Goodbye to 2006" Comedy Central Special that time is an illusion; the recording of time (minutes, days, weeks, years, etc.) is something we humans made up to keep track of things, and doesn't really exist. I've always believed this fundamental truth, all you need to do is count how many "calendars" exist in the world today. For starters, look at the dates created just for new years: there's the standard Catholic New Year, the Chinese New Year, the Jewish New Year, and I'm sure several others not commonly known. Who's to say which one is 'correct'? The answer: none of them are. They're all fabrications surrounding events in each cultures history, and have no real bearing on what goes on in physical world. Yes, technically a 'year' is the time it takes the Earth to circle around the sun, but the "New Year" could have been set at any point, and weeks and months were just convenient ways to divy up the time between now and the next time the Earth is here.
Case in point: Birthdays. Birthdays are randomly selected for you. They can happen on any day. When people ask, "How does it feel to be so-and-so?", usually at the milestone 18, 21, 30, or 50 year marks, do they really expect an answer such as, "Well, Bob, yesterday I was fine, things were going great, life was good... as SOON as 4:28pm rolled around on my 30th birthday my pancreas exploded, my left arm doesn't work anymore, and my hair hurts. Damn it feels aweful being 30, but thanks for asking." Chances are it feels EXACTLY the same as being 29. So why ask? Because human beings have this need to set time markers; hell, we created time as a measurable element, why not utilize it as such. When people ask how it feels to be 30, they're not talking physically; rather the question can be reworded "how do you feel about your life at 30? Is it where you expected to be? Have you fullfilled all the goals you set to have accomplished by 30?" Nothing physical actually happens on the day of your birthday to make it feel any different than the day before.
Another example of marking time: New Year's, more specifically New Year's resolutions. Any one of us at any time can decide to go on a diet, why wait until January 1st? Somehow it makes it all official, giving us a hard line in the sand that says, from this point ON I will eat better, exercise more, not kick puppies, etc... Plus, let's be honest, it allows us a buffer zone to splurge until then. I always found it amusing that December 31st and January 1st are just two regular days next to each other, most of the time just thrown somewhere in the middle of the week, yet everyone's mindset changes drastically from "the end of a year, out with the old" to "the beginning of a brand new year" along with the hopes and dreams that somehow this new year will be better than the last. Again, nothing actually physically changes. In fact, we don't even celebrate it at the same time on this planet, rather we take turns in 1/24th divisions as each time zone floats past the imaginary 12 midnight mark. Hell, most people have broken their New Years resolutions before the rest of the planet even gets there.
As for me, I too have a marker coming up. No, it's not New Year's, and it's not a birthday; for me, the date I eagerly await as the start of a new era and chapter in my life is January 25. If you don't already know, I've had two jobs for the past 9 years, not including all the freelance and occasional wedding work for my dad. Last year I resolved to leave my night job in an effort to get my life back, and last week my 2-weeks notice was handed in. The significance of this is simple: I was tired of using that job as an excuse for not having time for life's other duties. Whether it was not spending time with friends and family, not going food shopping, not entering a blog entry, or simply not being able to do laundry, I finally got fed up with feeling as though my entire life was rushed going from one job to another, and I was getting burnt out. Recently I refinanced my apartment and took the extra money to pay of my gigunda credit card bill, and now I can finally say I'm debt free, and no longer in need of working 65 hours a week. It feels good. But what does this all mean? Well, first off, it means I'll have alot more time during the week to see the people in my life. It means I'll be able to exercise more and hopefully control my high cholesterol and get in shape. It also means I hope to have more frequent blog entries submitted, of better quality. So you see, everybody wins! I know I haven't been the best friend/family member/blog author the past few years, if only because of my inaccessibility, but I hope to rectify that with my own belated New Years Resolution: to finally gain control of my life and enjoy as much of it as I can. Because between January 25th and 26th, something DOES change, something IS very different; I will have my life back. I hope to make the most of it; only time will tell.

The Way It Should Be

2007-01-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

People everywhere....... confetti and balloons scattered about........ tables jam-packed with food....... and a virtual Yule Log the size of a compact car.
This was the scene on New Year's Eve at my place, moving forward into the year 2007. As I looked around, I couldn't help but feel a great sense of pride, surrounding myself with so many people I'm proud to call friends. If there is one thing I can honestly say I'm good at, it's the ability to hand-pick the finest group of personalities to associate myself with. And if there's one thing I can honest say I completely suck at, it's the ability to gauge the amount of food needed to feed these personalities. I will be eating Italian hero for the rest of the month.
When hosting a party with so many people from so many places, it's hard to truly show your appreciation to everyone on an individual basis. Running around, trying to be a part of every conversation, cleaning up the odd spill, and making sure food is always available, it may sometimes seem that I'm not there at all. Since most (if not all) of my blog readership happened to be at this, my second New Year's party, I wanted to take this quick opportunity to sincerely thank everyone for coming, for contributing to the fine cuisine, and for personally making this one of the best gatherings of friends I could ever have hoped for. Despite illness, travel hardships and other obstacles, everyone managed to make it in some capacity and hopefully was able to enjoy themselves as much as my meager little home would allow. No kids were hurt, property damage was kept to a minimum and, in contrast to last year's festivities, everyone took their belongings back home with them. The Peter Gabriel concert from last time was replaced by the craptacular performance of Fergie, the more-than-a-little-uncomfortable swooning of aged rockstar Meatloaf to his teenaged-looking co-singer, and some group that seriously looked as if they just jumped onstage from the crowd and started dancing for no reason. Luckily were were all spared the 'singing' attempts by Regis this year.

A Letter to my Future Kin

2006-12-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

Dear sons/daughters/grandchildren,

I'm writing this letter to you in hopes it may retroactively avoid any hard feelings and prevent the unnecessary waste of your presumably hard-earned dollars, or whatever form of currency you crazy kids have in the future. You see, I don't know how it's like in your time, but here in 2006 (and in fact for the past several decades) it's always been reasonably acceptable for children, grandchildren and wives to buy the men in their lives cutesy little t-shirts, license plate frames, trophies and other paraphanelia regarding fatherhood, grandparenting and the like. Well, I'm going on record here and now to tell you I will never wear or otherwise display any such item, whether it be a sweatshirt proclaiming I'm the "#1 Dad" or a license plate frame ordering people to "Drive Carefully, This Is My Pop-Pop". Things like these have no place in my universe. You're my offspring, you know me, and should know better. For instance, you should know I would never wear any t-shirts or other articles of clothing that refers back to myself, especially as something that hasn't been scientifically proven as fact. Let's face it, there's a very slim chance I actually AM the #1 greatest dad living on earth to date. And if some third-party independent government-sponsored study does declare that I am, without a doubt, THE number one father figure of all time, I'd damn well better get more than a shirt for it. And honestly, any car with a bumper sticker or license plate frame that suggests I drive safer just because there's a "special person" occupying their vehicle seriously needs to be run off the road and into a very deep ditch. These 'adornments' have the same inherent flaws the old yellow "Baby Onboard" signs used to have: Nobody gives a shit. In fact, it makes people MORE nervous about driving near or around your car, increasing the chance of an accident. Then of course there's the worst-case scenario: Advertising to criminals. "Hmm.. there's a baby in that car, I'll have to take note; babies go for alot on the black market"; "Oh, there's a very special 'old lady' driving that car? Won't she make a good target for a carjacking.." I hate to put it that way, but you know there are people thinking it...
So, to sum up, my future offspring, please don't embarrass me with offerings of lame merchandise. They will most definitely end up in the very next garage sale. Don't say I didn't warn you. Love ya!

Religion in the news

2006-12-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

Post 1:
Dateline November 20, 2006: Churchgoers were stunned today when it was learned that Reverend Thomas G. Saloy of the Queen of the Most Holy Rosary Church in Roosevelt, Long Island was arrested on federal child pornography charges. Though taken completely by surprise by these allegations and saddened by the downfall of their Reverend, most parishioners were glad to see the issue would not be ignored or quietly slip through the cracks. However, in a vain attempt to explain how a man of such religious composition falls victim to such sinful behavior, One man had this to say, "We're just shocked, I guess we're all humans and he's in a position of trust as a priest." Another woman was quoted as saying "Maybe in this day and age with the Internet and all of the sex that's out there people can't help themselves, it's human nature."

Excuse me for a second, since when is it 'human nature' to want to masturbate to images of children having sex? Last time I checked, not only was it morally reprehensible but it is, in fact, a federal crime and as such, very illegal; Yes, generically speaking, having sex is a basic primal human instinct, but to use it in defense of a sex crime is as abhorrent as saying, "We're shocked that O.J. brutally slaughtered his wife and her friend, but hey, he was just jealous, he's only human...."
The old "With the internet..people can't help themselves" excuse is a pile of horsecrap, as is the "I guess we're all humans" argument. First off, anyone who thinks of priests, ministers, clerics, rabbis, etc. as anything other than human should just go and try walking on water over a shark tank. And so can the masses that believe people aren't to blame because of the availability of illegal goods. It's called free-will, people. You CAN choose not to download illegal child-porn... Then again, free-will isn't exactly what the Catholic Church has ever promoted, is it?

Post 2:
Kudos go out to Rocker Sir Elton John for chastising the Catholic Church and, more specifically, organized religion in an magazine interview last month. Says John, ""I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people," adding that he "would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings." While I personally don't really know how much religion has really fueled the fire for homophobia, it is very apparent that the Catholic Church has their priorities totally screwed up. If you're going to worry about homosexuals, how about focusing on the ones committing crimes, like, oh say, fondling little boys....

Oh, snap.

Tivo, you have failed me for the last time...

2006-10-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

I'm going through withdrawal. Seriously, I have the shakes. I had a long day at work, and an even longer night at work; the only thing keeping me going all day was the knowledge that soon I would be watching a new "Lost" episode. I even had my friend Michelle come over to see it, since she was at a rehearsal and couldn't see it live. We were all ready, got our drinks and settled in our respective couch positions.
"Oh wise and all-powerful Tivo, give us our weekly fix of the most addictive television show in all of history!"
Blip...
Blip...
Blip...
Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...Blip...BONK!

WHAT THE?!?! It didn't record??? Aw HELL no... It recorded LAST week! What the (insert long string of very naughty expletives here)

Well, it turns out after all the hailing and preaching about the Tivo and it's many wondrous features I've done, and praising it as the world's single greatest invention of all time, I neglected to learn it's single most important yet simplest of features: Prioritizing. Seems I had a programming conflict, and not inherently knowing my psychotic raging addiction to "Lost", my naive little machine defaulted to the first show on the list: Mythbusters. Now I like Mythbusters, don't get me wrong, but they replay those damn episodes 38 times a week, and "Lost" gets played... yup, ONCE! The only thing that saved my ass from being hurled through my television by Michelle was the fact that the website, as well as iTunes, will have the episode online tomorrow, albeit in tiny computer-window mode as opposed to glorious 67" widescreen. But much like a crackhead struggling to light the tiny last bits of ashes in his crackpipe, we'll take whatever we can get until next week.

As far as Tivo's concerned, "Lost" got bumped to the highest priority possible, and several Season Passes were deleted entirely just to make sure there are no future conflicts. Michelle will not be so forgiving next time.

Paul the Photographer

2006-10-09T15:47:00.000-04:00

"Hey Paul!" you may be thinking to yourself. "What the hell's with the new banner ad on the side of your blog? Did you finally sell out and accept advertising for crappy companies in the hopes of making a few cents a year?"

Why no, actually.... but thank you for bringing it up.

You see, I found this great website. Actually, a co-worker found it and spread the news to all the artists of my company. It's a stock photography website you can search through for keywords and download images for a small fee, and.....

"But Paul, what the frig's so special about that?? Don't you realize there are thousands of sites that do the same thing? What the HELL man??"

(whistles..)
Are you done interrupting? If so, I can explain. You see, this particular Stock Photography site is member supplied; Meaning when you sign up, not only can you purchase and download images to use, but you can also upload your own photography and, pending approval, have people purchase your images while you make a commission. So, I've decided to become a member and start uploading pics, and the first few have just been approved! The banner ad links up to my currently uploaded pics for purchase, while the link in the "useful sites" section of my margin links to an area to become a member, while giving me a finder's commission for anyone who signs up!

In all honesty, there's a great selection of images available for anyone who uses stock photography, and much cheaper than sites like Eyewire or Photodisc. I encourage you to check it out, if for nothing else, to see my photographs! And don't forget to check back in every so often to see more uploaded imagery.

You'll Thank Me Some Day

2006-09-20T16:10:00.000-04:00

I try to be organized. I really do. I have this inate need to have everything categorized, labeled, and easily searchable. Which is why I love things like my iPod: All my music, right there, no swapping CDs or tapes. I want a song, BAM! I'm listening to it within seconds. Or why I finally settled on Canon's ImageBrowser software to organize all my digital images. I want a picture, I know exactly where it is. So I didn't think anything of it when I decided to print and archive all the blog entries and comments from the Coffee Crew Blog, Steve's Thymenage Blog, Toni's "Much Ado" site and the Encyclopedia Giachettica collection. In my mind, it was totally rational: A hardcopy backup of some of the best darned writing this side of the world wide web. I figured it served two purposes: One, is gives me a nice (albeit gigunda-sized) book to be able to pull out weeks, months, or even years later to reminisce over with my friends; and two: it's a physical backup in case something catastrophic happens, such as Blogger going out of business or terrorists blowing up the internet. I never liked the idea of all these masterpieces of literary genius (or even this blog) residing solely in cyberspace; it just made me nervous. So two trips to Office Max and $80 later, I now have a hardcopy backup of everything up to August. It was a just and noble cause. Until Toni questioned why the hell I would ever go through such lengths, and noted I was the only person she knew who would go BACKWARDS in technology and print a hardcopy of an online archive.

Sigh...

Some people just don't understand.

All I can say to that statement is this: What about people who use their fancy $200 cell phones to TYPE messages back and forth? Tell me THAT'S not pushing technology back! So there.

Now Steve, my blogging mentor, would probably love the fact that I'm into the blogs so much that I'd take the time to lovingly collect all the works into a single binder. But I would be remiss if I didn't point out the single flaw which would probably prevent him from trying the same thing: Anybody's comments posted after archiving are not included in the hardcopy, and that's enough to give Steve the shakes at night. I, however, am willing to risk it.

Mourning: 101

2006-09-18T15:23:00.000-04:00

I need something explained to me. Maybe I'm missing the point, maybe I'm just a cold-hearted bastard, but occasionally while driving on the highways and parkways of Long Island I'll come across a makeshift memorial on the side of the road, flowers and signs and whatnot, honoring someone who presumably lost their life in an accident at that very site; and I have to tell you... I don't get it. Is it just a Long Island thing, or do people across the country feel the need to make public highways they're own little shrine to the deceased? Honestly, I'm really not that calloused, and no, I've never lost anyone in a horrible car accident so I have no right telling people how to mourn, but I just don't see the point. To me, it just seems, I don't know, trashy, like people can't be bothered with actually making a trip to the cemetary. With the obvious exception of tragedies like 9/11 we don't do that for anything else; my grandmother passed away in an assisted living home, I don't go to the room where she stayed and leave flowers every year, I go to her grave, that's what it's for: to honor and remember loved ones. Why do people feel the need to show everyone on their way to work that someone died at exit marker 3515 on the L.I.E.? One may argue that we need little reminders like this in our lives to remember our own loved ones and even our own mortality, and that may be fine for others, but I'll be just fine without the sidewalk shrine.
So having said all that, I'm officially going on the record to all my friends and family: If God-forbid I perish in a car accident on the side of the road, do NOT waste your time and money decorating the site with flowers and hand-written notes and signs; if you do I will haunt you for the rest of your life.
You've been warned.

Say, "Cheese"

2006-08-17T10:06:00.000-04:00

Every so often I'll discover something new about myself, whether it be a quirk, personality trait, or some other thing that up until now has remained undefined. Recently I've come to the conclusion that I seem to have an affinity for "cheese"; no, not the dairy product, in fact despite my Italian heritage I tend to avoid that particular section of the food pyramid; I'm talking the other kind, the "so bad it's good" variety. I'm not sure when this affliction began, but the most obvious place to start would be around the 80s, when "cheese" was basically the rule, however ignorant we might have been to the fact. These days I am a huge 80's music junkie, particularly the "one hit wonders" and, even moreso, the rap music of the era. People, this IS the musical embodiment of cheese. Witness: "The rhymes I say are sharp as a nail, witty as can be and not for sale, always funky fresh could never be stale, took a test to become an M.C. and didn't fail." * I challenge anyone to find lyrics as awesomely bad as these from the last 20 years.
But my fondness for cheese didn't end there, oh no. In fact, it mutated. Fast forward several years, I find myself listening to things like Metallica, music I had shunned in my earlier years. Why was this, I asked myself? Turns out that not only do I enjoy cheesy things, but also things that are just plain over the top and ridiculous to the point of hilarity, such as the insane speed and intensity of "Master of Puppets".

So where does that leave me today? Well, In terms of music, Marilyn Manson sits side by side with Weird Al Yankovich in my library, as does Rage Against the Machine and the Monkees. Movies like Doom, Resident Evil, Ultraviolet and Sound of Thunder were purchased (never having been seen in the theatres) knowing full well how God-awful they would turn out to be. I recently dove into the new Doctor Who series, not because of any good acting, dialog or special effects, but because Doctor Who is the very essence of over the top corniness. I purchased the 10-disc collectors edition box set of the Matrix Trilogy, again not necessarily because I thought all the movies were great, but: A) because they were so insanely crammed with special effects, features and bonuses, that an effects buff like me couldn't resist; B) It came in a really cool clear cube disc holder, satisfying my hunger for cool packaging and presentation, and most importantly C) It included an obscenely ugly bust of Neo to be displayed in the case, which is so incredibly bad it's awesome! And it doesn't stop there. Nothing quite screams "painfully outdated" better than the old Atari 2600 games, which I had to buy just to remind myself how perfectly awful videogames used to be, compared to today. I also became temporarily obsessed with the game Dance Dance Revolution (having played only once) and found two professional-grade regulation size DDR Pads on Ebay just to be able to play at home. And if that wasn't corny enough, I then obtained a copy of Nintendo's DDR Mario Mix, enabling me to 'dance' along to classic Mario Bros. music! Oh yeah...don't TELL me you're not jealous!
Most recently I found a website that prompted me to write this piece on cheesiness; it's hysterically funny without ever meaning to be. It's called freekaraoke.com, and allows you to download quicktime movies that you can sing along to karaoke-style. What makes it funny, however, is the 80's sounding Casio keyboard versions of all the songs, including the afore-mentioned Master of Puppets. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard listening to music before. It truly is the epitome of Cheesy Goodness. Check it out.

(* Run DMC - Rock Box)

Random Observation of the Day...

2006-06-22T16:12:00.000-04:00

Today I realized: It's virtually impossible to hold a banana in your hand in an elevator full of women.

You just can't do it. Any way you try, it just feels...wrong. Now I'm pretty fidgety with my hands to begin with, but slap a banana in there and push me into an elevator with 3 or 4 women, and I have no idea what to do with them. Probably just my overactive imagination, but it just isn't the most comfortable situation.

Sorry, that's all I got for now.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 2

2006-05-19T11:11:00.000-04:00

Where was I? Oh yeah, Jack Thompson's an ass.

To me, the idiocy of using religion to promote government action on violent and obscene media is eclipsed only by the outright hypocrisy of it, without even getting into the whole "Separation of Church and State" debate. But before we get into that, let's take a look at the issues being fought.
According to Mr. Thompson, violent video games are "simulators" for destructive behaviors, and argues that in every instance of school shootings, the kids involved are found to be video gamers, therefore it must be the games driving them to this behavior. Wow.... there's a thought, kid's playing video games! Who'd have thought? Using this kind of ass-backwards asinine logic is like saying "We interviewed 10 crackheads, and found that, astonishingly, ALL ten were jobless! Therefore, EVERY jobless person you see on the street must be a crackhead. Or here's a simpler example... what if they did a rigorous study and found that every single kid involved in school shootings happened to really like roast beef sandwiches... would you then tell me that roast beef sandwiches drive people to kill?? That's a perfect parallel to what they're trying to tell us about video games. Perhaps Mr. Thompson forgot to ask the other 99.9% of the school population if THEY played video games, afraid he might find that, perhaps, a whopping majority of them ALSO engage in this carnal activity, without ever having the urge to blow away their classmates. How about reporting on the fact that, out of all these shootings most, if not all, of these shooters were considered "outcasts" by their peers, who were never accepted by the popular circles and usually came from broken homes or abusive parents? Why not? Because it's much harder to sue the jocks and socialites, or the parents and guardians, than a big game company. And you won't get as much media coverage. Jack Thompson is a D-level politician fighting trivial battles because he doesn't have the talent, clout, or intelligence to take on the bigger issues. He's like the big stupid bully that picks on the weaker nerds because he knows he can win, only to be laughed at and mocked when the nerd outsmarts him. How about fighting for better education? How about fighting for better family counseling? Or... oh my God, dare I say it?? How about fighting for better FUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS!! How exactly is it fair and just to sue a game company for putting out a game (which is fictional entertainment) because some unstable lunatic can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, but it's wrong and unconstitutional to sue A) The gun company for producing a product whose SOLE purpose is to kill, and/or B) the lazy-ass father who can't keep his "hunting" guns out of the hands of his kids? It only makes sense in the narrow-minded head of a religious fanatic. Without going too far off course, let me give you a little glimpse into the mind of a religiously-run entity: The website Christ-Centered Game Reviews is a site dedicated to rating games of all kinds based on their moral standings. Here's how they rated the "appropriateness" of the content in my favorite current game, Oblivion:

Violence: -4
Swearing: -5
Blaspheming: -5
Sexual references: -4
Magic use: -5
Prejudice against other races: -1.5
Characters sleeping in their underwear:-3.5

So, to compare: Blaspheming, Swearing and Magic use gets a -5, but Violence gets a -4, and Prejudice gets a -1.5! It great to see their priorities are straight. Lets also keep in mind that 1) It's a Medieval fantasy roleplaying game, so of COURSE there's going to be some sort of violence; 2) The swearing they're referring to is made up of mostly fictional words created for the gameworld, and doesn't even begin to compare with games such as GTA or even some WWII shooters I've played; 3) The blaspheming they allude to refers to the nine in-game gods that characters worship, and not the Catholic Church's one and only God; and 4) Characters sleeping in their underwear??? Is there really a whole category just for this?? Give me a freaking break. Besides, it's not underwear as in frilly lingerie, it's like a permanent loincloth, used only when the characters aren't wearing any armor... which I would imagine is hard to sleep in. Idiots.

So the question remains: If not video games, what should these people really focus their efforts on? What is the real threat to the moral fiber of this great country...neigh, this great WORLD? Well, if these delusional fanatics and politicians were rational sorts, I would suggest things that, oh, I don't know, actually MATTERED, like the aforementioned real causes for teenage violence - the need for better education, better parental guidance, better counseling, maybe creating afterschool programs to help promote social skills; as well as the obvious things like better gun control or harder punishments for individuals responsible for putting guns in the hands of teens. Then of course there are other equally important issues with today's society, such as poverty, hunger, healthcare, etc., areas in which a real man with conviction can do some real good, things that people like Thompson wouldn't know the first thing about.
Having said that, however, I realize that these are NOT rational people, who base their actions on rational thought, and therefore we must try to think on their level to come up with a viable solution for them to support. Stay with me people, I know it's tough. (Please note the numbers used for this comparison are the most accurate I could find on the internet and may not represent exact figures, so don't sue me if I'm wrong!) I put forth the following argument: Let's assume we go strictly with the "games simulate violence and cause deaths" argument. There have been around 12 instances that I could find on the internet of deaths relating to video games, and most of them to the player him/herself due to stresses brought on by excessive playing, not behavioral modification. OK, let's round that up to 15, just to be fair. 15 deaths, in the world, EVER. NOW:

Â• According to ESPN.com, football attributed to 15 deaths in America in 2002 alone, that number having gone down from 23 the previous year. That's just players, and doesn't include the anti-social behavior it causes in fans, such as beer-chugging face-painted maniacs, violence erupting in stadiums, betting and gambling, football dads pummeling coaches and rivals' dads, etc. According to this data, it's clear football needs to be eradicated from society if we are to survive as a civilized world. Hell, wipe out ALL the major sports, better safe than sorry.

Â• According to wrongdiagnosis.com, around 98,000 people die in America each year by the actions (or inactions) of doctors. Surely a man who's 650,000 times more likely to kill you than the dreaded video game is a force to be reckoned with. Line 'em up, I say, I don't care how much good they've done, doctors are clearly a major threat.

Â• According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), 16.5 out of every 100,000 people in the U.S. were killed in an automobile accidents in 1996. That's in ONE year, PER 100,000 people, in ONE country. Obviously automobiles are also a menace, and car companies should immediately halt production.

Â• According to the CDC, approximately 438,000 people die prematurely each year due to smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke. Again, that's each year, in the United States alone. Why this malevolent behavior is still allowed to this day is beyond me.

And my personal favorite:
Â• According to historians, RELIGION accounts for several BILLION deaths throughout the world's history. This includes, but is not limited to: The Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, The Massacre of St. Bartholomew, The Thirty Years War, Nazism, Islamic Jihads, various civil wars based on religious differences throughout the world, and general religious intolerance/fanaticism. Christianity alone makes up a huge percentage of these conflicts.

So, it seems that Mr. Thompson's platform to eliminate violent and malevolent practices turns out to be a much bigger CAUSE of it than any of the issues he fights. Which is no surprise when you think about it; If one man can fight so feverishly for such an insignificant cause in the name of religion, think of what a few, or many, or a nation, would do.

And people wonder why kids play video games to escape reality.

Hitler Never Played Video Games - Part 1

2006-05-12T13:38:00.000-04:00

(This blog entry eventually grew too big to be absorbed in one sitting, so it was necessary to break it up into parts, sorry for any inconvenience)

This entry was prompted by a recent news article about Jack Thompson, notorious lawyer and part-time politician known for his unwavering, if misguided, battle against "harmful influences" to minors, including movies and video games. The article stated that Mr. Thompson posted an open letter to Bono, headman of the band U2 and possible buyer of the software publisher Take Two. For those that don't know, Take Two is responsible for publishing such games as, you guessed it, Grand Theft Auto, a title repeatedly heralded as the single largest contributor to anti-social behavior in young adults.
Here is a portion of the letter:

"Dear Bono:
I write you as a fellow brother in Jesus Christ, appreciative of your bold witness to the transforming truth of the Gospel, in both your words and your deeds. You daily "fight the good fight," serving Him as salt and as light in an unbelieving world. You inspire other Christians to confront the "culture of death" that surrounds us all, and I thank you. Because of what you do, it is easier for me to do what I have been called to do.

I write to encourage you, respectfully and in a spirit of brotherly love, not to purchase Take-Two Interactive Software, Inc. . . .

Bono, whom are you going to believe as you make a decision whether to buy Take-Two? Are you going to believe the liars who got caught lying, or are you going to believe a fellow believer in Christ who has been targeted for actual harm by Take-Two and its dissembling Philadelphia lawyers at Blank Rome? . . .

I am trying to keep you, dear brother, from being run over by a careening bus. I do this to help you. A brother in Christ has now warned you. Now, do the right thing, in His powerful name I pray.

In Jesus Christ, Jack Thompson"

I'm writing this blog basically for two reasons: One - as a reputed video gamer myself I feel the need to defend my hobby and the companies that support my hobby; and Two - To convey my strong distaste for Mr. Thompson's methods and tactics in trying to convince people to see his viewpoint.

Now, I am neither a politically active person nor a religiously active person; in fact, this one example pretty much exemplifies WHY I am neither. This one man embodies the very worst of BOTH entities, the double-standards and hypocrisy of a slimy underhanded corrupt politician/lawyer, and the fanatical Bible-thumping brainwashings of a religious zealot. The fact that this man is still around spewing his absurd accusations after years and years of being humiliated in the public eye is surprising to me. Need a sampling of his purported crusade against indecency? Go to www.wikipedia.com and type Jack Thompson. Enough said.

So what exactly does he have against video games? Well, besides a majority of them containing indecent and violent content (content which, mind you, is equally prevalent in today's movies, tv shows, commercials, music, news reports, magazine ads, etc.) It turns out video games kill. Oh yes, according to Mr Thompson, video games are linked to several deaths across the globe, and therefore must be eradicated from the face of the earth. These deaths occurred either by violent or antisocial behavior being mimicked in real life by players of a game, or directly to the player by suicidal tendencies inflicted by stress over a game, or by physical stress of prolonged gameplay in excess of several hours.

To put it simply, there are those that feel that video games are greatly contributing to the moral decline of today's society, and must be censored, regulated, or altogether removed from store shelves. This of course goes against every anti-censorship movement's belief that the government should mind it's own business when it comes to the media we enjoy. But even beyond that, its such a ridiculous accusation to say that a game is responsible for a person's actions, just as it's preposterous to blame a movie for a crime committed while imitating a scene. The bottom line is this: These people are unstable to begin with, and are just as prone to commit a crime after watching an episode of "The Simpsons" as anything else. The fact that these things are linked to video games, a typically shunned activity in the grown-up responsible circles of society, is as factitious as blaming Ozzy Osbourne for a fan's suicide back in the 80s. Removing the catalyst will not necessarily remove the danger; the person will simply find some other outlet for his malevolent ways. And of course, the reverse is also true... There have been plenty of psycho-bastard characters from our history doing naughty things well before any of Mr. Thompson's suspects ever hit the streets: admittedly I'm not up on my history facts, but I'm pretty darned sure Hitler never played video games, Genghis Khan never listened to gangsta rap, and Vlad the Impaler never saw a Quentin Tarrantino movie.
And would you look at that.... these people are more horrendous and evil than anything you'll ever see in today's age... so what does THAT tell you?

Part two will discuss the sheer stupidity of a campaign against video games, and asks the question, "What is the REAL threat??" Stay tuned.

Name your child responsibly....

2006-04-21T15:26:00.000-04:00

I read a sign a while back (again with the signs) for a fundraiser for a child with a certain kind of affliction, to be honest I didn't even read the whole thing, I just remember the name of the event: "Nickels for Nicky"; asking people to donate their nickels to this charity. Now I'm all for catchy names and such, but being the cynical person I am, naturally the first thing that went through my mind wasn't "Aw, how nice that someone wants to do something for this child", but rather, "Gee it kinda sucks that this poor kid's name is Nicky, and not maybe Danny, he coulda made TWICE as much money!" Hell, he could've even raked in the bucks with the "Dollars for Danny"campaign. Even a Kenny could have fared five-times better than poor Nicky! And although it doesn't quite roll off the tongue like its brethren, the "Half-Dollars for Hailey" drive could make up in value what it lacks in participation. Of course, any higher than that and you run the risk of ostracizing the very people who want to help. However well the the "Fivers for Freddy" or "Tens for Timmy" fundraisers may do, few people would be able, or willing, to attend the "Benjamins for Billy" or "C-Notes for Sammy" events.

Naturally things could always be worse..... personally I'm hoping I never need a charity event to pay for my costs... I could very well be screwed.

"Well, Paul, the good news is that 8, 642 people attended the charity event for your new spleen... the bad news is, it won't even cover the gas to get to the hospital..."

This is how my mind works people. Love it or leave it. =)

Everybody still with me?

2006-04-18T15:26:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to pop in to the Blogs to say that yes, I'm still alive, and to apologize for not having anything up on the blogs for quite some time. I can't even use Steve's favorite excuse "I was just so busy" because honestly, I had a whole week off, and just couldn't get myself up here to put anything down. Things have been blah, spirits have been lower than usual, maybe it's the change of season that gets people in a funk, maybe it's the slight changes in my life that I'm not sure how to deal with, maybe it's that money has been exceedingly tight this month, which never has a good impact on my disposition. But I'm hopeful it'll all pass. In the meantime, thanks for continuously checking in, I promise to have some goodies up for you soon.

I Need a New Travel Agency

2006-03-14T11:13:00.000-05:00

Next week I'm taking vacation time. I've already informed both my jobs, put in the required forms, and wrapped up all the loose ends. I'm ready for my week off. I'm ready to explore the countryside, visit exotic locales, meet fascinating new people, and embark on fantastic journeys. The place I've chosen to visit on my vacation in Cyrodiil, the Imperial Provence of Tamriel. There's only one slight problem: It doesn't exist.

Well, not in the real world, anyway... you see, I've taken time off to play a computer game. "The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" hits store shelves on March 21st, and I plan on being there first thing. Now before you scrunch your collective eyebrows and judge me, let me explain myself.
This is my hobby. This is what I do in my spare time. Some people go fishing, some people travel, some people play sports. I like to marvel at wonderful 3D graphics, pit myself against cunning AI enemies, and team up with friends to outwit the opposition. Yes, today's society views computer gaming somewhere between D&D gaming and being a trekkie, especially at my age, but the truth is, I enjoy it. Sure, I'd love to travel the world, meet 'actual' fascinating people, and go off on real-life adventures, but that costs considerably more money than my $50 game. $50, mind you, that gives me an average of 20-30 hours of enjoyment, compared to say, a movie which is $10 for +/- 2 hours of questionable enjoyment.

So, yes, I took off to play a computer game. Why a whole week?? Why not just a day or two? Well, simply put, this is a very unique game. It's the sequel to Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, which in my book is one of the all-time greatest RPG's of all time. It's completely open-ended, which means that you have total freedom to go exploring throughout the world without being restricted by a linear storyline. I've been anticipating this game since it's announcement back in 2004, and once I have it, I know myself well enough to know that I'd be way too preoccupied to actually get any work done, and the hour or so I'd manage to squeeze in after work every night would only serve to frustrate me. So when you think about it, I'm actually being a RESPONSIBLE adult by taking off! At least, that's how I'M rationalizing it.

Besides, I do plan on doing other things during my time off… I plan on getting through a ton of DVD's that I have yet to watch, like the Matrix Trilogy with it's 10 discs of bonus materials, and possibly start my first season of Oz which I've had since Christmas. I'd also like to throw some things up on eBay, to contribute to my "Get Paul Out Of Debt" fund. And if I'm lucky, I might even get a blog or two written and posted. So, you see, it's not all fun and games.

Mostly, yes, but not all.

WHO? WHO Speaks Spanish?!?

2006-02-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

Hi there.... it's good to be back...

So, I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard a commercial that just got me shaking my head. It wasn't the whole commercial, just one line, one sentence, and it was in spanish. Let me preface this:

I'm not known for my tolerance for ultra-PC thinking. That doesn't mean that I'm a racially slurring, gay-bashing, handicapped-hating, sexually harassing asshole; I'm all for the equality of everyone, I just despise when the 'equality" is taken too far, or to places where it's just not necessary. The Braille instructions on the bank drive-thru instantly comes to mind. Another is the 500 page manual that came with my stereo, of which 20 are actually in english, the rest in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Chinese, Japanese, Portuguese, Lebanese, Ancient Egyptian, Klingon, and Latin. But, whatever, I've learned to deal. But then I heard this commercial and I had to laugh. I honestly don't know what it was for, since I don't pay attention to commercials all that much, I think it may have been for a construction company or plumber. So let's just say for the sake of argument it was for a plumber. The announcer went through his shtick, "We unclog drains, fix bathtubs, emergency 24 hour service," etc. etc. Then he says, "Se habla espanol", meaning, obviously, "we speak Spanish". Which would have been somewhat acceptable had I been watching a TV commercial - visually seeing a man doing plumbing stuff, or even a newspaper ad - with some nifty little plumber clipart, you know, SOMETHING to let me know what the advert was about without knowing the language. But this was a RADIO COMMERCIAL. So, in essence, a spanish-speaking person was driving through town listening to the radio, and a commercial comes on: "BLAH BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, We speak spanish, BLAH BLAH." What the?!? I can just see the bewildered look on this anonymous person's face, as he tries to decipher who exactly speaks spanish and whether or not he requires their services... Totally wasted three seconds of airtime, if you ask me.

Still not convinced? Try it: You're driving through some country, know little to nothing of the language, and your car breaks down. while trying to start it up again, a commercial comes on, " Veristi mauble dudoni co pilgrehanda em tutonici ferol plistic. Garblo fecitan tualtin feistu. We speak english. Corbunico flees! Fee Shindo Shindo, hoder vevin, shindo cond."
Yes, the fact that the towtruck driver (who's commercial you just heard) speaks english really helps out here.

The doors have swung open!

2006-01-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

OK, I've since opened up the blog for comment from anyone, regardless of whether they're a member of Blogger or not. Personally I don't like forcing people to join things just to participate in something I'm doing, but sometimes it's important to keep the riff-raff out. But I'm now inviting everyone, even the riff-raff in, with the knowledge that I can snuff them out on a whim if necessary. It's my own little geeky high-tech version of a power trip... bear with me. =)

New and Improved Fun Blog!

2006-01-03T14:16:00.000-05:00

Taking a cue from Toni, I have now added a section on the side of interesting and/or fun little websites that I have come across in my travels on the information superhighway. Feel free to check in periodically to take a gander!

As an added bonus, let me share with you the funniest thing I recieved in e-mail in 2005:

The first case of Bird Flu in Florida......

Trash knows no color

2006-01-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

This post may change some readers opinion of me, however I feel it necessary to post. I tried to write with the most open-minded intentions possible, but sometimes people annoy me to the brink of irrational thought.
I have a confession. Yesterday I was rendered temporarily racist. I'm not happy about it, in fact I'm ashamed, but it was a fleeting moment and does not represent my general feeling towards people of other races. Here's the story: Toni and I went to the movies. To see "Chronicles of Nardia" in fact. Yes it was meant to be a kid's film, and yes there was a high chance there would be kids there, but we went anyway. Everybody knows the old cliche gripe about why people bring their kids to the movies, but this particular example needs describing to explain my apology. OK, a couple and their three kids were right behind us, a toddler and 2 kids around four or five. Throughout the movie: The toddler proceeded to blurt out baby talk periodically; the 2 older kids had complete discussions about the action on the screen; food wrappings were being wrustled throughout the film; somehow soda was splashed on me not once, but twice; and the parents did nothing to prevent any of this. And they were black. This final note needs pointing out only because on our way out of the theatre, as Toni and I were discussing the inconsideration of bringing toddlers to movies, I said to her, "I'm sorry, this is going to sound racist, but for God's sake, get a job and hire a babysitter..." Yeah, incredibly un-PC of me, for sure. I'm not sure why I felt the need to tag it as a racial statement, as it could have just as easily been a white couple with their rowdy little kids behind us, but for some reason for that split second I rationalized that a white couple would have just been plain inconsiderate (however employed) as opposed to the black family. And I apologize for that.
But this incident made me think about a few things. First, I don't discriminate against race, I discriminate against assholes. Specifically assholes that lower my quality of life. Whether it be someone who harasses me in a parking lot, someone who runs a red light and almost hurts or kills a member of my family or a friend (or myself for that matter), or someone who brings a crying child to a movie. Color is definitely not a factor in this. A real racist may argue that most blacks or Puerto Ricans or Jamaicans or whatever fall under this category.... but I don't buy it. I've met plenty of decent hardworking respectable ethnic people, and have run into PLENTY of white scum in my time, mostly in the form of "White Trash". And then I started thinking about this term: White trash.
The label "white trash" is almost racial in itself, but not in the way you might think. Think about it: if you listen to other people tell stories about their encounters with problematic people, they always feel the need to label them. "This black guy harassed me for change", "This Hispanic woman hit my car..." This white-trash couple stole silverware from the restaurant..." AHA! back up... Why not just "this white couple..."? Why do we have to specify that THEY are trashy, but it seems to be automatically assumed in the other cases. This, my friends, seems very racist to me. I'm sure many of us are guilty of this too, it's just the way society seems to have dictated our way of communicating. But it doesn't make it right. Therefore I am vowing to try to avoid describing people less by their ethnic background (except where in pertains to the story) and more by their tendency to piss me off. "That Jerk... That Asshole...... That Trash......." What color was he?? It just doesn't matter.

Master of the shadows

2006-01-02T22:31:00.000-05:00

This started off as a comment on Steve's Blog entry "Why "Hide and Go Seek" is Ultimately a Crappy Game" but decided it was too long and would make a better entry on my own blog. I suggest reading http://thymenage.blogspot.com/2005/12/why-hide-and-go-seek-is-ultimately.html as a prerequisite to understanding this post, as it's too much trouble trying to retrofit this comment to stand on it's own.

Once again Steve, you and I share similar stories. I have actually endured BOTH sides of your hide and seek experiences. First, when we played hide and seek in our basement, we had even fewer choices than you... we had about four halfway decent hiding spots.... and one really really good one. Naturally before finding this spot games lasted no more than a minute or two, as the finder casually walked through the basement jabbing a stick into the darkened areas or punching the unusually large kid-shaped pile of clothes on the floor, a pile that wasn't there 10 minutes ago. But I always prided myself at being a master of the shadows, and one time found this perfect spot, one no one dared look in, for it was certain no one would be hiding there... on top of the oil tank behind the pipes. You see, we played in the dark, increasing the average game from 10-15 seconds to 1-2 minutes. Spying this primo spot, I concluded that if I lay on top of the tank, pressed up against the wall and remained motionless, I would never be seen unless someone actually climbed up to look. What made it great was the fact that the pipes made it look like no one could even fit back there; however a scrawny little master hider like myself could, and did. Thus enters point number 2 of your blog..... the long boring wait to be found. I must have been up there nearly a half hour at least before the seeker went away, allowing me to escape without giving away my position. I think I must have used that spot four or five times before I either got found, or got so sick of waiting to be found I just jumped up and yelled "ALRIGHT, I'M HERE ALREADY!" I don't remember which it was.
But as we got a little older, we had a new game to play. This new game was the epitome of survivalism. It was Ringalerio, and it was Uber-Hide and Seek, on a grand level. The playing field: The entire block. Every backyard, every bush, every deck crawlspace, no rules except one: It had to be on the block. It was riddled with dangers: chain link fences, barking dogs, irate homeowners, you name it. And I was the master. This was around the time the Rambo movies were coming out, and I fancied myself the ex-marine on the run from authorities. Nobody found me. And I waited. A long time. But the giddy feeling I felt knowing I bested my enemies more than made up for the hours spent in thorn bushes, buried in leaves and crunched under decks.

Blogging in the New Year

2006-01-02T11:33:00.000-05:00

Hello my faithful and resilient readers! Thank you all for patiently awaiting my return from Blog-hiatus; I know I have been negligent in my writing duties, but on top of the usual "Holidays are crazy" business, the truth is: nothing much has been going on, at least nothing blog-worthy. However, I did want to drop in and say that I'm still very much alive, and will hopefully be blogging in full force in the upcoming weeks.
I also wanted to give a big thanks to my closest friends that made my first New Years bash a fun and festive event. Not all of my good friends could make it unfortunately, but our thoughts were with them nonetheless. Thanks to Linda, Tim, Rich & Jill & the kids Emily and Josh, Michelle, Toni, Liz & son Alex, Steve, Sue and Joe for choosing to spend their New Years with me. Special honorary mention goes out to Steve's wife Sue, who sacrificed her night to watch the kiddies so that Steve may join us. Despite having three kids in my incredibly un-kid-friendly apartment, injuries were minimal, structural damage was much less than anticipated and noise levels were.... well, OK, it was damned noisy. But having learned from previous New Years parties that it is wise to hold back on the noisemakers until the last minute when kids are involved, we were able to avoid having the neighbors call the police. The new 67" TV accommodated everyone well, although Regis's huge-honkin head is even scarier in wide screen, especially when attempting to sing. Almost everyone managed to leave something at my place interestingly enough, regardless of their state of intoxication. Sadly, undergarments were not among the items left behind. And if there's one thing we all learned that night, one thing that we could take home with us, it was the knowledge that Peter Gabriel has finally gone of the deep end.
One last note: The Paulanoma blog now has a confirmed 8 total readership, with an estimated 10! These numbers are indeed staggering, and increasing every year! I hope to hit a cool dozen by the end of the decade. Until then, keep warm, keep cool, and have a very wondrous and exciting new year!

(Addendum: Does anyone else find it ironic that the Spellcheck on a BLOG-specific website does not recognize the word 'blog'??)

It Blows to Suck

2005-11-17T13:15:00.000-05:00

Pumping gas the other day, I noticed that my tires looked a little low, and decided to go to the air pump to fill them up. Nowadays it costs 50¢ for air... you know, the stuff that's all around us for free. I remember when air was free, back when free air was a service of the gas station. Now free air is 50¢. But that's not what this gripe is about, I've come to terms with paying for my air a long time ago. No no, what shocked me was when I turned around and decided my mats were dirty, and maybe I should vacuum them. I typically don't use the gas station vacuums, because you have to pay for that too, but it IS my new car, and my friends Sue and Joe are coming down from Michigan for Thanksgiving, so I wanted the car to look somewhat presentable, and not having the time to run extension cords down my stairs to plug in the vacuum at home, I decided what the hell. Figuring it couldn't be more than the air pump, I took out another two quarters, only to look up at the sign that said "$1.50". Not wanting to make a scene, I casually shook my head and went on my merry way, dirty mats and all.

Dissecting the fundamental logic of this scenario, I'm at a loss to explain how it could be more money to vacuum than to pump air. Breaking it down into simpler terms, it's 50¢ to blow air, $1.50 to suck air. Or in a different but equally accurate term, it costs me half a buck to give me air that's ALREADY free, but it's a dollar more to suck it away from me!

Now one may argue that there are different variables involved in each machine. OK, let's go over them: One blows air, one sucks air. Assuming the pressure is equal, it doesn't cost any more money to run a fan one way versus the other. But it's not equal, is it? There's no way it takes less pressure to push air into a tire at 40 psi then it takes to suck up some dirt particles. Hence the reason the pump uses an air compressor, which if you've ever been to Home Depot, is alot more money than a vacuum. So that's out.

Supply and demand? Every one of us with a car has had to use the air pump at one time or another, but honestly, how many people really use the gas station vacuum? Seems there's a much more demand for something you can't regularly get on your own, unless you own one of the above mentioned air compressors. Vacuums, however, are much more commonly found in households across America, and as such is not as aggressively sought out elsewhere. Really, why pay $1.50 for something I can do at home? 50¢? Sure, it pays for the convenience of not having to lug your vacuum outside, and is admittedly more powerful than a Dustbuster. But I'd rather save the extra buck and do it at home, thank you. So you're charging fifty cents for something everyone needs, and one fifty for something people can do at home. If I recall economics class correctly, that's the exact OPPOSITE of the supply and demand concept.

So what does that leave? The fact that once a month a minimum waged gas attendant has to trek on out to the vacuum and empty the dirt bin? Sorry, not seeing the value there. The fact that the vacuum is left on longer? It's certainly not 3 times as long. Any way you slice it, my friends, you're getting ripped off to suck.

I'm not by any means suggesting they raise the price at the air pump to compete with the vacuum, no sir; it's ridiculous to have to pay any amount for either service. My job here is to simply point out the inconsistencies in everyday life.

Living the Vida Solo [edited 11/20/05]

2005-11-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

Life as a bachelor is often lived by trial and error. Having lived on my own for nearly 11 years now, I'd like to share some of the insights into my little world of bachelorism:

1) Liquid dishwashing soap is not meant to be used in the dishwashing machine.
2) Left long enough in the freezer, even ice will go bad.
3) Just because you can't smell it, does not mean there's no odor.
4) It's probably a good idea to have a fire extinguisher handy when experimenting in the kitchen.
5) The dishwasher is a great place to store dirty dishes.
6) It takes practice to pee and brush your teeth at the same time.
7) Don't bother saving soy sauce from chinese take-out; you will never, EVER use them. I've been in my house for three and a half years, and I have three and a half-year-old soy sauce packets in my fridge.
8) You can forget to take your clothes out of the dryer, but NEVER forget the clothes in the washing machine.
9) No matter how well you think you know home electronics, MARK your wires before taking apart your home theatre system.
10) If you say to yourself "I'm never going to remember where I put this." when putting something away, you won't.
11) The best plant to get a man is a Jade plant; it can go for months without watering, and even when almost dead, a healthy dose of water will make it spring back to life.
12) Don't forget to remove the porno tape from the VCR before selling it to a friend for his daughter. (yes this actually almost happened).
13) Never iron in the nude.

More to come, as I learn.

Every Car Has Their Day....

2005-10-26T15:09:00.000-04:00

As I'm sitting here at work, waiting for the inevitable flood of projects to come down the pike and wondering what to post next in my blog, I happened to glance over on my desk to the latest issue of Locksmith Ledger magazine, a publication I happen to be the layout artist on, and decided to write about that. Why the hell would anyone reading this care? Ah, my loyal subjects, because like every other month, I recieved little to no help in getting materials for the cover art of this issue, and being the topic of the month was "Automotive 2006", I decided to chance it and put my own car up on the cover. No one complained, so up it stayed.

So now my car's famous. Thinking back, I probably should have picked a photo where I was visible in the reflection, just so I can say that I, too, was on the cover of an international trade magazine. Actually, my torso IS slightly visible, so if I wanted to get real technical, I can say I have a famous pelvis... but that would only serve to open me up for a huge amount of wisecracking jokes at my (and my pelvis') expense. And nobody wants that.

Bif Naked in NYC

2005-10-20T20:38:00.000-04:00

Last night I was finally able to cross off a big item at the top of my life's "To Do" List.... I saw Bif Naked in concert. Those that know me can tell you that I don't get all that excited about too many things in life; sure I may obsess about the next great computer game coming out in 6 months, and I did check the forums every day for a month before getting my Scion tC for any relevant news, but other than that I don't really have a strong opinion about too many things, especially in the way of music. Up until recently there was not one band I would undeniably say is my favorite, a band that I would buy anything they put out, with the possible exception of Rage Against the Machine. That has changed with the discovery of Bif. Out of maybe....MAYBE four bands I would spend the money to see in concert nowadays, she was #1 on my list. Was it worth it? You have no idea.

Everyone knows I'm a big worrier. I worry... alot. This night was no exception. I was worried about: Being late; not getting a good seat; not being able to see Bif; was the venue going to be too big? too small? Were they going to take my camera away? Hell I was even worried about meeting Bif in person. Why? Because I'm not cool. That's not a put down, it's not low self-esteem, it's just a simple fact, like saying "I'm not blonde". I've come to accept this. Just the fact that I thought I MIGHT actually meet her is evidence that I'm clueless. Need more proof? How about the fact that I spent $50 on tickets, then come to find out she put a password up on her website prior to the concert that lets you in for free? Yeah, I'm a chump. But at least I feel better knowing I'm contributing to the arts, I just hope she got a decent portion of the proceeds.

Anyway, long story short, all my worrying was for not. We were early (2 HOURS early, thanks to an apparent mix-up with the time). Being so early allowed us first choice and essentially got a spot right up against the raised stage, about 3 feet from the mic stand. The venue was slightly larger than my apartment, so it was pretty intimate. I could see her just fine, especially when she sang to the girls right next to me. I was able to snap over 100 photos, although most ended up being of her elbow or back of her head, since she was moving around the stage faster than my crappy camera could capture. And no, I didn't get to meet her.

So, the concert was awesome. Short, but awesome. I was surprised that she didn't play every song off her new album, given that it was what she was there to promote. And she didn't sing my favorite song 'Religion', but in the hour or so she had to squeeze in her songs, a few of my favorites were bound to be missed, and I was just happy enough that she dove back and played some earlier stuff. Lyrically Bif's music is unlike any other band I've heard. Every song is intensely personal drawing from her own life experiences; it seems almost autobiographical in nature. And as such, I almost feel like I know her as a real person as opposed to just some rock star, and when she took the stage it was almost like watching a good friend playing in a band.

Suffice to say, I'm really glad I finally got a chance to see Bif Naked live, up close and personal. Even if I never get another chance, this experience will last a lifetime. And Bif, if you're reading this, I was the annoying F**ker to your left taking all those pictures... Sorry!

Film Review: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2005-10-12T00:30:00.000-04:00

One of the things I always wanted to do, either for the Coffee Crew readings or on my own website, was movie reviews(with my own twisted warped point of view, naturally.) Here is as good a place as any to jot them down. So here it is, my first official movie review. (warning: possible spoilers here.)

Review: The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy

First off, let me say this first and foremost: I loved this movie. Was it a masterpiece? No. Did it have a mind-blowing plot? Not really. Was it particularly well acted? Eh. So why did I love it? Because 1) I'm a huge fan of the HHGTTG universe, and 2) They didn't screw it up... at least not as much as I was expecting, and a fraction of the amount they could have. Not perfect, but for the most part, they got it right.
If you are a fan of the series, if you've read at least the first few books, watched the 6-episode mini series, and/or heard the BBC radio broadcast of the Hitch Hikers Guide, or even played the infocom text adventure game, then you know the story, and chances are this movie will definitely appeal to you. If you've never heard the phrase "Don't Panic!", are clueless as to what to do with a Babel fish, or the number "42" just doesn't do it for you, you may be a bit lost with this latest installment of the Guide. This movie tries to stand on it's own while keeping remarkably faithful to the original material; however without some background knowledge of the story, the characters and even the Guide itself, newcomers may find themselves wondering what the heck it's all about. Scenes and concepts that naturally flow together in the mind of veteran fans may seem disconnected and random to the average patron. Naturally (being the former) I can only give my opinion in the gleeful subjectivity of an avid fan. And I won't even apologize for it.
The movie roughly covers the content of the first book (or first 3 episodes of the miniseries), occasionally straying from the original material to connect the dots left open due to time restraints of a feature film. Unfortunately it's difficult to tell the story of the Guide in the 1 1/2 hour span of a film, and because of this the movie feels crammed, as though they are trying to jam in as many jokes as possible. Much of the brilliant writing and dialog between characters tends to simply get lost in the rush to get it all out. Also, the addition of a love interest between main characters doesn't really fit into the whole "Guide" story; I assume it was put in to appease those that would otherwise be completely lost as to what's going on.
Despite this, there was much included for the fans of the Guide. Snippets of familiar sound bytes; cameos of several actors and characters; even the occasional appearance of the late Douglas Adam's likeness. And let's not forget the main attraction: the Guide entries themselves. There was much concern that these would be left out, in favor of a more cinematic blockbuster feel. Have no fear, the Guide is in, and as campy and endearing as ever. Rather than update the entries with fancy computer generated 3-d holographic images, the producers chose to stick with the basic line drawing feel of the original series which, in my opinion, makes it that much funnier, given what today's technology would have allowed them to do.
So, the bottom line is: If you're a fan of the guide, this movie doesn't disappoint. If you're not, well, nobody's perfect.

Paul's Movie Ranking: 7.5 out of 10

Peer pressure

2005-10-11T00:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm officialy screwed.

It seems that everyone and their mother (what about fathers, or siblings?) has a blog now. Out of my carefully selected hand-picked group of friends, 4 of them now have blogs other than me. And out of them, 3/4ths are professional writers by trade, and the other 1/4 is an English Lit major. So where does that leave me? Naturally this is not some contest, there's no award for coming up with the most posts, the best blog entry, or the wittiest comments; but still it seems slightly competitive to me. Knowing that my little corner of the world can't possibly be as well written or more enjoyable than the others tends to discourage me from trying. Conversely, reading the threads and threads of blogs being submitted by my cohorts fills me with this dreadful need to catch up and keep my own blog updated regularly.. in other words, to 'keep up with the Jones'. Ah, to have been born into the Jones' family, they always have such nice things....
Ahem... anyway, why stress about it? It's not that important, nobody will think less of me, at least not any less than now. Why not just put down my musings like I have been, and let it flow naturally like it's meant to? Well, 2 reasons: One, when I feel like I have to do something rather than doing it just for fun, it becomes a job or a chore, and therefore I have less of a desire to continue it. This is why I could never become a comedy writer or comedian; as soon as I was required to spit out funnies on demand, I'd never be able to do it. Some of (in my opinion) funniest moments were in the middle of random conversations with friends which spiralled into ludicrous scenarios, something not easily duplicated in a lab.
The second reason for my lack of blog upkeeping is simple: Time. Yes, I seem to use this excuse excessively for just about any and all of my problems and shortcomings; everything from "My bathroom is moldy because I don't have time to clean" to "I haven't gotten laid lately because I just don't have time to meet people". Cooking? HA! No time. Reading? Nope, too busy. Updating a blog? When you spend roughly 60 hours in front of a monitor a week, the last thing you want to do is sit down and start typing. "But Paul, you come home at 11:30 at night and start playing computer games... Why do you make time for THAT and not blogging, you jerk!" one may ask. A valid question, if not for the plain fact that it's not even remotely the same. Games are an escape, a recreation, requiring little to no actual thought, and to me it's immensely entertaining. Not that blogging isn't fun mind you, but it's the equivilent of having company over and having to be "on" all the time, versus just wanting to wind down and walk around in your underwear.
So here I am, unwittingly pressured to blog away, keeping it fresh and humorous for the lucky few that have found my site. Thanks to this update, I can sleep well tonight.

The Faux Pas of Film, Pt. 2

2005-10-06T14:23:00.000-04:00

...continued

• Obvious Product Placement
This one may seem to be an obvious pet peeve, as most people with reasonable intelligence can pinpoint product placement in television or movies and roll their eyes exclaiming, Gee, you think Lexus paid ‘em any money?” I’m not talking about the ‘casual’ placements, such as someone using an Apple computer or something. No, the ones that drive me over the edge are the incursions so blatantly obvious, you can almost envision the executives being handed bags and bags of cash, while laughing sadistically at the thought of ruining another film just to buy another 50 kilos of coke. There are two such over-the-top placements in recent memory that particularly struck a cord with me.

Example 1: Matrix.

Setting: Our protagonist, computer hacker Thomas Anderson, has just been instructed via cell phone to escape capture by climbing out onto a window ledge. This he does reluctantly, as he is naturally several stories high, but not without the cliché slipping-and-almost-falling-to-his-death scene. In the middle of slipping-and-almost-falling-to-his-death, he loses his grip on the aforementioned cell phone, and as it is flung into the air, it pauses momentarily on it’s faceplate, clearly showing the world that this is, in fact, a Nokia-brand phone, before continuing it’s fall to the ground. I could almost picture the words “4 out of 5 Computer Hackers recommend Nokia for their cell-phone needs” as it pauses so unnecessarily for the audience. Now, the so-called “bullet-time” effect was pioneered and used in this particular movie several times, but mostly to demonstrate how the characters could move much faster than normal, dodging bullets and the like, hence the name “bullet time”. Our Mr. Anderson had no such powers at the time, so there was absolutely no reason to slow down his falling phone other than to sell Nokias to the viewer. I would have accepted this commercial a lot more readily had our character dropped his phone while having this ability to slow time, and as the phone slowly reveals it’s make and model, he grabs it quickly to demonstrate he now has this amazing ability. No, come to think of it, it would still piss me off, but not nearly to the extent it does as it stands now. Had I owned a Nokia phone at the time I, too, would have flung it out the nearest window.

Example 2: I, Robot
There is absolutely no excuse for this one, no matter how you look at it. The movie is set in the future, 2035 to be exact, the last place you’d expect a new sneaker from 2004 to show up, right? EERRR!!! Wrong! Within the first few moments of the film Del Spooner, a Chicago city cop with a pension for chasing down robots, displays his winning online bid: a brand new pair of “vintage” 2004 Nike’s! If that didn’t remind me of the purposely blatant product placement in “The Truman Show”, I don’t know what does.

The Faux Pas of Film, Pt. 1

2005-09-30T12:22:00.001-04:00

This is an exerpt from a Coffee Crew essay I did awhile back concerning the things in movies and films that, quite honestly, irk the hell out of me. I'm sorry for regurgitating old literature that half my current readership has already heard, but lately I just haven't had the time to properly dedicate to getting down the swirls of thought in my head into print. So I offer this up in the meantime:

TV and Movies

I consider myself an average movie patron. I’m fairly up to speed with today’s films, despite the fact that I average about a movie a month, especially with the going price of a ticket in excess of $9 these days. I’m pretty good with following plotlines, though admittedly I sometimes require a session of twenty questions at the end of the more deeper films. For the most part, however, I think I’ve finally reached a point in my quest for entertainment to be able to discuss what I like and do not like, what impresses me and what irritates me. Since it is infinitely more enjoyable to bash topics that annoy, disturb or downright piss off, rather than drone on about ‘liking this’ or admiring that’, this essay will focus on the faux paus in the movie and television industry that particularly rub me the wrong way. I’m not referring to the more obvious blunders, such as terrible acting, crappy writing or a complete lack of a plot, but more specific things that, for the most part, are totally avoidable, had they been given the slightest bit of thought. For example:

• The Planted Moron
The “Planted Moron” technique is one that specifically drives me nuts, mainly because A) It is so incredibly obvious, and B) It insults the intelligence of the viewers. It goes as follows: a group of people are having a discussion about a certain topic, item or event, and inevitably a subject is brought up that the viewer may not recognize or understand. One member of the group, the ‘planted moron’, repeats the subject in a quizzical fashion, as if to imply that he/she has no idea what they are speaking of. Usually this individual is someone other than the main cast, who just happened to be included in the conversation. We can only assume that this is because the producers dare not jeopardize the integrity of the main cast by having them look foolish and stupid, and so they throw in this buffoon who, by all rights, should probably have some sort of an idea of the topic in question, if only by their mere presence in the group. However, this is not their lot in life; their job is to simply allow for a more detailed description of this mystifying topic, for the benefit of the viewers who can now follow the conversation more closely.

Example: Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

The setting: A member of the Enterprise is abducted and replaced by a perfect replica, a probe that mimics the officer in every way. As it arrives back on board, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and “Ensign Perez” rush into the room, and begin questioning the probe on it’s function. The probe replies that it was given the officers form to more easily communicate with the “carbon-based units”. At that time Mr. Perez, in an acting performance that rivals Barney the Dinosaur, interjects, “Carbon-based units?” “Humans, Ensign Perez” McCoy offers in explanation. “Us”.
Now let’s dissect this little exchange. We must assume that Ensign Perez, being posted to the flagship of the Federation, has undergone the rigorous Starfleet academy training, same as all officers on board. We must also assume that somewhere, at some point, human biology was taught in at least ONE of his classes, if not several. Despite the fact that this poor schlep never progressed past Ensign despite looking in his mid-to-late thirties, you would still think he would be intelligent enough to outright know that humans are carbon-based, and if not, smart enough to freakin’ figure it out based on the conversation, especially in an age where everyone on board seems to have enough super-human brains to fix any system that breaks down in their immediate area. I only have an associates degree from a community college, I’m not even sure how a combustion engine works, and EVEN I knew that “carbon-based units” meant humans! Don’t insult my intelligence.

More to come!

Brontosaurus burger, anyone?

2005-09-28T21:57:00.000-04:00

Between my friend Steve's blog and my own, the topic of fast food restaurants seems to have been popping up frequently, which reminded me of my own stint in the burger flippin' business. Yes, like so many Long Island teens in my decade, I paid my "It's time you got a job" dues in the ever-so-pleasant service industry of fast food. My chosen poison was the home of the Belly-Bomber itself... White Castle. For those that don't know WC, Let me sum them up this way: a square burger less than half the size of a standard burger with five holes drilled into it, steamed on a bed of onions underneath their dinner-roll sized bun, usually with such a disproportionate onion-to-water ratio that it almost always turns out to be a soggy slopfest.

And it's very probably the world's most perfect fast food.

Being so small, they're incredibly cheap; a poor slob on his way home from a night of bar hopping can stop in and order 2 or 4 burgers just for himself, depending on how much change was left in his pocket. If he was with 3 friends, they could easily order 30 burgers or more and plow through them in a drunken rage.
They're also incredibly quick to make. You can order a value meal of 4 and, assuming a grill has already been made, be sitting down eating them quicker than you can say "would you like fries with that?" (Sorry Steve!)
They're also incredibly bad for you. There's nothing at all redeeming in them, they don't even make an attempt to healthy them up by adding a slice of tomato or lettuce, just the above ingredients, topped with a pickle slice, some salt & pepper, ketchup and, for the ultimate slider, a slice of cheese.
Because of their uniqueness, White Castle is the fast-food equivalent of George W.: You either love em or you hate em, there is no in-between. And just like with our selected official, those who say "nay!" often pick on everything done wrong, and sometimes start rumors to defame the idol of others.
Of course, in Bush's case, it's all justifiable.
So where am I going with this? Like I said, all this talk about fast food got me reminiscing about those days, and I was reminded of a conversation I had with my friend Rich long after I had dropped my last basket of fries. You see, one of the 'rumors' going around about White Castle hamburgers was that they were made from kangaroo meat. Ludicrous, to be sure, but I was constantly being asked, "Hey man, is it true they're made from kangaroo meat??" I assume this was to infer that they were so cheap they couldn't afford real beef burgers. At the time my answer was real simple. "Well" I said, "it says 100% Beef burgers on the side of the box of frozen patties, so I'm guessing it's real beef!" It wasn't until the conversation with Rich years later when it dawned on me how ridiculous that rumor was. Kangaroo meat?? Of all the things they could have picked to replace beef with, why kangaroo meat? I don't think kangaroos are that much more plentiful than cows that it would be such a drastic increase in their profit margin. In fact, I would think it'd be a lot more expensive to ship in kangaroos from the outback and butcher them up in top secret kangaroo-processing facilities, threatening their employees with bodily harm if they ever spilled the beans and paying off the officials to look the other way. A hell of a lot more expensive. You might as well just develop your own dinosaur-cloning facility, genetically grow a bunch of fattened-up T-Rex's and grind them up for some delectable dinoburgers... I can see the rumors now... "Hey, you know why White Castle's are so cheap and crappy? They're made from dinosaurs, man! No, really!" Sure, why not, that'd be REAL cheap!
"Here's your order of Velaciraptor Fingers, don't forget your Dinosauce!"

(Slightly off topic side note: When confirming the spelling of Brontosaurus using Dictionary.com, I noticed how completely useless it was as an actual dictionary. The definition of Brontosaurus, according to the site, is "An apatosaur."
Thanks for clearing that up, fellas.)

Daring with your life

2005-09-26T00:16:00.000-04:00

I saw a sign the other day. Actually, I see alot of signs alot of days, so many in fact that I'm constantly being reminded of that old Tesla song, you know, "Signs Signs, Everywhere there's signs, Blocking up the scenery, Breaking up my mind, Do this, don't do that Can't you read the sign". Blah blah blah... don't even get me started; that's a blog for another day.
This particular sign caused a simultanious feeling of amusement and concern for me. It was on the side of the street, and it simply read, "Dare to Be a Lifesaver!" along with some contact information on how to become an EMT. Now, I may be out of touch with the rest of the world, and certainly with the new generation, but way back in my younger years (oh, say, around 20 years ago... hey, I'm not THAT old!) we generally dared people to do things that we were quite sure they either wouldn't do, or couldn't do. When we said, "I DARE you to eat that worm!" It was usually because we didn't expect them to do it, at least not with any amount of ease. We sure as hell WANTED them to do it, just because it was gross and not something you see every day, but if it was known that this person generally went around all day sucking up worms just for fun well, there'd be no real sense in daring him to do it, would there?
Now back to my sign. Assuming the rules of "The Dare" still apply, am I to understand that they're trying to recruit people to become Emergency Medical Technicians who they don't think could do it with any real amount of skill or expertise? I'm sorry, but if I'm having a heart attack, I want to be sure the person sent to revive me is fairly confident in his abilities to do so, and is not there solely on a 'dare' or because someone bet he couldn't do it. I mean, if they're ever called in to an accident, I hope they're not told, "We DARE you to perform an emergency tracheotomy on that crash victim! GO! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!, Awww ewww he did it!!! gross!! I owe you ten." I could almost understand if the sign dared you to be, say, a fireman, there is a certain amount of bravery and even insanity needed to run into a burning building, and even though lives are still on the line, chances are if you run into said building on a dare without any real training, you're only hurting yourself.
I find it funny yet terrifying how the most mundane jobs in the help wanted section require 30 years of experience or a 12-year college degree in so-and-so to bag, but apparently all you need to become an EMT is a large ego.

New Burger King Menu Item... Guilt

2005-09-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

OK, I've had this ripped piece of paper bag in my pile of crap for some time now, always meaning to write about it for the writing group "Coffee Crew" that I belong to. Having never done that, I'll write about it here.
Apparently, I owe the Burger King big time. Not Burger King the restaurant, but the actual man behind the burger himself, THE Burger King. Why, you may ask? I have no idea, but according to the advertisement on the take-out bag I got with my meal a few weeks back, he expects to be repaid.
Allow me to reprint the actual advert I am referring to. It said, to quote,

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So give it the royal treatment. The King has lots of tasty ways to satisfy your morning hunger. You owe it to yourself, and to him, to give 'em a try.

To be frank, I was outraged. "What the??" I thought to myself. "I owe it to HIM to give 'em a try?? Who the F**K does this guy think he is... asking favors of me? What has he ever done for ME??" And it was true. Other than continuously offering to make my burger "my way", what has he ever done to deserve a favor in return? And, for that matter, how does he know I even "owe it to myself"?? Maybe I've been pampering myself for the last 20 years, in which case treating myself to a royal breakfast may not be so well deserved. I just thought it was awfully presumptuous that this self-proclaimed Monarchy of the fast food industry just assumed that I, the lowly Burger Peon, would jump at the chance to repay my benevolent king for all the good he's done for the Burger domain.
To make matters worse, as I look up above the text of this advertisement, I see the title.... WAKE UP WITH THE KING. "Oh, good God," I thought. It now sounds as if I just SLEPT with the man, and now expects me to sample his morning culinary delights in return, as if to say, "It's the LEAST you can do...you bastard!" Now I feel almost guilt-ridden into driving out to BK just to buy a sack of hashbrowns, just to alieve the nagging feeling I have for having used him so.
But I won't.
In fact, I think I'll add "Burger King Breakfasts" to the ever-growing list of things I'm boycotting in life, just for having the gall to try to guilt me into spending my hard-earned money on their crappy morning menu. Fortunately for me, I've never really had it before, so it won't be missed all that much.

My E-mail is jealous.....

2005-09-21T15:44:00.000-04:00

As I was writing back and forth to Steve about the likelihood that anyone would care that I had a blog, I noticed that Outlook's Spellchecker kept flagging the word 'blog' as a spelling error. Now despite the e-mail's seniority in the world of the internet over the whole blog sensation, it still struck me as funny that this program (a function of the internet) didn't recognize the word blog (another function of the internet). In my mind I envisioned Outlook getting all jealous of the blog's newfound fame and superiority as a communication tool, and outright refusing to acknowledge its existence. Like so many of us in the world today, it may very well fear for its own job and, afraid to be outdone by the newer and better model, sticks it's fingers in it's ears and goes "blah blah blah it doesn't exist blah blah blah" – again, like so many of us in the world today.

Of course, the real answer is much more simple: The outdated Outlook Dictionary has just never been updated. But it's always fun to project human traits onto inanimate objects, albeit with the egocentric notion that they're somehow made better by doing so. It does, however seem to make it much easier to relate to objects if we assume that they have some sort of personality to identify with.

Sometimes, it's even fun to do that with people.

Life, the Universe, and Anything

2005-09-21T03:07:00.000-04:00

Wow... here I am, my very own blog.... um, hi! I've been convinced by my good friend Steve that I apparently have just as much interesting and blog-worthy observations on life, the universe and everything as he does, and that I should create my own little niche in the wonderful world of Blogging. Being a big fan of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series (and just having watched the movie on DVD) I wanted to create something in the same style as the 'Guide' entries, but failing to come up with a clever name for the blog using the words 'hitchhikers', 'guide' and/or 'galaxy' along with any or all parts of my name, I decided to fall back on the second most popular book of omnipotent knowledge in the 'Guide' universe, the Encyclopedia Galactica, hence changing it to the Encyclopedia Giachettica, an obvious play on my name... well, obvious to those that actually know my name is Giachetti, otherwise it has probably gone right over your head.

Anyway, I thought it was clever.

I also though it was clever to use name the web address "Paulanoma", as this is a reference to a photo that was taken at the above-mentioned friends house of Rich, whereas I stuck my head out from behind him as the photo was taken. The image was passed around and naturally laughed at, as it looked like my head was growing out of Rich's neck. Hence it was known as the Paulanoma picture, and not being able to think of anything else to call the blog address, this seemed as good a name as any.

So, here we are. A place that admittedly may get pretty scary, or at the very least somewhat confusing. As the description states, it's a place for me to dump my fragments of thoughts, whether funny, spiritual, or just plain bitching about something. Feel free to chime in at any point. I'm not a writer by any means, but I hope you glean at least a little entertainment from these entries.